Question to non-ADDers who have been married long term...20+ years..and anyone w/ADD who might have some input..

I keep seeing a theme...that the ADDers aren't capable of change...and it really makes me sad, regardless of circumstances, that this is something people truly feel. I think people are equally capable and incapable of change, across the board, and ADD plays a small role in it..maybe.

I went for years and years being domineering and bossy and thinking I was better than my husband and treating him like a child. You can say 'well, his ADD made him an asshole, so you were justified' but that is NOT TRUE and I refused to change as well. I am profoundly a different person today than I was even this time last year. I cannot blame MY BEHAVIOR on my husband, and just the same he cannot take any credit for me changing....and vice versa.

My thing is...I spent 6 years (of a 12 year marriage) living with his untreated ADD (wasn't diagnosed until June of this year) and no matter who was to blame it was HELL. I had gotten to the point that I couldn't even manage to cry over anything pertaining to my marriage anymore. I almost felt nothing. SO, I decided things would change. I am a firm believer that change, the most profound and real change, happens because of crisis or hitting 'rock bottom' so to speak, but I DO believe change is possible. Had I not kicked him out and decided to make myself happy, I would still possibly be living that life and he would still be chugging along as an untreated ADD a$$hole. (yes, very kind intentions, but zero follow through ability) Now his kind intentions are forefront...and getting better and better each day. If you live this life for 15 years, 20 years then what motivates them to change? The one thing I know for sure, my husband's idea of 'misery' in our marriage was nothing like mine...he hates for me to even say that I was miserable...even though I KNOW he was too, he has an amazing ability to live in denial as long as I he doesn't have to worry about me leaving him...or so things went for SOOOO many years. The one thing that would push the man over the edge of reason and bring out the absolute nasty side of him was for me to tell him I wanted a divorce. When I finally made him leave, he realized he was either going to change or never have his family back. It was 'motivation' for him...and NOTHING else had worked up until then.

Why do you feel so sure they're incapable of change? Have you ever done anything to 'motivate' them to change? Have they ever risked losing everything, been forced to step outside of their comfort zones, and forced to muster the courage to finally deal with life? I know it took me losing my father, which nearly destroyed me, to decide enough was I feel if I can change, why would I insist that anyone else not be capable?

For the ADDers..I'd like to hear from those of you who feel you have 'changed' (owned up to the ADD affects of your marriage) and how your mindset differs now vs. then.