Putting away some anger and accepting

I come to this site and write down my frustrated, angry and full of rage feelings and feel purged a bit and heard.  But I am realizing that what my anger is really, is an attempt to save myself from the powerlessness of my situation and the sadness and disappointment and loneliness and some fear that comes with something being out of control and in a downward spiral.  I am disappointed and ashamed of myself for letting myself get into financial ambiguity. I am frustrated because I don't know what is going on with DH but must make decisions regarding him and he condemns me for trying to talk about it and won't discuss money or the future.  All I thought I was working for now seems to have been thrown into a bucket with a hole in it and it has all dripped out and is empty.....love, finances, security, trust, remembered history, even my own integrity and self respect.  I don't like who I have become. I am grieving the dreams and faith in love I once had. I am becoming aware that I have become "de-selfed" and not feeling seen or heard.   I feel bad.  How did I get here?  I was once the gregarious, personable confident one.  Now I want to hide in a hole.  I feel like a failure because I don't feel loved and cared for.  DH's lack of financial mindfulness and his inattention has us in a situation where I am embarrassed and I must share his failures which now are part of my psyche and partially define me.  He lives in a world of his own distractions and delusions. I feel like a failure and I have been working so hard on our relationship and the family's financial survival.  This sad grieving acceptance and feelings of lack of faith and trust in my own abilities and grace are very uncomfortable. 

Jennalemon, you are strong

Jennalemon, you are strong enough to have kept your family afloat.  You are still functioning.  You may feel like you're in a hole right now, but you will be able to get out of it.  I have faith in you.  

Why?  Because you sound so much like me.  I could have written everything you wrote above, and there are days when I feel exactly the way you describe.  

But things have gotten better.  My husband will likely never have a well-paying job, and that bugs the heck out of me, but I can support myself and cover many of our children's expenses.  I am an independent, mature, insightful, intelligent, well-functioning adult.  I was on track to being that anyway but living with a spouse with ADHD pushed me to develop these qualities even more.  I have some friends to whom I can confide; I have a very supportive family; I have adult daughters who love me and their father and who respect me.  (I don't know how they feel about their dad on that score.)  

If I contributed to my husband's ADHD, it was only by doing so many things for him and for our family that he was allowed to go longer than he should have without confronting his illness.  I'll bet this is true about you and your spouse, too.

We're here for you, Jennalemon.

Girl I'm With Ya

The Self shame of what has happened here is too much to bear.

Really it is.

This is not the person I am.

It is totally my fault for riding this downward spiral down this far.

I swear I knew better.

It's just that at some point you truly believe your partner will reciprocate.

You believe they'd go as far for you as you've gone for them.

The hard realization they won't is pretty devastating.