Pushed my love one away again.

So I have ADHD I can be short tempered and quick to annoy. Have been madly in love with my girlfriend for a long time now, since meeting her it has been the happiest time of my life. Unfortunately she has to deal with me and my AHDH. I am successful professionally, on the outside everybody likes me because they do not see the Mr. Hyde in me, only the nice caring loving giving Dr Jekyll. I was always afraid things might get out of hand and she would want to leave me unless I got more control over myself. Over the years I left her in the city (we both took the subway in), I have broken down doors in anger, and complain and nit pick over everything. In time I have become a lot more aware of my actions and am doing everything in my power to change. I find that over time she is slowly falling out of love with me. I suggested we goto group therapy which we did a few times, but she did not like it because she felt most things were directed at her (use keyword to help me realize im adhd’ing) or not react to me in my crazy state.  To me this was just us trying to make the relationship work but to her it was her changing for me. I obviously do not want to say stupid things or complain unnecessarily. I love this woman more than anything in the world and feel we have a very special connection and hope to spend the rest of my life with her.
So now her brothers wedding is happening at town and the morning of the wedding they change where the reception is being held and I can’t get off of work to go, that plus I was being a stupid selfish prick who couldn’t realize his girlfriend wanted him to be there. I get really angry and say some god awful things about her brother and the wedding, and post on facebook without thinking about my actions just because I was upset. Now her whole family is pissed off at me and she is ready to leave. I can understand why its hard to deal with somebody who acts so irrationally even if its 2% of the time and 90% is amazing.. 8% mixed. She wants to work it out with me and I know I have to change to stop acting in these ways. I fear I may have already ruined the relationship because the man she fell in love with was charming me and the man she moved in and is living with is the wonderful dr. Jekyll most of the time, but when excited can turn into Mr. Hyde. So now maybe she will never get that love back. My biggest fear is as I work to better myself I will slip up again – and do something stupid and reinforce to her that she should leave me.

I just needed somewhere to rant I am heartbroken that this special love and all the happiness and joy might be broken apart due to my ADHD and lack of control. I am in therapy and working to get better all the time, but how much can one person put up with it... before they just giveup and want somebody who can control themselves..

 

My friends I am frustrated with the lack of control I have over my anger..

have you tried meds?

Have you tried meds as yet?if not you should try some and see if it would help you,also you should go and get enrolled for "anger management and behavior modification" in an institution and see also what's the outcome,it won't hurt to try it! seeing that the anger has been your main issue,My ADHD spouse was in "anger management" in an institution for 5 to 6 months, where he lived for some time working on his "anger and behavior" for that period, and it helped him a bit,but results won't show right away depending on the impact of anger, it would take a lot of self-work also,I am sorry to hear things have been going down spiral with you,but only "YOU" can make that change.

good luck

from:lovehurts.

I have tried different meds

I have tried different meds none really helped that much the new therapist I have  been seeing in the past year+ has been really really helpful and I know I am on the right path, I excel at my job and have always had anger issues in the past. Maybe anger management might help. The problem is having these issues for so many years everything isn’t perfect overnight. We are trying to work it out I really hope we can because I love her so dearly and both feel a really special connection. I fear that nomatter how hard I try or what I do there will always be a trace of it and mixed with her personality traits if something else happens she may leave, and maybe rightfully so if I break something or act in a way that will scare her. Everybody here talks about time  healing and that’s true. But there is no magic cure.

RE:MikeZ,

No your right! there isn't a magic cure,but only you can take that action in to curing yourself.the part in which you describe yourself feeling the fear of losing her, is an ADHD trait,one of the many books I have read use the terms"don't try harder try differently"and I believe in that philosophy,it's really a matter of trying differently.Once you have come to an understanding that you have a problem! then that is the first (step) in a happy ending if you make it possible.Don't let your mind play you for what you could really GAVE,I trust that you would be headed down the road to the place you would want to be,don't give up! you would reach there.

good luck

lovehurts.

Oh I am well aware that I

Oh I am well aware that I suffer from ADHD, I accept it and am working on techniques to compensate for my biggest weakness - poor self control. I spoke to my therapist this weekend and he said sometimes it takes an earth shattering event to help somebody become more aware of their actions. I can only hope that is the case for me. I feel like I am a different person, but then again I have had similar type feelings before. I am SO BLESSED she is giving me another chance and we are trying to work it out. She is still staying with her friends and looking for a new place to live, which might be a good idea for us to live apart for a while. I can only hope I have learned my lesson and grow up a bit from this past event. Continue down the road towards a good future, and continue to get better with each passing week. We discussed meds and he said it is an option that I can explore either now, or if in fact this past blow up of mine has not shaken me enough to help me realize how bad my actions effect others then if it happens again I will have to pursue meds. I have been on them before, they  helped a little but not that much. I feel its more something one has to do for themselves… mind over matter type thing - but only time will tell. I hope my mind is not playing with me, for both of our sakes.........