Hi there I am new here and need some advice..My husband and I have been married for 20 years and in that time I seem to always b the last on his list of priorities. Growing up he pretty much raised himself and I try and understand that probably has alot to do with how he thinks...He makes decisions based on his wants needs and desires and I walk away feeling like an afterthought...over the past 17 years we have had quite a few nasty arguments about his selfish behavior...tonight however we had a breakthrough, he finally acknowledged his part and I finally realized that when some big change happens in our lives I start panicking and can create a huge mountain out of a molehill, I start worrying that he doesnt care and panic sets in and I go on the attack, I should probably mention I am the one with add...Is this normal for me to panic like that and what do we do from here...sorry this is so long but any help would b greatly appreciated
Problems with change
Submitted by Cyrinda on 08/07/2016.
Honestly - I think if I
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Honestly - I think if I constantly felt like I didnt matter much to my husband (which amazingly - I DO feel that way!), and some thing happened, some big change - I would panic too - because I know that any big change could feel like there is risk to myself, and since my husband has made it clear that I am not a priority, how could I NOT feel panic?
I am the non and my soon to be ex-H is the ADHD one. I have lived in a constant state of panic I think since I have been with him. I don't think that is an ADD symptom - but I could also be wrong here, I would read up on some documents to be sure. Anytime something major happens I have been concerned that he would leave - he has threatened it for most of our marriage. And while my H openly controlled me with those threats of leaving - your husband might be doing the same to you by not treating you with the importance you deserve as his wife. When a spouse openly or veiled makes the other spouse feel like they dont matter, or are not a real priority to them - there is a threat that everything built is for nothing, that all the work on the relationship is really built on a foundation of sand - ready to collapse at any time. If he doesnt make you feel valued - perhaps some of that panic is a reflection of that?
For me - I cannot take that status of being low on the priority list anymore. I cannot take the feeling of panic set on by anything that happens because there is a threat that our home, our relationship and well - me - are all not worth it to him. Perhaps that's why you have such an issue with the panic? I know for sure its why I do. Any time some new piece of information comes up, or something in the situation changes - he looses it, and I am made to suffer. I guess that's why I panic anytime I hear of a change big or small..
For instance, my step daughter decided that she wanted to move from her mothers house here in our state (but a few hours away) to H's mother's house where she used to live (in another state, but only 3 hours away) - I knew we were going to be in for another round of "I dont know if I want to be married" again. Top that off with my mother dying in November of last year - so I was emotionally stripped down, and it was a garuntee that he would break down and do this to me. I saw it coming a mile away. And at first I tried to fight it, remind him that this is something that happens every year in Jan (his sister committed suicide over 20 years ago in Jan and he has never dealt with it), and then with my mother dying, and my step daughter moving back to the town we lived in before - I knew he would feel it - but also knew that he would come out of it. But something happened to me.... a couple of months ago I got sick of it. I got tired of feeling the panic, and having to fight for my marriage over and over with someone who really didn't seem to care what happened to me either way. I got tired of being treated like an afterthought when I had put in so much work and effort. And I got tired of him controlling me, and threatening me with leaving.
Now - all that being said, ADD and ADHD can really put a burden on a marriage, especcially if not treated. I would suggest making sure you are doing everything you can to manage those ADD symptoms, not just for your husband and the marriage but for yourself. It very well could be that he has been dealing with the pain that ADD and ADHD spouses who are un treated and un managed can often cause, even if they are not aware of it. And please, dont let it scare you - but many times non ADHD/ADD spouses get fed up with the chaos and the constant mess left for them to deal with, and then add that their own feeling of not being cared for and only there to please and cater to the beck and call of the ADHD/ADD spouse. (like me). If you are not already being treated for ADD, I suggest finding a good therapist who can first help you manage your symptoms and help you retrain your cognative behaviors. This could very well help the panic you feel. But more than anything, it will give your husband a reason to make you a priority, if you can aknowladge and treat the ADD. And if he doesnt - you will learn how to have the strength to carry on with your own fate as you choose it and NOT be victim of your own feelings and whims and uncontrolled emotions.