Post Divorce

Hi,

This is the first time I've had the opportunity to submitt a "blog" so I hope it will be read by others. I am 48 years old and diagnosed for about 7 years with ADD. My concerns for men are, That I am only hearing about the concerns  from women, complaining about mens ADD or ADHD and about the mans inabilities , but I don't hear about the men's concerns in the women's "inabilities". Maybe its the idea that todays woman is asking for alot from todays man. Maybe to much from todays man. And since this is a forum about feelings and beliefs, and we are living in America, I am one man who tried eveything I could(given the schedules I had to work with in my life and business) to 1) find out what was wrong with me.2) Read several of Dr. Hallowells and Mr. Ratey's books and 3) Medicate myself with through the Institute of Living in Hartford CT. 4) Seek counseling 5) Pay for these Medical services and Medications 6) Explore alternative ways of treating ADD with excersize and Fish oil. 7) Get as involved with my childrens life to seek remedies if needed to facilitate a transition to a childs copiing with ADD. and on and on. The work never stops.

To make a long story short, now that I am divorced, what can you offer to a divorced man who still feels partially lower in  the self esteem department because of the lonliness, and isolation, and over-compensation that goes along with ADD and being divorced??

It sounds like a pandemic when I go onto your site. I recently was sent an article about ADD from the Sun Sentinel Paper in Florida,and Dr. Hallowell was quoted as saying what blessing it is to have an ADD brain. Its "like a race car and all you have to do is know how to apply the brakes"    What more can be done to help those who want to help themselves?The critic in the Sentinel said (another Doctor) " Its not that simple and there are many people with severe ADD that need help and knowing how to put the brakes on may not just require medication" And what do you offer POST divorce for those who have tried ?

So I am hoping that on your site , you can be a little more informative/helpful when you offer a blog to vent. Your responses should be more helpful, since ADDers like myself could get the wrong idea.

Ron Z.

 

I am impressed

Ron,  I can understand why  in your words "Adders like myself"  could get the wrong idea from some of the blogs on this site.  I know that some of us use this blog to vent our frustrations because it is all that we have. We are all struggling with our situations.  I read your blog today and was so impressed that you have made the effort to address the ADD and do what you can to overcome the challenges that you face.  My husband will not take  accountabilty for this and blames everything on me, which is common.  Kudos to you . I know with the help you are seeking you will find the happiness you seek. I just wanted to commend you for your effort.

Hey Ron - I agree with much

Hey Ron - I agree with much of what you shared.I am a 32 yrold man with ADHD...and I too have been divorced (5 years removed). I found that taking care of myself (climbing out of depression) and learning not only to survive...but to thrive on independence was best. Interestingly enough I spent much time trying to thing "outside the box" and come up with solutions as to why there was dissapointment or a sense of unfulfillment in my life. For instance...I wasn't often understood...and was misunderstood at work....so I read up on communication and persuation, etc. This may seem a bit "cheesy" but I found a great deal of help from reading up on and watching David DeAngelo's material. He provides programs on dating and having success with women and relationships. What I found most interesting was my ability to take his advice and to apply it to all aspects of my life. When I started reading his materials...I lost 50 pounds and got into great shape, and became extremely social...basically thrived as a single man. However, as they say...love finds you when you least expect it. I met my girlfriend a little over a year from now...and everything was great...problem is...I have now put the 50 pounds back on and feel like only a "shell" of what I used to be. Our relationship is not healthy...and although we both love each other dearly....I am beginning to think that I may be better suited for a "bachelor lifestyle." It is hard to confirm this though....because most blogs will seem to focus on wanting to "save" a relationship rather than to accept the fact that an individual with ADHD may thrive more so in life as a single adult than in a committed relationship... Anyway...check out the David DeAngelo materials...I highly recommend that you purchase his "77 Laws" DVD. Best of Luck! Alan

ADD Now Divorced

It does worry me sometimes that people coming to this site will see lots of desperation and not so much of the success (except posssibly for that my husband and I have experienced, which I write about).  None of this is easy - in fact relationships in general can be very hard to maintain, ADHD or not.  You have been doing a great deal to work out the issues associated with your ADD and I commend you (as do other readers here) for that effort.  I'm wondering if you might also talk with a doctor about the possibility that you might be depressed?

As far as women asking for a lot...there is quite a bit that has been written about the high expectations of our generation of women and how that affects us and those around us.  We were all told growing up we could "have it all" and the reality is, we can't.  That's a harsh reality that many women face during their marriages, and sometimes the marriages suffer as a result.  (You don't mention that you have kids, so perhaps you don't, but the reality of taking care of kids often forces women to come face to face with the "you can't do it all" stuff).

You ask that we be more informative/helpful...but don't specify what it is that you want help with (other than what do you do after divorce, which I will write to in a moment).  If you have specific questions, please post them...and if you want the input from others with ADD who are in your position, ask for it.  There are many people here, and they often have really good ideas to share.

Okay - post divorce.  My ideas only (and I haven't been divorced myself, though my husband has).  First, decide who you are.  I'm reading that you are a person who is thoughtful, takes care of himself, is a hard worker, isn't afraid to admit that he's not perfect (a good thing).  I'm also reading that you might well be suffering from depression (frequent with ADD, and also understandable after the turmoil of divorce) and that you are having trouble figuring out what your shining strengths are (perhaps affected by bad feelings that came out in your divorce??).  I'm thinking you should explore finding what it is that you LOVE to do, and who you are as a person in your heart and soul.  This sounds hokey, but I went through this sort of journey of self discovery when I was considering divorce.  I decided that who I was was (in brief) an angry, hurt, hurtful, sad person.  Who I wanted to be was who I had been in college - happy, outgoing, optimistic, creative, willing to take chances.  Since I had been that once, I decided that only I was getting in the way of my being it again...so I decided to start being that person again...it was GREAT!  Not only did I feel better right away, but those around me noticed a change right away, too.

So, now that you have only you to think of, who do you want to be?  What passions do you want to pursue?  (Hint - pursuing those passions will also put you with others who share those passions who can become friends or more.)  How can you do that?  One of the blessings of the ADD brain is an ability to live in the present...how do you make your day -  every today - the best it can be?  Sharing these passions with others will help you stay connected, which is important for your physical and mental health, and is also just plain fun.  Don't be afraid to go out and meet new people...join a hobby club (cycling? sailing?  model airplaines?  cards?  books? antique cars?  There are millions of clubs out there around people's enthusiasms) and get back into the world.

Don't forget the role that exercise can play in this.  It has been proven to diminish depression and anxiety quite a bit...so make sure to include regular (minimum 4 times a week) exercise in your plans.  THis will also help your ADD, by the way.

"Putting the brakes on" takes a lot of effort, and you're making that effort.  It also takes positive effort along the lines of doing what you love.  It's easier to "be in control" when you are doing something you love.

Finally, make sure that you don't believe everything your ex-wife said about you.  For sure she had her own issues she was dealing with, even though it's likely that you were blamed for much of your mutual problems.  Take your experience in your marriage as an opportunity to analyze and learn, not as a straightforward description of your character, for certainly it was not that.

Hope this helps.  Please continue to post and explore, as your viewpoint is valued.

Melissa

Hi Melissa, Thanks for your

Hi Melissa, Thanks for your feedback. I put my time into my children(as much as I can with the child visitation and such). I have plans and goals that I would like them to reach. And I try to nuture those plans. And.......... I have an ex-wife that puts up road blocks at every turn. So it feels almost like day by day I continue on, and the things that make me feel right are what I need. But I must say I am having alot of distraction or ADD laziness or lonliness, and my focus especially in my business is getting more difficult. Ron Z.

Ron

What you are describing as "laziness or loneliness" and lack of focus may well be depression.  Talk with your doctor about your symptoms and see if that makes sense.  Also, other than seeing your kids (which I admit is really big), your wife shouldn't be in a position to be able to put up too many roadblocks once you disconnect from her.  Time to move on and be your own guy.