How do you let what you have no control over effect you? If you live with a partner whom you share very little commonality with, you probably already know the answer to my question. Or, do you? Blindness is what I suffered with...She is wrong, I am right.
I don't know about you but the product of this mindset for me was anger, bitterness and many other emotional misery's to numerous to list....So what is the answer to a peaceful life? Well, lets use me for the example, since I don't mind offending myself, I've found a dose of reality about myself each morning may taste bad, but it's good medicine for those around me...Ha Ha!....
First I had to see what my desire to change this person I married was doing to me. What had happened to my emotional state, and just how much of my time was (very unhealthy) spent obsessing over this lifestyle that I viewed as (intrusive, irresponsible and on course to destroy a marriage with so much promise) poison.
I had to deal with my own life, my own heart, and see myself, this was so hard for me, I had built up a wall of denial and all I could focus on was the emotional and physiological pain I was suffering at the hands of this other person. So, I prayed and trusted, I listened to tapes, I read a few books on marriage, I read books on the effects of ADD/ADHD. We even separated for almost a year...Went to counseling...But I have come (been brought) to a place where a few simple truths of life, is saving my life....
One is I am not responsible for my wife's action's, words, or thoughts. They in no wise define me or play ANY role in who I am as a man in this life...
Two I am the husband is this marriage, God has called me to place of leadership and responsibility (Ephesians 5) as his Child, and as her Husband, (to love her as I love myself) and I can never use her (nor does he) actions and words, as an excuse for forsaking my own responsibilities.
How does this play out in your life,, you my be asking? Well here are few things I can share w/ you...One and the main one is I have got to keep my focus on life, on me to have peace...The moment I start talking to myself about anything to do with her lifestyle, I start digressing....
Boundaries...I cannot let her inability or unwillingness to be neat :), go somewhere on time, pay bills on time, have self-control in all aspects of life from meals to bed times play a role in my own convictions to being responsible, and for my own well being.
I don't mean I want do things I wouldn't ordinarily, add does effect my life, you cannot love someone who suffers w/ ADD and not be effected by it, just like she will also be effected by my own issues...But, I refuse to let it dictate my life, and who I am...There is a huge difference between enablement and being used....Vs....loving someone....Accountability is love...not all manifestations of love are pleasurable!
So in closing, I just want to say this one thing....To know does not give us the ability to perform that that we feel we know.....But, I do want to thank people like Melissa Orlov, Gary Chapman, Gary Thompson, Doctor James Stone, and many others who is giving their lives to help others...Also for the many others who have loved us and prayed for us, and for the men who have spoken truth to me and held me accountable...
But all the credit for healing of my anger, my bitterness and for the forgiveness of my many sin's against my wife goes to Jesus. Who truly is the living place of eternal peace and rest....:) Blessings Friends....
C ur self, thank you for this post
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Dear C ur self, I've always enjoyed your posts, and they've certainly been uplifting and encouraging to say the least. In fact, they've been helping me start to re-focus what I truly need to be focusing on........mainly ME. I've read and re-read so many of the things you've written, and I'm SO GLAD there is a gentleman on this site that "with the help of Jesus" is constantly changing and working towards doing what is the best for his wife, his relationship and mainly his God. Thank you for writing your daily struggles and joys with us. I am especially glad that there were other men around you that helped with accountability. In this day and age, there seems to be such a need for Godly men who aren't afraid to talk "their walk" and be strong in the Lord for their families, friends, co-workers and others.
I have a joyful post myself to add to this. I've posted recently that my ADHD husband has been working on himself and behaving much differently than he has the past 30 years. I've been skeptical, to say the least, but it's beginning to prove itself out. He is staying WITH the changes, and he's been listening to Godly men on YouTube and radio and searching the Word for changes in his life. Yesterday for the VERY FIRST TIME, we prayed together and asked Jesus for forgiveness of our sins, and then asked each other for forgiveness for anything and everything we've done to hurt each other. This had happened before, but NEVER like this time. THIS WAS DIFFERENT. This was genuine, and I felt a genuine LOVE from him that I hadn't felt ever. It came from FORGIVENESS...real forgiveness....ON BOTH OUR PARTS.
We both have been being convicted in our spirits that we need to be doing the things that are TRULY important. This was especially BIG coming from my husband, because he has been so focused on money and his "success", that I had gotten to a point where I lost faith that this would change. I'm ashamed to admit how low I had fallen myself due to hurt, betrayal, anger and a self loathing. The betrayal from his long term affair was like the "last straw" of a long list of abandonment I experienced over the years. My mother abandoned me and my siblings for another man, our father didn't want us. The grandparents who adopted us didn't want us and were SEVERELY physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to us. And, our step-parents (that married our biological parents didn't want us either) So, 6 parents in all didn't want the 4 of us, and it was very, very hard emotionally to accept that SO MANY adults (parents) wanted us to "disappear" somehow. We were weekly told what a burden we were on all of them, and that we were "worthless" and "good for nothing". Those words came from our "Christian" grandparents, who raised us in a Pentecostal church. It was VERY CONFUSING to say the least. to be hearing sermons about God's love, and then having no one in real "life" that loved or wanted us/me.
We were told we had to marry WITHIN that denomination, and I did. And, to follow suit, the man I married was very physically and verbally abusive as well. I finally left him after he started threatening my life, and was hitting me and causing many bruises and was threatening the lives of our 2 small girls. 3 different ministers from that religion advised me NOT to leave.....that divorce was a SIN....and I should "Not make him mad, or get him upset".......plus they said.."A soft answer turneth away wrath". I was doing those things, but a true abuser will not heed a soft answer. (he didn't, he only got worse)
Anyway, time passed, and I met my current husband. We both knew that God brought us together. we were going to church, reading the scriptures and were GOOD with each other....it was the UNDIAGNOSED ADHD that was beginning to really mess things up with us. AND IT DID.
And you are right......about what you said.......THAT...we NON's begin to focus so much on the ADHD person, that we loose sight of ourselves. And, I know that I've been doing that for far too long. But, lately knew that THAT had to change. It is now starting to. And, for the first time in years, I've felt some real happiness. I almost forgot what it felt like. I guess forgiveness can do that to you. :)
There are a lot more details I've left out...that aren't important. But, I just wanted you to know this. We have HOPE again, and have started on a new journey. It doesn't mean we aren't going to have our ADHD struggles (as well as MANY OTHERS) but, FOR REAL.....we've started something different. God is good.
Blessings to you and your wife.
Thank you Dede..:)
Submitted by c ur self on
I had tons of emotion trying to get through your post...With all you've been through, and w/ the sweet spirit you still possess your life just shouts of God's awesome love for us....:)
Thank you for sharing, I'm so encouraged for you and your husband...