My DH has had a diagnosis of ADHD for a few years now, and I've read Melissa's book and have followed here for a while, but this is my first post. I am at a point where I just feel broken and really scared, and I just can't stop going over this in my head. DH has been on a low dose of ritalin for a year or so, along with a low dose of celexa, all prescribed by our family doctor. It helps some, but we still have a lot of problems and our marriage is on the verge of being over, despite the fact that we really do love each other. The D word comes up pretty regularly, with both of us agreeing that we can't continue to live the way we are now. The issues from his ADHD and my reaction to it just seem insurmountable, there's so much hurt on both sides, and we can't afford counseling. I have been urging him to see a psychiatrist to work on getting on more effective meds and also address co-morbid disorders (depression and anxiety, at a minimum). Well, finally after months of me begging and pleading and lots of false starts on his part, he made it to an appointment with a new psychiatrist this week. After a 45 minute interview with him, she told him that she doesn't think he has ADHD, that his issues are probably coming from his depression and anxiety and are exacerbated by the ritalin, and she recommended that he work with our family doctor to get off the ritalin while she ups his dose of celexa and gives him something called hydrox to relieve his anxiety. He latched on to the "I don't think you have ADHD" part and came home to excitedly tell me that, and I started sobbing.
Please don't get me wrong, I don't want for my DH to have ADHD. If that's really not the problem, then great, let's figure out what is and move forward. But he has textbook symptoms of ADHD. When I read Melissa's book, I found myself highlighting more than I wasn't, because I could relate to SO MUCH of what she described. He has had 7 jobs in about the past 6 years, and he's on his 3rd job just since February of this year. He gets fired because he either speaks impulsively and pisses someone off, or he makes too many mistakes (he's in an industry where mistakes mean money). I handle pretty much ALL of the household responsibilities because he can't be relied on to remember what needs to be done. He leaves clutter everywhere and won't pick up obvious messes - he says he can't "see" them like I can. He gets pretty frequent speeding tickets and he's gotten 3 tickets in about the past 2 years for the exact same thing - running a red light on a right turn because he *literally* doesn't understand what it means to come to a complete stop. He's terrible with money and we've lost a house and declared chapter 13 bankruptcy in the past. He has also had addiction issues, in the past with drugs and now with video games. In fact, before we were even married, I issued an ultimatum - me or the damn video game that consumed all of his time. He still plays a game on his phone, and it takes his time and energy from what he should be focused on (esp. our kids), but it's not as bad as the computer game. I don't like to leave the kids with him (although a lot of times I have no choice) because I worry about their safety due to his lack of attention. I spend all of my time and energy trying to take care of the kids and our household, work a stable full time job so I know we have income and benefits to fall back on in case he loses his job again, and just keep things stable until he plunges us into another crisis of some sort. And now, after the progress we made in getting him to a psychiatrist to talk about meds, she just flippantly throws out an "I don't think you have ADHD and you shouldn't be on ritalin" diagnosis. I feel like we are back at square-freaking-one, and he can't understand why.
After talking with him and trying to explain my feelings (which always make him feel extremely defensive, no matter how gentle I try to be), I'm not sure I feel much better. He is pretty psyched at the idea that he may not have ADHD and that antidepressants may magically fix all these problems (problems which, of course, he failed to mention to her). He has agreed to continue on the ritalin for now. I tried to explain to him that if ritalin doesn't work for him, then my hope is that he will have the psychiatrist acknowledge/recognize the ADHD and work with him to find the right meds. I don't want him to take meds that are making his anxiety worse or hurting him, but I don't for a second believe that he doesn't have ADHD, because I've seen the incredibly terrible impact it's had on our 14-year marriage. I think all he can hear is that I want him to stay on a med that he doesn't need and may be making things worse. The psychiatrist asked him to go for some sort of neurological testing, but DH couldn't explain to me what it was. He says that she explained it to him, but he couldn't remember what she'd said. I'm going to go with him to that appointment (after he makes it, which who knows how long that will be), and he has another appointment with her next month. I have concerns that she is going to decide that I'm just pushing for an ADHD diagnosis with some sort of ulterior motive, but I honestly don't understand how any doctor knowledgeable about ADHD could decide after a 45-minute discussion with A PERSON WHO IS COMPLETELY UNABLE TO SELF EVALUATE that he doesn't have ADHD. I mean, isn't that a hallmark of ADHD? I've read people here saying over and over that their pwADD was in denial, or completely unable to see the issues they had, etc My hope is that I will be able to go and objectively describe to her the behaviors that I see, and that we can move forward from there.
This was more of a vent, really. If you got this far, thanks for "listening." Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.
A few thoughts, none of which
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
A few thoughts, none of which should be construed as me giving advice about what you and your husband should do: My own therapist (now retired, smartest person I know) told me that she thinks my husband, who others have diagnosed with ADHD, does not have ADHD but that his longstanding anxiety and depression caused the behaviors that some would categorize as ADHD. She said that ritalin will make anyone concentrate better, so the fact that ritalin seemed to help him and other people who have been diagnosed with ADHD does not mean that such a disorder exists. I'm on the fence as to whether ADHD exists; I was fine with my husband thinking he had it if that led him engage actively in treatment, which I figured would help him no matter what his official diagnosis or ailment. However, he was not interested in sticking with behavioral therapy, and nothing improved.
Ritalin can exacerbate anxiety in some people. My older daughter, also diagnosed with ADHD (when she was in high school), accidentally took more than the prescribed dose for a few days and had a near-psychotic reaction. It was horrible.
I agree
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>> I'm on the fence as to whether ADHD exists;<<<
I agree. On one hand, the symptoms are there, but on another hand, the symptoms are also found in other disorders.
I think ADHD is often "the first sign" that there is something more serious going on.
Did your H just see this Dr once?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
If your H just saw this Dr one time, and you weren't there, then I wouldn't believe much what your H said.
One or two or three visits aren't enough to fully determine what a person has...or doesn't have.
Also, you don't know what your H said to her; he may have twisted stories or lied to her.
You don't know exactly what the Dr said. Your H may have "heard what he wanted to hear."
Anyway, there are many mental disorders that have overlapping symptoms. I don't think anyone really has "severe ADHD." I think that's something that many professionals say when they don't want to mention the more serious disorder the person really has.
Anxiety, depression, ADHD, and/or personality disorders, and/or BiPolar disorder all seem to go hand in hand.
I don't know if it's possible to have someone have Anxiety and depression without some other issue, unless their anxiety and depression are mild or just temporary.
I don't think it's possible to have anxiety or depression, I think they always go together unless their sufferings are temporary, such as depression after the loss of a loved one.
>>>
>>>>But he has textbook symptoms of ADHD. When I read Melissa's book, I found myself highlighting more than I wasn't, because I could relate to SO MUCH of what she described. He has had 7 jobs in about the past 6 years, and he's on his 3rd job just since February of this year. He gets fired because he either speaks impulsively and pisses someone off, or he makes too many mistakes (he's in an industry where mistakes mean money). I handle pretty much ALL of the household responsibilities because he can't be relied on to remember what needs to be done. He leaves clutter everywhere and won't pick up obvious messes - he says he can't "see" them like I can. He gets pretty frequent speeding tickets and he's gotten 3 tickets in about the past 2 years for the exact same thing - running a red light on a right turn because he *literally* doesn't understand what it means to come to a complete stop. He's terrible with money and we've lost a house and declared chapter 13 bankruptcy in the past. He has also had addiction issues, in the past with drugs and now with video games. In fact, before we were even married, I issued an ultimatum - me or the damn video game that consumed all of his time. <<<<
<<<
Much of what you''ve described includes ADHD symptoms, but they're also symptoms of a personality disorder.
Youve described very impulsive behavior (bad with money, traffic tickets, losing jobs), and those might be ADHD related or they may be personality disorder related or he may be bipolar.
What kind of mistakes does your H make that causes him to lose his job?
BTW...the next time your H has an appt with this Dr, you need to go with him to make sure that the truth is being told.
My H will not tell a female healthcare provider the truth because he doesn't' want to "lose face" with a female.
Interesting Discussion
Submitted by kellyj on
Here's my take on this (my experience ).
I know 3 other friends of mine who have ADHD.....that's 4 people including myself.
One, is an Anesthesiologist and sits on a Congressional board of medical professionals that represents his industry. He's married and has two children and has been for over 20 years. I've know him since we were 10 years old. Knowing what I know about him. He definitely has ADHD. He was bouncing off the walls back then. We got along splendidly together. lol
One, is a contractor and home builder and has his own company. He's been doing this since he got out of high school. I knew him (met him then). He's married and has 3 children and has been married now for over 30 years.
One, is an investment banker. He's been doing this since he graduated college. He's married and has one child and and has been married now for over 20 years. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was very young. I think around 6 or 7 years old. Probably when he started going to school and they noticed some problem with his behavior I'm guessing. When asked about his ADHD....he will tell you that his issues stem around anxiety not ADHD.
I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was in my late 40's but I had been seeing my T for at least five years before that which started out as marriage counseling for my ex wife and I. My T (a clinical Dr. of Psychology) has ADD as well as one of his sons. ADHD rarely comes up in our sessions together. If I bring it up with him....he quickly moves of it by saying things like...."yes...this could be related to ADHD but........." and moves back to the issues at hand. The only reason I was officially diagnosed by him was to try medication since he does not prescribe himself. He does not make or give me definitive diagnosis for any issue I have but makes suggestions or point to general areas of where I fit into the big scheme of things. His approach is more directly focused on the specific issues that are causing problems and working on those...each one individually instead of making blanket suggestions or diagnosis in order to work from.
I really didn't even know what ADHD was until then and yet I managed to make it that far without even knowing I had it. I have worked the same career and only had two positions in over 35 years. I recently made a conscious decision to leave my employer for a number of reasons that had more to with my industry as a whole than anything else and felt like it was time to make a change based solely on that reason.
I've been married twice (20 years total). The first one was a mistake. My choice....my mistake. It was short lived and I can't even call it a real marriage. Only on paper.
I think there is such a thing as ADHD. I think anxiety and depression are common issues associated with it. I know that meds have really helped me in an overall sense but they are just a crutch or aid to everything else that I have worked on in self growth or improvement. Without the time and effort I have put into that....the meds would not have been much help in the over all picture. They weren't the focal point of my therapy....neither was the topic of ADHD.
Therapy for me has had a significant (major) impact in my overall sense of well being and personal stability. From what I have read just recently ....cognitive or behavioral therapy does not ( or has shown ) not to directly impact executive functioning associated with ADHD....I think that's correct if I am not mistaken?
The medication....(as I already indicated)...augments everything else and does help directly with my ability to focus and manage my ADHD symptoms better. Its a leg up or crutch that really helps make things easier for me but that is all it is as far as I am concerned. A crutch does not mend a broken leg in other words but it does make it easier to walk around while you are in a cast.
What I am doing here (on this forum) and on my own (not at my T pushing or advise.....is learning more and augmenting what I already know and am working on already to step up my efforts with my goal in accelerating and improving upon what I have already done and am already doing. It is yet another way of adding to and augmenting the aggregate of my own personal growth and improvement.
In my personal assessment at this point looking back at this entire process over the last 15 years now ( I had to stop and really add this up....time flies when you are having fun ha ha ;) My ADHD symptoms are just one part of this entire package. The symptoms themselves have been there all of my life and I have worked around them as best I could without even knowing I had it. As problematic as they have been for me at different time under different circumstances.....they fall lower on the list of things that have really caused me trouble in my life compared to the things that my T and I have worked on together. Those have caused more real problems in an overall sense than my ADHD directly related symptoms however.....as my friend the investment banker said and I would personally concur with him now..... Managing and focusing on my stress and anxiety levels and focusing on them even if they are a by product of ADHD has been more effective or had a greater impact on my over all sense of well being and happiness than focusing directly on my ADHD and attacking it that way however.....taking it to the next level and now focusing more on each symptom now, and trying to improve on those in addition to everything seems to be the logical progression or next step in this over all process.
First things first.....one step at a time in the proper order. I think that pretty much covers my take on this for myself at least. Just my opinion at least to throw out there:)