First let me say I love this forum. It has saved me the last few months of wanting to walk out of my marriage. I have felt no so alone and understood for the first time. I am the Non ADHD Spouse and married almost 3 years to my recently diagnosed ADHD Husband. The last month I have waived the white flag and decided I needed to accept the reality of my marriage and my relationship. Since I have made the shift of giving my husband the benefit of the doubt, grace, mercy and love he has worked harder than I have seen on his symptoms. My question has to do around being a female and the lack of sex, desire in our relationship. My husband is a funny guy and loves joking around making sexual comments. Usually about what he would like done to him. I have pointed out over and over I need to hear stuff to ya know. He tries and has been successful. He knows we have different sexual requirements. I am more of a 3 times a week gal at 46 years old. I also eat well, workout and dont have ADHD. He on the other hand has a hard time motivating past anything other than work and school. (He went back to finish his degree). I need to emphasize once again we have open communication on all things ADHD. So much so that I have to pull back from educating him on all I have learned. I have heard more times in the last month from him acceptance of his ADHD and what he is working on to be a better husband. This has given me so much hope. With that said he has a timer on his phone for a Sex check in with me. He only needs sex once a week so for him this is his way of checking in on me. He is 70% consistent here. The problem is as a female I feel pathetic. He lavishes me with compliments on how hot I am, how in shape , blah blah blah. That is all great but when it comes down to it, then why isnt he coming onto me more? I have had the hardest time with this for two reasons. 1- I have always been the one to push off sex in my previous marriage and relationships. This is the first time I feel like I am chasing to be desired, wanted and have him come onto me. 2- I feel so rejected and suffer from PTSD due to Narcassistic Trauma Abuse /Neglect. My husband triggers me more times a day in these areas than I can count. If it wasnt for my relationship with God and doing marriage his way I wouldnt be here due to the extreme neglect I feel constantly.
The catch on all of this is I am highly discerning. So much so that I can see my husbands struggle internally daily. This helps me give him grace but it also stumps me when I see him "Fake it until he makes it " with sex. I should say that I have been a drippy faucet nag for almost 2 years. Not until this last month have I changed the cycle. My husband seems to always be tired, doesnt excercise or eat well so it all backfires with his ADHD. Although he is medicated we need to tweak the meds it seems. I should also say he hates planning anything. He is working on his symptoms and I have told him we should plan sex nights. He says yes and then the time comes and he feels all this pressure and I cave and say never mind and have a pity party for myself. Honestly I have spent most of my life ensuring I am psychically fit and look good. This has been the first time I have so desired to be more beautiful on the inside. My husband's biggest complaint is that he is never enough for me. He asks me every 2 hours if i am mad at him, am I ok, telling me what he accomplished etc. He has extreme PTSD from me being so unhappy, critical and a nag. I know it will take time for him to see me differently. It is so hard for me to not be affected by his lack of attention towards me at all. I am in a desperate search for my autonomy and independence. It is hard as I have my own issues that I have brought in the marriage. I feel like walking away from tantrums, not analyzing our marriage at every corner or defending myself is laziness but it seems to be working. How do I stop feeling so neglected as a female wanting sex from her husband? I need a mindset change as his drive is just different than mine. I am not sure I even want the sex as much as I just want to feel close to him. I should say he has been practicing lingering with me longer. He will come over and give me a kiss and gaze into my eyes for a few seconds and say I love you. This is so sweet and what I am looking for but isnt authentic. I can tell its uncomfortable for him. I can tell he is doing something that doesnt come natural and I shouldnt take personal but do.
How do I look at the sex differently? How do I plan it when he doesnt want to plan? The planning of anything is too much pressure for him. I guess I am still trying to accept it. I am committed to my marriage doing it Gods way. I am committed to God first than my marriage. I couldnt do it the other way any longer. That was the shift I have made however my mindset is still stuck.