Seeking help, because I'm questioning my sanity and reality. Non-adhd spouse. Very soon to be ex-spouse. After 3 years, last month I put a firm boundary in place and have stayed true to it this time. After years of being yelled at, sworn at, public scenes, this has come to an end for me.
My spouse has taken this news from one extreme to the other. From literally rolling around on the floor sobbing (zero coping mechanisms) to sarcasm and continued criticism.
The last few days he has been aggressive, sarcastic, calling me a gaslighter, a manipulator, and telling me that I am being toxic and taking his words and using them against him. I have tried to stay calm, compassionate, and kind. I have stated that the boundary is for my health and sanity. That I care about him and love him and am not asking him to change. I have apologized for ways that I hurt him over the years and taken ownership of my failings and difficulties. But I am in a non-stop barrage. I had to tell him to leave (he is not staying with me but has access for a few more days) several times because he was speaking critically and I wasn't going to engage. Another sarcastic text yesterday. And then calls today and is dismayed and confrontational when I am not warm and pleasant. That was followed by a text that I was manipulating him with toxic behavior.
In all of that, my question: Is this type of behavior what anyone else is experiencing?? It feels like madness. He makes a choice and if I don't respond how he envisioned or hoped, the entire narrative is shifted. I am struggling not to lose sight of myself and reality. Seriously, I'm losing perspective. Does this happen to anyone else?
Sanity intact
Submitted by felicity on
No help on similar behaviour but I just wanted to say you sound completely sane to me, and doing amazingly. Stay strong and remember the only way out is through. Good luck.
Thank you.
Submitted by M. on
Thank you.
Your husband is losing his
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Your husband is losing his support system (i.e. you) and now his emotional dysregulation (see Barkley) is on full display. Whatever the emotion expressed it presents ten times stronger (or more extreme) from a ADHDer. 'Madness' is a fair description. He is trying to manipulate you. Your world will seem radically more subdued after your divorce. Getting through it will be trying but you will survive (scars notwithstanding.) God bless you.
Gaslighting
Submitted by Sometimes Hopeful on
Funny that yours is telling you that you are gaslighting, my wife says that too. It's like they are projecting, because often in anger outbursts they tend to make up history as they go along at least in mmy case.
I have found through much
Submitted by M. on
I have found through much reading about ADHD, and learning from others, that the changing of the narrative to fit whatever is in their mind is a classic symptom. And when that thing is beaten into the ground, there will be something else. And something else after that. Many times the story is very far from what actually happened, or a projection of what they have concocted in their heads.
In my case, this has elevated to the point of relaying memories of an experience or incident between us that is so vastly different from what actually happened, that on several recent occasions I said that we are living in two completely different realities. Unfortunately, this starts to make me question my OWN reality.
The "gaslighting" and "manipulation" bombs thrown my way are so far off base. He says that he is "researching" and clearly these are things I do over and over again. The ADHD rabbit hole....
For example: In a fit of anger he took me off Find My and blocked me from his social media. When he asked to be on social media with me again and I said no, I'm more comfortable this way, he threw a fit. Said that I was punishing him by not accepting his request. I wasn't the one who made that choice. We got there because of his choice and I agreed it is best. So, blamed me for something he did/caused. Saying I am punishing him, but he was actually the punisher. Now that is gaslighting.
It's round and round and round with exactly this. Yet, I'm the manipulator and gaslighter.
I have been hopeful for 3 years, and now I am protecting myself. But it really does mess with our minds.
thank you for your response.
Trying to stay sane through the end of this relationship.
I hear you
Submitted by shoelover on
I don't know what to say except I hear you. Do what's best for you. Try to stay whole. .
This is emotional abuse
Submitted by Megs27 on
I'm going to take this in a different direction. I 100% believe that ADHD is real and can cause a lot of issues for individuals and in marriage, but I also believe that there are a lot of folks who either don't have ADHD and claim it as a way to get away with things, or do have it but take zero accountability and ultimately it becomes an excuse to be abusive to people close to them.
What you described above is emotional abuse, and the confusion you are feeling is a classic symptom of someone who has been chronically emotionally abused. It doesn't matter if he has ADHD. This is abuse.
I am divorcing someone who treats me very similarly and I have found the site below to be immensely helpful in my healing journey. There is also a podcast - https://www.flyingfreenow.com/sign-of-emotionally-abusive-relationship/.
Thank you
Submitted by M. on
Thank you for your response, the resource, and the validation. I agree with you. It is emotional abuse. It has been hard for me to say that out loud. But it is true.
It took awhile of questioning my sanity, but for the last few weeks I have seen the light and am accepting it more and more for what it was. And I say "was" because I have officially ended that marriage. I am on guard, and taking steps to stay safe. Even in this forum I am afraid he will discover me. That should have been enough of a red flag.
Thank you again. Stay safe yourself.
Radical acceptance is the first step
Submitted by Megs27 on
Then grief, then healing. The acceptance step took me about 2 years. The grief about 4 months, and now I'm starting to heal.
There is a subscription program in Flying Free that has been immensely helpful for me. It has tons of classes on breaking the abuse cycle, healing your relationship with yourself, setting boundaries, cognitive behavioral therapy modeling, and how to navigate the divorce process. Weekly coaching is also included and there is a private forum like this but only with women recovering from emotionally abusive marriages. They screen everyone who applies for the program to make sure they are who they say they are and keep it a safe space. It's been an incredibly valuable resource for me and worth every penny of the $29 a month. I get more out of this program than therapy.
I also recommend 'The Lifesaving Divorce', and 'Women Who Love Too Much'.
Take care. You are making the right choice for yourself but it will get harder before it gets better.
Hi, M...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The other posters are correct that what you describe is both emotional abuse and gaslighting, and I am sorry that you have gone through this. It is terrific, though, that you have put healthy boundaries in place that align with who you are, and are living by those boundaries.
The unregulated behavior you are experiencing is part of the physiology of ADHD. It also sounds manipulative. When moved to a 'new' place, many people will try to push a relationship back to the 'status quo' because even if it was toxic, that feels more 'comfortable.' Good for you for not succumbing to that pressure.
My observation is that once people truly engage with the question of whether or not they should stay in a relationship they either identify enough positives that it reassures them that they are making the right choice (at least for the moment) or that they really do need to leave, as in your case. Either way, taking that hard look at reality is a must.
Hang in there.
I wonder
Submitted by T00T00 on
I wonder if your husband ever tested or get diagnosed for other illnesses (depression, dementia, etc.) that affect memory loss.
This can be typical
Submitted by Exhausting on
Hi, this is a typical reaction from my experience. If you are not with them, you are against them. You are not allowed to have freedom of thought as they can't cope if it doesn't agree with their normal. If they feel overwhelmed, it becomes like they are having a panic attack. Everything seems insurmountable and things quickly spiral out of perspective, and they spiral downwards into doom and gloom. You will always be the cause, the reason, the one to be blamed for their inability to stay rational, or for when things haven't gone the way their grand plans were meant to. I'm sorry if that sounds uncaring, but the blame will always be shifted to the closest person in their lives - usually their other half. ADHD brings feelings of failure and so they avoid that feeling wherever they can. I need this forum to download as it is cathartic so don't feel bad for asking for help .. I have done so here many times. We are all here to support one another so please know you are not crazy and you don't sound like you are losing perspective at all. Stay kind to yourself.
Appreciate this perspective,
Submitted by M. on
Appreciate this perspective, and it does not at all seem uncaring. I am sorry you are living with it, because this is no joke and it can be so cruel to endure.
I came across some journal entries from a year ago and found that I was having the same fear then, dealing with the same issue of not knowing which version of him I would get when he walked through the door.
I very often said that he didn't treat other people this way, so why me? Your point about them putting it all on the person closest rings true.
I am now a few weeks completely removed from that relationship, but I find that now and then I still feel a moment of anxiety when out doing something, it'll be like a wave that washes over me that I need to check in with him. And of course I don't anymore, and what that tells me is the pressure that I was living with was THAT pervasive that I am still shaking it off.
Now and then I can still feel myself slip into the question of whether or not I was doing terrible things to warrant his behavior. That's the "mind fuck" of it all.
He even topped it all off by trolling around to find contact info and emailing a long-ago partner of mine saying he was so confused and wanting insight into me. He wasn't confused, as he had been making a spectacle of the fact that we were ending, and this ex-partner was someone he HATED and brought up routinely throughout the duration of our relationship. Another form of manipulation. Yet I was the one accused of manipulation.
It's a pretty awful situation for anyone to have to live with. I send you enormous support and peace.
Journals are a great idea
Submitted by Exhausting on
I too found some notes I had made YEARS ago where I was dealing with the same issues that I am today - the same frustrations, the same emotional rollercoaster, the self-questioning and the crazy-making behaviour. It is an unending cycle and there seems to be little relief unless you make a commitment to yourself and your mental health that something needs to give. I am getting there, although at a snail's pace. In my household the Vesuvius of emotion is normally followed by the calm in the storm until the tsunami engulfs you once again.
A book a friend referred me
Submitted by M. on
A book a friend referred me to helped me a lot. I'm not a church-going individual, and this book is faith-based, but if that doesn't bother you it was extremely helpful to me. It's called Good Boundaries and Good Byes. I listened first to the audio book and then got the kindle so I could highlight. It even provided sample scripts to help when talking. It's all about setting up and sticking to boundaries. Until that book, I never set a boundary that I kept. One of my greatest weaknesses. Between me reaching the point where I knew for the 100th time, no more, and this book, I found my voice and my strength and I am not sure I could have done it without that book and without my therapist, honestly. My therapist simply gave the advice to tie my decision or boundaries to what value/morals I have, and what type of person I wanted to be. My whole soul knew I wanted to be a person with self-respect who wouldn't let someone treat me that way, and be a person who's teenage boys wouldn't be horrified to learn that their mother was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Everyone's values/morals are different, and I know there are millions of people out there able to let these behaviors roll off their backs. But for me, my health was sacrificed along with my sanity and peace.
Be safe. I really relate to the Vesuvius comment you made, and the tsunami. Do what you need to survive. I get that, too. Also, consider getting in the lifeboat that will sail you away from that tsunami. Nobody should go down with the ship.
Here for you.