Putting it into words

Forums: 

I seem to be constantly trying to craft a sentence in my mind of how I feel and what I've done and what I want.  I found this online and paraphrased it and seem to be able to attach it to my self.  

"I have borne the consequences of my spouse's irresponsibility. I have exhausted every means of restoration. I have loved without reservation. I have returned good for childish, uncaring attitude and lack of commitment. I have sacrificed my dignity and self-respect for the sake of my household.  I have done more than most would do."

That is where I am.  Now, I am trying to craft a sentence of how I want to proceed knowing who I am (want to be again) and finding strength to move forward.

Moving forward

Hi Jennalemon,

"I have borne the consequences of my spouse's irresponsibility. I have exhausted every means of restoration. I have loved without reservation. I have returned good for childish, uncaring attitude and lack of commitment. I have sacrificed my dignity and self-respect for the sake of my household.  I have done more than most would do."

Yes. Yes, you have. Every day. You have done, and are doing, everything you can. 

Every single #*!%'ing day. After day, after day, after day.

I hear you saying, "Stop the world. I wanna get off!"  Or is it back on again? Which direction is up? Is that where I'm going? How can I do this?

One foot in front of the other, Jennalemon. Best you can. Have courage. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,..."

I, too, am trying to move forward. One foot in front of the other. Watching out for sinkholes along the way. In a world where it is necessary to remain calm and seated, think logically and carefully, while the surrounding mayhem threatens to suck you into insanity.

I want to RUN. As fast as I can. I can't. But I will remain calm (most of the time) and be supportive, be accommodating,  clean up the messes that effect me, stuff myself and my feelings a little bit deeper yet again, and make plans to be on my own. I am finding it very hard to be loving.  Love feels like an ugly pit of a joke, lodged in my gut. 

I am repeating to myself as many positive things as I can, as many times a day as I can.

Where will I be? Where am I going? I have only the tiniest thread of hope there will be an us; I know that I will not be able to spend my life in ADHD hell. I would like to maintain some semblance of sanity.

I do worry about my marbles. Lol! Something has to give and I'm afraid for myself.  I provide 24/7 care for my best friends mom, a dementia patient. In my home. So the people I primarily communicate with on a daily basis are an elderly dementia patient and my ADHD/out of control completely, SO. 

"If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there"

xo

to Walker

We seem to be in similar places of frustration and determination.  How hot does the pot get before we jump out of the boiling water?  OR how do we adapt ourselves to the prospect of going down the drain with someone who is not able to see or plan for the future?  I hear you.  Clarity and faith is the path I am taking.  

Jennalemon

Wow. You made me realize the water is already boiling. Wow. It can't get any hotter once you reach the boiling point. How much of me will dissipate with the steam? I believe I am trying to disengage completely. I am trying to save myself, before I'm gone. This is sooo freakin' sad. I pray for clarity. And the sanity needed to recognize clarity.

Lol! Lol! I just gotta laugh. Thank God I still can.

Funny how water comes up in

Funny how water comes up in these nonADHD-spouse experiences.  The images that come to my mind are either of me being pulled under water by my drowning husband; being on a sinking boat with him, and I'm bailing the water while he's poking more holes in the bottom; or me drowning while my husband stands on the shore, crying because he's about to become a widower.  

Water visions

I have the recurring vision of him climbing on me while I am in the water with a life jacket on...then he crawls up to save himself and my head is under water and he doesn't seem to care.  Or he is stepping on me to get a better look in a crowd or to step on me to get what he is reaching for.  He doesn't notice that he is not stepping on a rock or an inanimate object.  If I tell him it is me he is stepping on, his attitude is "Just take it for a while, I will be done in a minute" or "I am not stepping on you". 

I do worry about my marbles.

I was just reading a few of my own past entrys and had to laugh when I re-read this from another poster. 

"I do worry about my marbles."

That is where i am right about now.  Oh, my.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Look what I have done. . . . .

Gosh jennalemon, that does describe us well.

I have opened my eyes wide to my reality.  I am ashamed.  What I did, I truly believed I did for love.  I so want to rip the curtain back and expose what my life really looks like - show my friends and family what a fool I have been by perpetuating the charade of a wonderful 25+ year marriage.

 And not to say, "Look at him.  Look at what he did."  

But rather to say, I have been a major fool.    I have allowed myself to stay in a mess for all these years.  I have believed in the fairy tale.  Oh no, dear family and friends, we are NOT financially set after being in business for 32 years.  We are sunk.  We crawled out of 20 years of debt to the tune of $100,055.00 by using up most of an inheritance.  We are now, 5 years later, $39,463.88 in debt again, not including our mortgage and college loans.  

No one knows - - but me.  It is breaking my back.  I am back in school hoping to find a better job.  Now the financial advice I am reading said it is a major mistake. . .  to go back to school to try to start a career . . . . .  to try to get out of debt.

Mistake after mistake after mistake.  

Lord help us all.

 

jenna, I'm So Exhausted, and others, looking at self

    I've read these posts, and am sharing the same feelings as all of you here. I have been looking and regretting all the years of decisions that I MADE, as well as going along with my husband's decisions,  that helped create the mess we are in now. It almost destroyed me, to see all the years of waste, regret, hurt, financial loss, loss of health, and just the loss of YEARS, trying to make a LIFE WORK with someone who "couldn't" and sometimes "wouldn't" be in a marriage. I wanted it to work SO BAD...............it didn't, it couldn't. 

    You don't get married, to live in a marriage BY YOURSELF. You get married to share your life with the partner you chose. (and them choosing you, hopefully)  And, sharing, takes many, many forms, which pretty much includes your entire being, as well as most everything you both DO. I assumed we were  going to walk through life "together". It doesn't turn OUT that way, with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. The marriage turns into a never ending battle ground, and struggle for survival.  Plus, at least for most of the people here, the spouses haven't wanted to  work with their own condition, to help make anything better. They only see it as their spouse trying to control them, I think.

    My husband developed his own coping strategies, that seemed to work for him, and if it didn't work, he ignored it, or blamed someone else.  Many other spouses here, my husband included,  learned to blame in their early years, and that's how they've pretty much gotten through life, even when they KNOW something is "wrong" with them. I know it's a severe blow to their self esteem, to KNOW they aren't like most folks, but that "one person"  who married them is the ONE PERSON who WANTS to help them get through life, and LOVE them through life, BUT....... STILL their own fear of  "something being wrong with them" is too much for them to face. (my own opinion, playing therapist, lol) 

     Anyway, the damage it did to ME, was huge, and deep and I left for self survival. What's amazing still, is that my husband can't admit that living with him changed me as a person, but I no longer care about that.  He's told me several times, and again lately,  "I've always known something was WRONG with me", but he wouldn't and won't go any further than that. My reply to this comment again lately was, "Wouldn't it be awesome if we could BOTH learn how to live with this better and find better tools as well"........ no comment. He did get a little angry and said, "You keep focusing too much on the ADHD". "Not everything is ADHD". Though, many of OUR issues have been with the lack of communication that STEMS from his ADHD...IMO. So, he is still scared to face the monster of ADHD, and whatever else that is going along with it. (and I know there's co-morbidity there) I also believe there is ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). Even if it isn't at the disorder stage, he is very oppositional to many people and things, especially authority figures. There is also the passive aggressive stuff,  which is still quite evident. It's like, he's thinking,"If I mess something up, you won't ask me to DO IT AGAIN, and this way, I won't have to give up my time, OR do something I don't WANT to do".  This scenario has played over.........time and time again.  

     He IS trying very hard to DO things for me the past couple months, as well as saying he doesn't want a divorce, and wants to "work on us". But, I am skeptical and take this as it comes, because right now, it's just too hard for me to believe. Maybe he DOES want it now, but WHY now, and why did it take SO LONG? And why only until after I left? He's smart enough to know and figure certain things out, and it's THIS part of him that makes me question his true motives. His actions will prove out either way, I think.

     Anyway, you guys get the idea. This is NO EASY thing to tackle, or do, and it seriously takes it's toll. I've emotionally disconnected from him in some major ways, and feel better about that, because I feel I can do the things I NEED to do now. 

Loser

Ive been reading about bullying and how a bully gravitates to someone who is willing to play the victim.  The bully's ego is fed when he can have power over the victim.  I think this is how H gets by.  He knows he makes me feel bad and it makes him feel in control.  When bullies are left alone, they want to have a "victim" back.  The only thing is that, many of us women were conditioned to be feminine and we didn't realize that part of being feminine is being weaker, more helpless, softer. I am stopping being romantic and being more "clear-eyed" when I think of H and me.  

H used to say to me "You just think I am a loser".  I NEVER thought he was a loser.  But now that I look back at all the years and how they unfolded, I think he was actually trying to tell me something but didn't know how to be vulnerable enough to talk about things.... So he would put a double whammy on me by making me feel at fault by my "unloving perceived thoughts" ...an unloving snob.   Which I wasn't but he would use that to make me "back off in self evaluation and self doubt".  

"H used to say to me "You

"H used to say to me "You just think I am a loser".  I NEVER thought he was a loser.  But now that I look back at all the years and how they unfolded, I think he was actually trying to tell me something but didn't know how to be vulnerable enough to talk about things.... So he would put a double whammy on me by making me feel at fault by my "unloving perceived thoughts" ...an unloving snob.   Which I wasn't but he would use that to make me "back off in self evaluation and self doubt". "

 

    I never thought of my husband as a loser either. I encouraged his career, and helped him manage a  LOT of it, which he never gave me any credit for. But, I was willing to do it, because he was my husband, and I loved and cared about him. I DO think that somewhere deep inside him, he is SO INSECURE that he developed a persona who isn't the REAL person of who he is, it's the person he WANTS people to THINK he is. But, we all see the real person despite all his effort, and he's never accepted that.   My husband is also very passive-aggressive, which he would never admit, ever. But, when this behavior makes you feel like you've been emotionally hit, or abused in some way..........IT IS ABUSE. Passive aggression IS abuse. It's control, it's a way to manipulate the other person, so that the manipulator doesn't HAVE to change or do anything different,........admit that they were wrong, and are making mistakes. It's like they say, "Come here, I love you", and when you DO that, then, they stop you and say..."but not really, go away".  You just don't know what's going on, or where you stand.  My husband seems to always like the "chase" of something, no matter WHAT it is, and then when he gets the item or person,  doesn't WANT it any longer, and is no longer interested to invest time in it. This happened too many times to count. After the marriage is when it really showed up, because then he HAD to be responsible for a family. We never lived together, so some of this was hidden, until we were married. 

    Now, that he says he "wants" to do better, and spend time together, and I don't believe him.  I feel bad for SAYING that, but I've lived this too many times to count, and I have to trust what the past behavior has shown me. He may mean well, but things change very fast with him, along with the excuses or justifications.

    I have to say, the one thing that my husband has devoted almost ALL of his time to...........is the COMPUTER. He has lived for this, and also the tablet. In the past 25 plus, years, he has spent almost every waking minute (other than his job) sitting at the computer telling me how "I have so much work to do". But, then later would come and hand me stacks of things he downloaded from the computer about random subjects. None related to work. Then, there is also the video games, and television next to the computer screens. (command central)

    Now, I'm not saying this is ALL ADHD'ers.........it's totally not. There are many very good people who are ADHD, and have made pretty good spouses. I'm talking about the ones on here,  like my husband, who have done this behavior on a continual basis, and choose to stay in denial about how much their ADHD affects others around them.  I got worn down, and beaten down, enough to feel totally worthless as a human being, but, especially as a woman.

    This made it hard to come back from, because I gave up emotionally, since I felt trapped, and didn't think I had any options, since the sadness was overwhelming. It's been a year, and I"m stronger, but have a long way to go. I don't EVER want to be caught up in this way of relating ever again, because after living in a much more peaceful atmosphere, and not having daily chaotic things, or fires to put out, or things regularly getting broken, is a calmer, more peaceful way of living. 

    I would really like to hear from more ADHD persons on here, talk about their lives, and how they see THEIR lives playing out. I know it must be daunting to hear the stories like these here, where spouses are worn out, or frustrated to their wit's end. But, this is the other end of the spectrum if they don't get help and find themselves in long term relationships.                    

           But now that I look back at all the years and how they unfolded, I think he was actually trying to tell me something but didn't know how to be vulnerable enough to talk about things.... So he would put a double whammy on me by making me feel at fault by my "unloving perceived thoughts" ...an unloving snob.   Which I wasn't but he would use that to make me "back off in self evaluation and self doubt".   

      There is something here also. My husband made statements like this, "I'm not just a very good person to have a relationship with", or "I've always known something was wrong with me". But, it would end THERE. He wouldn't allow himself to be vulnerable ENOUGH, to let anyone else IN, to share in his LIFE. But, no one can have an intimate relationship, if you DON'T LET THE OTHER PERSON IN. He robbed me and himself of a close, marital relationship from fear of saying WHO he was, and what he was afraid of. No one can "pretend" an intimate relationship, without something breaking down after a while. He also chose to let me think worse of MYSELF, instead of telling me the truth about HIMSELF. How can someone who says they love you, allow that to go on? THAT'S MANIPULATION, and THAT'S WRONG. And, it hurts BOTH people in the long run.

                                                                                     

t Thank You Thank You Thank YOU

This and these conversations are invaluable.  I do love that girl but I'm rethinking the pursuit.  Bless you!  

One thing I've learned about your comment here dede....

(Now, that he says he "wants" to do better, and spend time together, and I don't believe him.  I feel bad for SAYING that, but I've lived this too many times to count, and I have to trust what the past behavior has shown me. He may mean well, but things change very fast with him, along with the excuses or justifications.)

When a person is "doing better" they will be "doing better" with you or without you....

C

C, thank you for this

Thank you for pointing this out. You're correct. He should be doing better on his own, and getting his life together. I don't think he can by himself, and that's why he creates almost an alternate universe for himself, unless he's cornered and almost "forced" to admit different. But, this isn't the way to GET someone to willingly admit they need help. But, when he has it "good", and things are peaceful and going well, he really won't admit anything then.  He then turns this into a "See how good I"m doing now", type of thing, with the focus on himself,  instead of thanking someone else for helping him. But, I will no longer be his enabler to cover up his messes.  I've come a long way with this one, and I'm proud of myself on that. 

     I know I've said I need to go back to the house for a while to get all our papers in order because I don't know where ANYTHING is. And, this is FOR ME. I need to know where everything is, The house is trashed, and nothing is in any working order. Even if we divorce now, I'd still have to do some of this. I should have already, but I've been without a car for several months now, and it has SEVERELY put a strain on my life.

     I was in a hit and run accident 7 months ago, where an elderly man hit my car, totaled it, and left the scene. The car was old, and high mileage but ran WELL, and I can't get a new one yet. My husband had taken out a loan against the car since it had been paid off years ago, and there's still 3 grand left on it to pay. arrrrgh, so now now car and no insurance money, nothing.  Need to straighten this out as well, by getting our finances in some working order. My name is on several things that I have to get it OFF of as well, and such.  Do you guys have any thoughts on this? just interested to know. 

    Plus, the daughter and son in law I'm living with are moving to another state in a few weeks. It's going to take me moving somewhere, so I believe I need to know where I stand legally and financially at home before anything else, because I NEED to find out what kind of financial messes he's put BOTH of us in.

     

 

     

I'm so sorry you are in this situation...

You seem to be well aware of what has put you in this situation. It is so very difficult for some minds to SEE the big picture of life. Thus they think every thing is about them...They live like they should have everything they want...They should be able to go any where, and do anything they want...But what they fail to "SEE" is the price someone else has to pay for their irresponsibility.

Dede try to not worry, trust our Lord, and take one day at time:) He is always with us! I will help you pray about your situation.

We must be able to step back, and learn that we can't trust our emotions....We must SEE, life as it really is....And I truly believe that you are there...We never give up praying for our spouses, but, it is up to them to SEE, and make the changes in their own lives...Be it values, or faulty priorities, or just the blindness that is produced by Selfishness...Just as we must SEE ourselves in every way....

There is no excuse for adults (esp. who has lived as long as we have) to continue making financial mistakes (abuse) because of selfishness...There is just to many good examples that we can SEE in this life, friends, family and others that we can learn from, if we want to...But adults with a selfish Victim mentality don't want to do right in my experiences...They don't want to SEE, and will fight conviction (that is scary) that speaks into their lives about responsible living....Many will die wallowing in self pity thinking they are owed something!  It's very very sad....

All I can do is keep my heart and mind set on Jesus, Live by faith, and make sure it's not me.....  

Peace be with you!

C

C, victim mentality and convictions

".But adults with a selfish Victim mentality don't want to do right in my experiences...They don't want to SEE, and will fight conviction (that is scary) that speaks into their lives about responsible living....Many will die wallowing in self pity thinking they are owed something!  It's very very sad...."

     This is a particularly good statement C. And something that has scared me about living with my husband, is that he does have a "victim mentality" and fights convictions, even when he knows they are wrong. And, yes, that is scary, because God doesn't honor a husband or wife in rebellion against Him and/or their spouse. I've witnessed this first hand. And, when I've been in rebellion, myself, I've also paid the price. 

     He also still tends to wallow in self pity, saying, "If only my father would have sent me to Harvard".(yes he does have a genius IQ, and his father wouldn't send him to an expensive school, he had to pay his own way)...."If only your parents would have set me up in business" (which they did say, but he knew nothing about business) "If only my teachers would have told me I have a gift in math and TOLD me I was a genius, things would have turned out different". "If only I wouldn't have gone into teaching instead of staying in engineering, my life would be better, but no one TOLD ME".  "If only, if only, if only". A victim's mentality, and nothing about his own bad choices, that he continues to make. 

    It IS sad to hear this kind of talk, instead of hearing him talk positively, especially about his job. (example)  "What can I DO to encourage the college kids to join my program, and INSPIRE THEM to do better, and to work with me"? or "How can I inspire my wife to take a chance on me, and even if she doesn't, I'm going to raise the awareness level IN my life?

    There just aren't those positive statements, even now. But, yet at the SAME TIME, I've heard him on the phone talking with others giving THEM advice in very positive ways, as if he is an expert, and does these things. It's like he's TWO PEOPLE. (or three) Strange to be sure. The BIGGEST of these things is this: He would NEVER, EVER consider himself to be selfish in any way. He sees himself as one of the most generous people he knows. But, he's basing these actions on comparisons to what his PARENTS did and didn't do, (he won't admit that either) but, not on what WE are expected to do as Believers, and as LOVING husbands and wives, fathers, friends, etc. HIs distortion of what relationship "give and take" seems to be WAY OFF, and the only person that's been challenging that with him is ME. I'm NO EXPERT BY NO MEANS, and I don't ever mean to imply that, but I DO KNOW WHAT TRUE LOVE IS. I know HOW to love, how to GIVE love, and how to SHARE my life with other people. I didn't always know this, but it was something I wanted and LEARNED, and practiced doing. It gets easier. Anyway, thanks for responding, and for your prayers.

P.s. Good news, my daughter and son - in- law that are moving to another state are doing so, because he got moved up in his company. This means a significant salary raise, and decent benefits. Also, the new place where they are moving TO, is just gorgeous, so I'm very happy about that. (It also has another bedroom/bath for me as well....LOL) .  

   

     

 

Dede...

(There just aren't those positive statements, even now. But, yet at the SAME TIME, I've heard him on the phone talking with others giving THEM advice in very positive ways, as if he is an expert, and does these things. It's like he's TWO PEOPLE. (or three) Strange to be sure. The BIGGEST of these things is this: He would NEVER, EVER consider himself to be selfish in any way. He sees himself as one of the most generous people he knows. But, he's basing these actions on comparisons to what his PARENTS did and didn't do, (he won't admit that either) but, not on what WE are expected to do as Believers, and as LOVING husbands and wives, fathers, friends, etc. HIs distortion of what relationship "give and take" seems to be WAY OFF, and the only person that's been challenging that with him is ME. I'm NO EXPERT BY NO MEANS, and I don't ever mean to imply that, but I DO KNOW WHAT TRUE LOVE IS. I know HOW to love, how to GIVE love, and how to SHARE my life with other people. I didn't always know this, but it was something I wanted and LEARNED, and practiced doing. It gets easier.)

Same here this whole statement...She thinks she is, and is very loving and giving in many ways outside the marriage...She will bend over backwards in loving the grand kids, and our adult children...(But she will pout like a child if things aren't just her way..this is a sign) When she remembers she gives offerings and tithes and sends money to missionaries...My wife is a thoughtful person in many ways "outside the marriage"...I don't understand it at all...I asked her recently if she was offended by my life style and she said yes...She gets angry and mad if I want wait on her...(She loves to point out her good deeds, measuring herself..another sign) If I want allow her to put words in my mouth, and If I want hop up and go anywhere she wants to go at the drop of a hat (out of town family etc..) so she can satisfy her desires...Then she is a victim...All about her...I'm not suppose to have a say and if I do voice my opinion she is most never in agreement...She most always find a reason to disagree.....

She has even came home from trips where she traveled to be with her side of the family, and just walk in and spout out very derogatory statements about her own children because she couldn't force (control them) them to do what she wanted, and because she wasn't the center of attention...When I called her own it...instead of owning it, repenting about it...She begs me to never mention it again, like it's just going to go away...What we don't confront will continue to happen!...

I think it's almost like...Oh well, I can't fool the spouse....But I can continue to fool everyone else....So why try at home? When your spouse is chronically unable or unwilling to do the work required to even have a relationship, the simple and wonderful things that two being one is all about, without complaining and being a victim something is wrong....I spent way to many wasted years worry and complaining (to a closed mind of denial) about it...Instead of praying about it, and accepting the limitations and moving on w/o my own pity party....I hate it...But, it is just the way it is...

The less I try to fix it, and the more I accept it and move on, the more aware she becomes....When a person lives in a victim mind...They feed off the chaos and conflict...As long as there is conflict, they are getting their way!...When you SEE this life style and have no input and just walk away happily living your own life they can't stand it...That crushes there control, and there being enabled....It's painful growth!

C