Hi everyone, my first post so some background.
I've been married 12 years. Years ago my wife mentioned she had a previous ADD diagnosis. Actually at the time I found Melissa's book and read the first chapter online. Even found this website but didn't go any further. At the time my wife got mad I was researching ADD and told me "It's my issue". I didn't see how I could change her mind so I just dealt with it.
Fast forward to now, and she just decided to go get a current diagnosis. She's started on medication and it's only been a couple weeks so it's hard to say what the long term effect will be. She's always been a pretty high-functioning ADHD spouse, she's been able to keep jobs, she is a doting mother, but for a decade now I've been the one in charge of the finances, I'm in charge of all the household repairs and chores, I keep the cats alive, she makes messes and I pick them up, she gets to have hobbies and I do chores, on and on you've probably all heard this before. We've found a stable way to coexist, but our relationship was clearly getting worse. We got smartphones a few years ago, and she racked up points in a game until she was literally world class. Meanwhile I ask for her to talk to me about her day or ask me about mine and she can't be bothered. Sex was better a few years ago but going the wrong direction. Now it's basically non-existent.
Her doc (not sure of the qualifications, she won't talk about it yet, ADHD shame kicking in) suggested "Hey read this book by Melissa Orlov, it's great for both spouses." I read it and I was literally shaking with rage. Before the current diagnosis I was already wondering why stay with someone who doesn't want to have sex and just makes life harder? Now I read the book her doctor suggested and it's the same one I got yelled at for reading years ago. But that's not what makes me so angry. I get the fact that I only get to control myself, not my partner. I get that I'm supposed to have empathy for how much shame an ADHD person has felt throughout their life. I get that it's normal to grieve what could have been and what opportunity was lost. I just don't care. The book reminded me of all the unfairness of a decade of needless anger, angst, and repressed feelings. I can tell I'm holding on to these feelings because I'm kind of looking for a reason to quit - the thought of decluttering, just having some time with my kids (even part time) without my wife, to start some hobbies, to have a household that doesn't spontaneously get messy no matter how hard I try... I feel screwed because I figure I can do better.
I'm new to this, in one way, and worn with failed attempts, in another way. My wife has legitimately tried to address her ADHD with medication, and she's got various other treatments lined up as well. Somehow the diagnosis just makes me think why bother? I can't even remember the friend I married years ago. I can see glimpses beyond my anger, but then it rises up again at some trivial issue and I'm blinded again.
I'm asking for advice on what to do next? I don't even know if I want to be with the person I married. She's smart, she's funny, our personalities fit like a glove at first, but sure enough the courtship went sour about 1 year in. Now I just see a person that makes my life harder.