Pushed my love one away again.

So I have ADHD I can be short tempered and quick to annoy. Have been madly in love with my girlfriend for a long time now, since meeting her it has been the happiest time of my life. Unfortunately she has to deal with me and my AHDH. I am successful professionally, on the outside everybody likes me because they do not see the Mr. Hyde in me, only the nice caring loving giving Dr Jekyll. I was always afraid things might get out of hand and she would want to leave me unless I got more control over myself. Over the years I left her in the city (we both took the subway in), I have broken down doors in anger, and complain and nit pick over everything. In time I have become a lot more aware of my actions and am doing everything in my power to change. I find that over time she is slowly falling out of love with me. I suggested we goto group therapy which we did a few times, but she did not like it because she felt most things were directed at her (use keyword to help me realize im adhd’ing) or not react to me in my crazy state.  To me this was just us trying to make the relationship work but to her it was her changing for me. I obviously do not want to say stupid things or complain unnecessarily. I love this woman more than anything in the world and feel we have a very special connection and hope to spend the rest of my life with her.
So now her brothers wedding is happening at town and the morning of the wedding they change where the reception is being held and I can’t get off of work to go, that plus I was being a stupid selfish prick who couldn’t realize his girlfriend wanted him to be there. I get really angry and say some god awful things about her brother and the wedding, and post on facebook without thinking about my actions just because I was upset. Now her whole family is pissed off at me and she is ready to leave. I can understand why its hard to deal with somebody who acts so irrationally even if its 2% of the time and 90% is amazing.. 8% mixed. She wants to work it out with me and I know I have to change to stop acting in these ways. I fear I may have already ruined the relationship because the man she fell in love with was charming me and the man she moved in and is living with is the wonderful dr. Jekyll most of the time, but when excited can turn into Mr. Hyde. So now maybe she will never get that love back. My biggest fear is as I work to better myself I will slip up again – and do something stupid and reinforce to her that she should leave me.

I just needed somewhere to rant I am heartbroken that this special love and all the happiness and joy might be broken apart due to my ADHD and lack of control. I am in therapy and working to get better all the time, but how much can one person put up with it... before they just giveup and want somebody who can control themselves..


My friends I am frustrated with the lack of control I have over my anger..