Question about letting go

I have a question about letting go.  I am new here, and I have not read any books or anything yet.

I keep hearing about not trying to be logical in a completely illogical situation.... just not to engage in the debate.

I do feel like I have done this in the past, not as a tool, but because I really believed him when it was turned around on me.... but it did still happen.  I thought everything was my fault.

He really did become delusional about a lot of things I feel because of this..... and he has even used this word when apologizing about the past (after reaching a boiling over point, plus affair)

I really feel like I need to defend my point of view to avoid him believing his irrational thoughts.  I mean at some points he blames the children and includes them with me as having emotional problems when he cant handle things.  And 'doesn't want to put up with that crap'  Storms off, or out of the house.

I mean after his affair, he even believed I had given him the okay at some point that we were in an open relationship!  To try to justify it.  I was like okay so then why were you sneaking around lying, if we were in an open relationship..... you wouldnt need to.... thats the point!  and why were you accusing me of cheating the whole time?  He just couldnt even wrap his head around it he believed it so much.  

So is the common thought that he just knows right and wrong deep down and to leave it at that?  Or just that defending myself just leads to an even bigger illogical story in his head?  I don't know, but I have a have a hard time not defending myself or my kids.

Self confirmation

Hello.  The brain is an amazing thing.  It's recommended that we don't engage because when they are acting irrational you can not rationalize with them.  You can not argue with a symptom.  But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't know reality.  It just means you have to readdress the issue when their brain is in the right place.  I usually schedule a meeting to discuss issues, that way you can have a clear idea of what you want to go over and pick a time when he is best managed.  Ie, has taken medication, isn't tired, nor hungry.

Also, everyone will reformat reality to suit their internal view of themselves, subconsciously, truly believing their new version of the truth.  This is called confirmation bias.  People with a positive sense of self mutate info to be consistent with their idea of themself as a good person.  People with poor self image will re-image info to confirm they are worthless or inept.  The book, not ADHD specific, Mistakes were Made... But Not By Me is really good at showing this.

The problem is that the person really believes it to be true.  It's essentially a delusion and you have to be patient with going over reality.  And be confident in what you know.  The fact of the matter is, that people can function just fine without being right.  And letting go sometimes mean letting another keep their delusions.  Perhaps not when it comes to the fidelity question.  Then you make it clear that you are not ok with infidelity.  Not now, not before, and not in the future. 

Unfortunately their doesn't seem to be a way to keep us all from reordering information to suit ourselves.  I guess the idea is to be mindful, and ADHD people aren't so good at that.  So the ADHD person probably needs to make even more effort to slow their brains down and do a reality check.  Like does it really make sense that my wife would be ok with infidelity.  That is something that is really hard for an ADHD person to do, but not impossible.

Good luck.

ADD or not

"Life is short.  Why waste one precious moment on someone who doesn’t deserve it?

Stay away from people who:

  • are negative.  Their bad attitude will just bring you down.  Even the most optimistic person will lose all happiness in the wrong company.
  • don’t make time for you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make you a priority.
  • don’t realize your worth.  You bring value to each and every relationship.  Don’t let anyone take that for granted – or fail to appreciate it.
  • tend to abandon you during difficult times.  A real friend will stand by you in the good times and bad.
  • have affairs and then pretend not be at fault or blame it on you (my own addition to this list)

Don’t ever lower your standards to accommodate someone who refuses to raise theirs.  Surround yourself with people who are worthy of your company, brighten your day, and support you through thick and thin."

I have been piling on the positive quotes like this every day hoping that I will change my mode of thinking from anger/frustration into strength and beauty.  

so tough

Wow, I feel like you are writing about my (former) life. I left my STBX spouse with ADHD in December. I still need to deal with him as we sift through financial stuff, visitation and other issues. I was with him for over 15 years. I have never in my life worked or spoken with someone who can be so irrational or, as a friend put it, "You start off talking to him, and a few minutes later, he's twisted everything around so much that you don't even remember what you were trying to talk to him about." 

I think my STBX has developed such extreme strategies to deal with his own issues, many of which are caused by ADHD, that he can twist, justify, misremember, and debate away just about anything. I think his brain somehow remembers things differently to make himself feel better or something, and I think he honestly believes things he says. I have never seen anything like it. And when I used to ask about it or call him on it, same thing: storming off, anger, more debating, until I just gave up. 

I think there is a form of mental illness or something like it going on, which may or may not be related to coping with the ADHD (he wasn't diagnosed until he was an adult). I think there is some serious denial or coping strategies. I used to be devastated that I was married to someone who would literally say or do almost anything to make his behavior, actions, or words ok, including blame everything on me. For a long time I thought he was just being mean, or hated me deep down. It was tough not to defend myself. And then I tried to address it honestly, and call him on it, and he would lose. his. mind. Nothing ever worked for me in this situation, and it was hard to reconcile being with someone who would not, on any level, deal with reality. I think mine must be on the far end of some kind of "denial" spectrum. He is a smart guy who can be really intuitive. It was so painful. I hope that everything works out for you. I couldn't take having to just hope, deep down, that he knew right from wrong (lots of other stuff going on, too). 

Could you try to seek counseling at least for yourself? At least for some way of sorting this out and dealing with it? It would have done me a lot of good early on to understand that it wasn't me, that I could have pleaded and argued and laid out a completely logical argument until I was blue in the face, and it would not have changed him, because he didn't want to change himself. Just know that someone out here feels for you. Best to you. 

 

Reasoning

Both of you are hitting a nail on the head that I have not been able to wrap my mind around.  There may be something else going on with the reasoning/perspective part of the brain that makes no sense whatsoever.  I have often said in my head "When we married, I joined a team and he declared war."  That doesn't make sense.  Why would you join a team/marriage/commitment/partnership and then use your energy and time to work against it from within to sabotage it?  Maybe he isn't doing it on purpose but he IS doing it. Trying to break this without being responsible for the break?

no sense

I just asked dh what his plan if for next month financially?  Last month he took half of all his retirement savings (very small) out to pay some of his business overdue bills.  His response is to angrily call me OCD.  That I have a problem and that I can't "let it go".  .......(and I guess pay for everything that he can't).  The accusations and fighting against me is the crazy-making thing.  His response to my mentioning his problems is to blame my attitude.

Misery

That is just terrible.  I really feel for you.  My husband used to be really touchy whenever I asked him what his plan for getting the house done was, or really whenever I asked something about an issue he was stressed about.  They want us to just bury our heads in the sand and trust they will figure it out in time.  Of course, the not now aspect of ADHD means that it doesn't get figured out in a timely fashion.  All fine and good when it's minor or doesn't impact you, but finances don't apply.  It just isn't ok to be so defensive and react so poorly.  You have every right to know and be treated with respect.  I wish I could offer a solution.  Best wishes.

Feel for you

Jennalemon, I do feel for you. I know how it feels! I honestly don't think mine does it on purpose, as in, I don't think he decides consciously  to lie or be defensive or debate everything or blame it on me and I think he perceives reality very differently than I do. I have heard frequently that it is all me, my attitude, as well. I think there is something very wrong going on there. I admit to my share of getting frustrated in the past and I know it didn't help. But I truly think that without significant work or therapy or the like, mine will never be different-- he has gotten worse through the years. I let him gaslight me there for a long time, or I stuffed the hurt down or tried to ignore or make light of it. Now that I have left I am relieved that I don't have to deal with it the same way (although trying to settle our affairs has been excruciating). But having stepped back, I see how "off" he is with almost everything. 

My best to you. Hugs.