Question for Melissa

First I want to say thank you for all the advice and support you have given.  I'm not Christian (I'm Buddhist), but I must say you are an angel and have made me see things differently.  I now realize (and the Dalai Lama's teachings help) that I CANNOT change someone else's behavior, I can ONLY change the way that I respond to the behavior.  So thank you.

My question is: from reading your posts, at one point you were as miserable as I am and in the same failing marriage.  How did you urge/convince your husband to look in the mirror and start making a change??  What made him finally "see the light" that his behavior was affecting the marriage??  I know my anger and behavior certainly aren't right and I'm working VERY VERY hard to change my responses, but how did your husband finally realize it was time for him to get help and make a change? 

I'm just looking for some hope, a small sliver of hope is all.  Maybe your husband could respond?

The Dalai Lama has a saying which I read daily:

"We need to be prudent and skillful in our endeavors to transform our habits and dispositions.  We also need to be realistic about what we can expect to achieve.  It took us a long time to become the way we are and habits are not changed overnight"

I am not Melissa, and

I am not Melissa, and certainly don't have her knowledge and experience to draw from here...but I just wanted to say that I'm glad that you're finally accepting that the only person you're in control of is yourself. Acceptance of this is literally where YOU start to rebuild yourself. I am also a firm believer that changing YOURSELF is the only option sometimes..if the ADDer is refusing help, refusing to admit fault, and subsequently stonewalling any progress in the marriage. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM..NOT THROUGH NAGGING, BEGGING, PLEADING, CRYING, SCREAMING, YELLING. You can only change yourself..and the hope is that through your own genuine change something is reborn in them that makes them WANT to change, that will bring about that hyperfocus that we all loved so much during courtship, and will open their minds and hearts to getting the help they need.

Either you change, he changes, or you change together. Right now it seems the only realistic option is you changing yourself...so that's where you should start.

My husband went off the deep end, started an affair (which I didn't know about, but his horrible behavior led me to ask him to leave) , and we both drug our marriage through more mud than you can imagine..before we finally, together, said ENOUGH and became dedicated to putting things back together. I thank God everyday for this...because I am not sure if he hadn't shown willingness to change that we'd have ever made it. I was determined to leave the angry, bitter nag behind and be something better...with or without him. It was a promise I made to my father on his death bed..that I'd be happy and make better choices for myself...and I have every intention of keeping that promise...with or without him. God willing WITH him.