I come to this site and write down my frustrated, angry and full of rage feelings and feel purged a bit and heard. But I am realizing that what my anger is really, is an attempt to save myself from the powerlessness of my situation and the sadness and disappointment and loneliness and some fear that comes with something being out of control and in a downward spiral. I am disappointed and ashamed of myself for letting myself get into financial ambiguity. I am frustrated because I don't know what is going on with DH but must make decisions regarding him and he condemns me for trying to talk about it and won't discuss money or the future. All I thought I was working for now seems to have been thrown into a bucket with a hole in it and it has all dripped out and is empty.....love, finances, security, trust, remembered history, even my own integrity and self respect. I don't like who I have become. I am grieving the dreams and faith in love I once had. I am becoming aware that I have become "de-selfed" and not feeling seen or heard. I feel bad. How did I get here? I was once the gregarious, personable confident one. Now I want to hide in a hole. I feel like a failure because I don't feel loved and cared for. DH's lack of financial mindfulness and his inattention has us in a situation where I am embarrassed and I must share his failures which now are part of my psyche and partially define me. He lives in a world of his own distractions and delusions. I feel like a failure and I have been working so hard on our relationship and the family's financial survival. This sad grieving acceptance and feelings of lack of faith and trust in my own abilities and grace are very uncomfortable.