Post marriage sex and ADHD

My ADHD spouse was active (almost aggressive) about sex before we were married. Right after the wedding her desire dropped like a rock. She is not on medication and though she did have her period soon after the honeymoon her lack of desire continued even after her cycle. She said it was related to her ADHD and even said that it was because she was now "comfortable" with me. What happened?


There is research that suggests that some people with ADHD can have less sex drive, but that doesn't actually sound as if that's what's going on here. Sounds as if she lost her hyper-focus on you.  NOT good, but unfortunately, common.  The ADD person hyperfocuses on the fiance up until the wedding, then once that's over, moves on.  Happened to me, and I'll tell you it's not always so fun to be on the receiving end of it.  So, you may need to expend a bit more energy to get her attention...not the end of the world.  Invite her to try new kinds of sex with you (ADD people love variety) perhaps involving some toys, new locations, or some mature movies or books (I'm not suggesting porn as I don't personally go there and some folks find it gross, but something that she might think was sexy).  If you're not familiar with any sex toy sites and want to go this direction, try Babeland, which does a good job of explaining what all that stuff is (and how to use it).  Consider involving her in picking some things out together (rather than just popping something new on her) particularly if this has never been part of your sex life before.  Talk with her about her fantasies and see if you can act them out together (and yours, too).

Her comment about not needing to have sex because she's at ease with you now sounds a bit as if she felt she needed to be aggressive in order to attract you - that maybe she felt she was performing for you?  Does this sound possible?  If so, perhaps you want to take her newfound ease and build on it to be a daily physical connection with which she is comfortable.  Sex would then just be an extension of that comfort.  For example, a kiss and "I love you" in the kitchen, flowers (if she likes them), doing something special for her, holding her hand, telling her how sexy she is, etc.

You might also think about extending your idea of foreplay.  For example, kidding around, sending cards or emails, fixing her a candlelight dinner for two at home, laying in front of a fire and holding hands - ways to get her attention in a good way that might be a bit different and that she might find romantic.  You want to CONNECT physically with her in many different ways, not just through sex, and most women will find that in itself sexy.  My theory is that this deeper connection will help her be responsive to you, even if she isn't feeling immediately excited.  (Research (if I remember it correctly) suggests it takes about 20 minutes for a woman to get try to keep this in mind as you think of ways to ease into sex more regularly.)

You can also just tell her that you miss her aggressiveness and that you hope that at least once a (fill in the time period here) she'll initiate something really fun just because she loves you and it would give you great pleasure.  She'll be complimented, hopefully.

Finally, if she is suddenly doing much more housework, etc (i.e. if you guys weren't living together before) she might be plain tired.  Help her out by taking at least half the's only fair!

In the slow reading group

Dear Melissa,

I feel like a kid in the slow reading group.  I know you have explained this before, but I still can not understand how you order your website responses.  I just read your response titled "Sex".  No where could I find the post that initiated your reply.  I know there are options at the bottom of the page that put them in some kind of order, but I have yet to put in the right combination.  Wouldn't it be easier on everyone reading your responses to publish the post you are responding to right after your response?

Please help.  Thanks, Katherine

Response to Katherine

Hi Katherine:

Melissa's response was to a the post "Post marriage sex and ADHD" in the forum.  You got there by clicking on the link "sex" under "Recent Comments" (I think we will now be getting much more spam to the site) that took you directly to her comment.  The link automatically scrolls you to her response.  Just scroll up, and you will see all the posts and comments that come before her response.  Directly above Melissa's response is the forum topic to which she responded.

Perhaps your confusion is that the comment links automatically scrolls down to the beginning of the comment to which the link is referring, rather than to the top of the page.  If it took you to the top of a long series of posts and comments, you would have to search for the specific post/comment for which you were searching.

Hope that helps.  Let me know if you have any other questions.


JennB's picture



With 20 years of marriage and 2 children.... We have done it a few more times than twice.

I am not so sure the lack of sexual drive is a physical one with my husband. I am quite certain it has more to do with a great fear or lack of comfort with intimacy that he suffers from.

I certainly noticed a huge difference between pre and post marriage sex, and it is not just the sex that has changed. Looking back I would have to say that our courtship was more of a contest or hunt to him. Then post marriage has been more of a holding zone. For me, my husbands lack of sex drive is extremely frustrating, but a least the "far and few between" are intense and satisfying.

 Because I couldn't take the loneliness any more, I have decided to end our marriageat least 3 times but everytime I have given  up trying to hold on, he has suddenly peeled back the armour and transformed back into the passionate man he is under the black cloud he seems to build around himself. One of the coping skills I have learned over time is to interpret his "I'm sorry" which usually comes in the form of auto mechanics.  

 One of my greatest wants in life is to be held and wrapped in a comforting hug.. but that does not seem to be my lot in life..I do more and more take some comfort in a mechanically sound vehicle. I have no idea where we will end up . Yes, I am sad and frustrated but the man I chose to marry and father my children is an amazing person, a good provider and a great father ( when I am not fighting about the need for seatbelts and bike helmets ).

For now, I still  like the rollercoaster ride over the merry go round.