I'm a man, 42 yrs with ADHD, getting divorced ... my thread is here: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason
A theory on perhaps why some people are in denial or refuse to get help for their ADHD diagnoses. Did they grow up having a parent that was an alcoholic? Here is my re-post on this subject.... maybe this helps someone trying to find answers....
Yesterday, during my weekly meeting with my psychologist. Discovered something very interesting. Apparently (something I never knew), I have been holding inside a problem that was bothering me since I was a teen... keeping it inside of me for last 30 years. My father, who passed away last year, was an alcoholic. The height of his drinking problem, was when I was a young teenager. I recall being so ashamed, embarrassed and upset by his drinking... unable to confront his temper, so I dare not confront his drinking. I didn’t want to talk about it, not even with my other family members. The day after, when all was sober, life went on as if nothing happened, until it happened again and again for many of my teen years. I remember compensating for him, trying to cover for him, politely smiling to everyone outside the immediate family that “all was fine, normal, no big deal.” I covered for him, making sure everyone was happy or just trying hiding the problem... I learned at a young age don't hang your dirty laundry out in public... the big elephant in the middle of the room, you just ignore it and don't talk about it. As it turned out, that is something you continue to practice throughout life and in your relationships. I am a people pleaser... I go out of my way to make everyone happy, even strangers... but those that eventually get close to me, like my wife, they become part of my inner circle and I can let them in on everything, including secrets and treat them GOOD and POORLY... because they are family. Therefore today, I thought I was doing better than my father, when I promised myself I would never publically humiliate my family, my wife... anything bad, you keep behind closed doors. It is why I'm always in control of myself, limit my fun, always worried what others are thinking about me, I'm reserved. However, behind closed doors, is where family sees the real story and they hear all my problems. I now see that also destroys a family. It's why, when I get divorced, it will be very hard and humiliating to me, this public failure. I still haven't told my close friends about what is going on. Everyone outside our families will surely say "what?, I don't believe it... they seemed so happy, they are such a nice couple". It why people like me and why my wife fell in love with me... I try to make everyone happy. I'm the funny, caring, thoughtful, generous, tireless and nicest guy you ever want to meet initially and give the impression to friends/neighbors that all in wonderful... something I practiced since I was a teen covering for my dad's drunkenness. Until I trust you enough to share with you my problems that I don't tell anyone else. I only let my wife inside my bubble, and she got the best and the worse.... and lately the worse exceeded the best. That, on top of my ADHD traits... ugh!
Why I bring this up, is perhaps it may help other ADHD families out there... perhaps additional problems are holding back your spouse from acceptance and recovery. Did your spouse have an alcoholic parent? Perhaps the reason your ADHD spouse won't admit or get help, is because of the public shame he thinks of it. Like alcoholism, your spouse learned you don't talk about marriage problems to anyone, except your wife. Maybe find out if your spouse had an alcoholic parent, and he/she just learned to adapt and that "it is just the way it is, and you don't talk about it, you just try to hide or ignore it." Ignore the big elephant in the room.
Therefore, perhaps to get progress in a ADHD marriage... find out if your spouse had an alcoholic parent.
So... I now discovered I have this double whammy, ADHD and ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). I am so relieved finally to get more answers to my problems I knew was bothering me, but couldn't put a finger on it... and fortunate enough to have the brains to process what I discover, and need to get over it. I'm not over it yet... hard to say when I will be, but the discovery of a problem IS SO HUGE, one cannot fix what they cannot see.
Here are links to learn more Adult Children of Alcoholics:
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/adult/a/quiz_adult.htm - I answered 16 out of 20.