I am so incredibly frustrated and don't know what to do, so am looking for advice.
I am the non-ADHD spouse. I know my ADHD husband needs me to constantly give him praise and I go out of my way every single day to make sure I do that. If he actually finishes a project around the house, I go above and beyond praise. I will literally take pictures of it, email my mother, show him her response about how nice it looks. I will bring it up for days about how I'm so glad he did it, how it looks great, how I'm proud of him, etc etc.
I also know that everything takes time. I am not expecting him to magically become super organized and responsible over night. I feel I'm quite realistic with my goals and expectations for him in therapy. The one and practically only expectation is that he actually make an attempt to do what the therapist suggests he try doing. (The other being he actually go to the therapist). He is going to the therapist, but he is not trying anything she suggests. He will come home from therapy and gleefully tell me what they talked about and how whatever the thing is she suggested he try that week is going to change everything. Then, 3-4 days later, if I ask him if he has been trying it, he hasn't. Then comes his next appointment and the same cycle continues.
This morning I brought this up to him. I first asked him what he was planning on bringing up to his therapist at his appointment. He shrugged and said "I don't know." I gave him a minute to think and he then came up with that he should bring in the latest supplement he decided to try. I said that was good that he wanted to bring that up to her, but that wouldn't fill up an hour of time, unless there was something else related to the supplement he wanted to talk about. He then said that he has been doing so good since his last appointment, he doesn't know what else to talk about and asked if I could think of anything. I said, "Well, it's the same thing as usual." He was visibly confused and asked "What are you talking about?" I explained how I haven't seen him follow through with the things the therapist has suggested. He then turned it around and said that I am constantly criticizing him and that he is trying as hard as he can and that I have too many unrealistic expectations of him and that I need to accept that he has ADHD and there's nothing that can be done to change that. I tried really hard to remain calm. I asked him if he could give me an example of when I criticize him, because I honestly couldn't remember the last time I had. He thought for a moment, then blew up, saying the same things he had said before, just louder. I didn't say a thing, just let him go off. When he was done, I waited several minutes before saying anything. I then asked him again if he could give me an example of my criticism, so that I could make sure in the future to handle myself differently. I honestly want to know if I'm saying/doing things unconsciously that might be hurting him without my knowledge. He then told me that it isn't that I criticize him, it is that I don't say enough positive things - encouragement, praise, etc. I asked him what he would rather have me do than what I was doing, and he couldn't come up with an answer.
So I'm totally lost. I praise him constantly. I make sure I say several positive things each night during the week, and then on weekends when he does projects around the house, I bend over backwards to praise him. This apparently is not enough. The therapist has told me that I need to help remind him to do things and also let her know when I feel DH is slipping back to his old tendencies (which I have only done once). I do this in the most loving, patient, caring way I know how. But if I am honest and tell DH that he isn't following through, he freaks out. I can't praise him for things he isn't doing. I also make a point to not be criticizing him all the time. Being a negative person helps no one.
I'm at the point where I feel therapy is not helping him at all. We are paying out of pocket for the therapy, which would be ok if he was utilizing it, but he's not. But I don't know what else to do. I have changed leaps and bounds to accommodate his ADHD, but nothing I do is right or good enough. I don't know if there is anything else I can do. I want to be able to bring up issues and have a discussion with him without it turning into a three ring circus. But I don't see how that can happen. I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know if therapy is worth it. I'm totally lost and would love to hear anyone's advice.