I just read the book and am shocked at how well it describes my marriage. I have been with my husband for 30 years; married for 21. And it's always been the same. He has never been officially diagnosed with ADHD, but he will admit that he probably has it. He's not overly assertive about trying to get help. The whole courtship thing doesn't really apply to us, but the parent-child relationship part hits it on the head. I often feel alone (like I am living with a roommate) and I'm in charge of everything. My husband is very good at making sure that he addresses things on his own to-do list, but as far as things that are related to general home needs, he can't focus. He often makes his own plans for the day without any regard to things that I may have planned or need to have done. One thing he does, that drives me crazy (and I haven't seen anyone else mention) is procrastinate. If we are trying to get ready to leave the house to go somewhere, at the very last minute (as we're all piling into the car) he will decide it's time to mop the kitchen floor, rake up leaves or vacuum the car. All of a sudden, he gets very task-oriented. This happens a lot! Is this a symptom of ADHD? Does anyone else experience this? Would love feedback. Thanks.
Procrastination?
Submitted by Ratty on 12/26/2012.
last minute
Submitted by lynninny on
My STBX with ADHD definitely had something with the last minute thing going on. It seemed as if the consequences needed to be really dire, or a lot of pressure needed to be on, or he would realize that some other event may occur soon (like me getting in the car to drive on a trip in 10 minutes)--for him to be able to focus and start things. I see now that it was something about the pressure or the "right now" nature of the motivation that helped him focus or have the energy or ability to do it. At the time it wore on our relationship because unfortunately I didn't know what I was dealing with and he seemed completely clueless about how this affected me and our family. Example--he had a very important, career-making academic report to write for work. Huge, like a small book. He knew about it for years ahead of the due date, but could not start working on it until the very last minute. If I asked him about it ahead of time, he would freak out, so I stopped mentioning it.
Looking back, I do believe that his ADHD affected his ability to do what I and all of his colleagues would do--work on it gradually. Long story short--he could not make himself start the report until it was right before the due date. We had two children under 2. I had been on maternity leave and was just going back to work. And he pretty much abandoned ship, locked himself in a room, and did the entire report round the clock in two weeks. I didn't really understand ADHD that well at the time, unfortunately, but I was crushed that he didn't seem to care or worry about me being left to take care of everything, with no notice. I got so sleep deprived that I dinged the car in a parking lot while he did nothing but work on his report and throw his dirty dishes into the sink. The kicker for me was hearing him brag about how brilliant he was afterward to everyone who would listen--how he wrote a report that usually took other people a year, in two weeks and how great it was (frankly, it was ok, but I found a few typos and errors later that seemed to be there because he was rushing). I let him know that my issue was that there was no discussion, there was no plan, there was no, "I am in a tight spot, and I am going to be in trouble at work if I don't do this, and I know you are going back to work in two weeks after maternity leave, but can you help me? How can we make this work?" at all. There was just, "Save yourself, I am doing this now." When I complained, he became very defensive, and we never developed the ability to negotiate this issue. He would make me very late for a trip by insisting as I was pulling out of the driveway, on rotating the car tires right that second (even though I had asked several times if he wanted to do anything to the car the days before). Many a time I would pull up in the driveway and see him through the window, jumping up out of a chair, running to do something because he realized that the day had gone by and I was home (lol).
So to answer your question, yes, it drove me crazy. Things like this happened over and over again. He made me late for absolutely everything, and then would break the speed limit trying to get there on time. The last incident was one of my dearest friend's weddings, which we finally walked into with me in tears and as the bride was coming down the aisle. And he looked at me and said, "See! We made it!" He just could. not. leave. on. time. for. anything. no. matter. what. I. tried. And I really hate being late for things.
A few suggestions, which you could take with a grain of salt, since mine are theoretical, and from hindsight. While you may ask their ADHD partners to work on the issue, I wouldn't expect your partner to be a completely different person, so figuring out ways that you can deal with the issue are just as important. The ADHD brain if I understand correctly can have difficulty organizing tasks and perceiving time and deadlines, period. I would establish support for yourself if you need it while working with your spouse (I so wish I had been smart enough to anticipate the whole "writing the report" fiasco, and while I had a point with my STBX, it didn't help me take care of my children or get any sleep--if I had called someone to come stay with us, or scraped together some cash for a babysitter or something, I would have been better off than just being sad and pissed and exhausted). And finally, if he makes you late or can't get anywhere on time--my therapist suggested that a) I just let it go if he is late for things that don't affect me, like his own doctor's appointments--he was an adult and could deal with his own fallout; and b) that if I really wanted to get somewhere on time, like my friend's wedding, I tell him nicely and evenly ahead of time, "I am leaving at ____ time. I will be driving out of the driveway. I would like you to come, but if you want to go with me, that is the time I am leaving." And, if he didn't make it, to just nicely get in the car and leave him, not saying a word. I never did it, because we completely self-destructed after the friend's wedding, but was planning on it. Anyone ever try this?
Best of luck to you. If you have a chance to read some about ADHD and how it affects the brain, it may help--it did make me feel better later to realize that much of this stuff wasn't personal.