RANT!!! (warning: this is NOT positive...)

On Sunday afternoon, after yet another LONG weekend of bearing up under the strain of my husband's anger, b*tchiness and contempt, I wearily told him that I believe it is time that we separate.  SUDDENLY he is off the proverbial couch and running around like a mad hatter trying to do EVERYTHING HE HAS NOT DONE FOR YEARS in 24 hours. To wit:  

(1) Thanked me for a small kindness.  He rarely thanks me for anything.  He doesn't NOTICE anything.    (2) Got all of the kids ready for a morning appointment.  (3) He is at the hardware store at this very moment, buying light bulbs for over the dining table; they have been burned out for 9 MONTHS.   (4) Called me at work to see how my day was going.  He has done this exactly 4 times in 12 years, today being number 4.  (5)  Asked me if I needed him to pick up anything while he was out- WHAT???? (6) Made an appointment to take my car in for service.  He usually just waits until whatever is in need of maintenance actually breaks.  (7) Said, "Hello, how was your day?" when I returned from work.  He NEVER greets me when I get home from work.  He doesn't even come to the living room to make sure its actually ME who is coming into the house. (8) Stopped to say "Good-bye" to my face when he left for work this morning; he usually just says, "Gotta go," as he walks by me without stopping or looking at me.  (9) Asked me how the children's appointment went; usually does not even remember that they had an appointment, and certainly rarely asks me about it. (10) Looked for a Christmas gift online for our daughter.  He has chosen and bought her exactly 2 Christmas gifts in 12 years (she does not know that, of course). (11) Offered to make me a sandwich. He only get me something to eat on my birthdays, then he will pick up Chinese take out. (12) Took out the kitchen trash; well... he took it to the mud room.  Didn't quite make it to the bin in the garage.  

I could go on, but I won't.  My anger is boiling within me at a fever pitch at this very moment just typing this.  It started last night.  I actually got so angry I got light-headed.  Took my blood pressure- much higher than it has ever been (my BP is usually very low).  He is literally killing me with kindness right now.  And I am p*ssed about it.

I appreciate your forbearance in allowing me to unburden myself in this way.  Anyone care to venture why his kindnesses are making me feel murderous?  I know why intellectually, but I need someone to spell it out EMOTIONALLY  for me.  Thank you.

 

 

 

I'm So Exhausted's picture

I know these band-aids so very well

Yes, I can so understand what you have posted here.

I do not understand why my husband cannot notice me until I am pushed to my limits of patience and saying "I'm done."

Then I get the Honeymoon Phase for a few weeks - maybe a month.  Hoping that maybe this time he understands.

Until . . . .  the next hurricane of ADD anger/bitterness/stubbornness arrives.

Sigh.  You are singing with the choir.  I guess none of us are alone, are we?!

From the outside looking in, all my friends and family cannot understand why I get frustrated.  Some are  so envious- judging of course by outside appearances.  When I try to explain that, yes, everyone at one time or another forgets their keys, loses track of time, doesn't finish a project - however, these behaviors and more, so much more  and so often, create major chaos in our home.

Hole in the bucket's picture

bingo.  I am doubtful that it

bingo.  I am doubtful that it will last.  I know it never does for my wife.  As soon as everything is sorted and forgiven... he'll forget is my wager.  I know that this may not sound very supportive and I am sorry... but don't fall for it.  Ever heard that adage: "A day late and a dollar short"?  Well if you fall for this, you'll be giving him a free ticket to do it again.  Stick to your guns... and tell him to screw off, get some help and THEN come talk.

No, I know it will not last

He has promised to get a referral for evaluation this coming Monday.  We have done this dance before.  All I can do now is wait (and keep pointing out things that need fixing around here, in a desperate attempt to take full advantage of this latest bout of "hyperfocus").

Well..

If he can do all of that now, it sounds like he is quite capable and knows just what to do. He also knows exactly what you're looking for to dive back into the relationship and back away from the separation. 

Wow

He is running on the adrenaline from the fear of a separation and it is giving him access to the motivation to get things done that he just doesn't notice/care about/feel motivated to do generally.

I understand why you are mad......you are probably thinking something along the line of "I have told you in absolutely every way that I know how what I need you to do for weeks and months and YEARS and NOW....NOW WHEN I AM AT THE END AND TELL YOU I WANT TO SEPERATE, YOU WANT TO BE HELPFUL?!?!?!?!  I want to club you with a bat!"  Or maybe I am just projecting what would be my likely reaction in that situation....

From the outside it looks like he doesn't care normally, but if his nice cozy apple cart is going to be upset by the undone things, then he will get his butt in gear.  Unless he is genuinely a man who wears his nether regions as a hat, it isn't about this at all.  It is about *now* and *not now* and how to him, *not now* can literally go for months and months with him not thinking about doing things at home beyond "I will get to that later."

Now I think this is wrong and I have fought plenty with my husband about it, but then I read a Hallowell book about ADD people picking fights for the adrenaline to have the motivation to get things done.  And I was MAD and I felt USED.  I took it to hubby calmly and asked him if he thought he was doing this, and he admitted he could see it since we'd have a fight about the house and most everything that could be done quickly would be done in hours.  It left us both exhausted and out of sync with eachother, but for a while it seemed to be the only way to get things DONE!  (I once yelled at him so high pitched for several minutes until I started choking on my dry throat and started puking in our kitchen.....yeah that was a high point for both of us :( )

So we discussed the fact that we thought he was doing this, and how even though I was furious, we understood up to that point it had been unconscious and a coping mechanism for him.  But also that it needed to STOP.  That neither of us was ok with him upping the bp and our emotions and that there had to be a better way.  We started workign together on deadlines.......he claims reponsibility for the job, he chooses a deadline for it to be done.  I don't mention it until the deadline passes except in family meetings (if applicable) where we are discussing things we have  coming up.

He still forgets.......I still have a tarp over the roof of my shed for 2 YEARS because at first he wouldn't replace a few shingles, now we have a leak that he doesn't know how to fix (though to his credit he has tried a couple times).  It is on the *list* but things keep getting bumped ahead of it and I am trying to be sympathetic to it.  If he doesn't get it done soon, we are going to have to make a serious consequence (like him paying for someone else to repair it out of his blow money--that usually gets his buttocks in gear!)

 

Anyway, I sympathize with you very much, but his kicking it into high gear is no doubt a measure of how much he wants you to NOT seperate, so maybe you could try to take it as a compliment? Please don't think I am judging....I definitely don't have all the answers.

Aspen re: compliment

Thank you for your calm and measured response.  I must admit I appreciate the positive and negative responses/interpretations equally.  Though I hate the somewhat artificial divide of positive/negative.  I view these posts, whether calm, cranky, moral, fretful, angry- whatever-  as being like a Greek chorus; I have noticed that most posters tend to move fluidly between all different kinds of responses.  That's what makes this forum valuable to me.  

Anyway, consider yourself a hero today.  You helped save my husband's (psychic) life; by letting me spew things HERE, he was safer THERE.

Sounds familiar

My husband would do the same thing.  The latest being me saying that I'm pretty much done and that he hasn't done anything that I have asked him to do in months - that he can't even take care of himself.  His response was "it was hard, so I gave up."  When I said I couldn't do it anymore it was like it flipped a switch.  Suddenly, he did EVERYTHING I asked in 48 hours.  And he was like "that wasn't that hard, if I knew it was that easy, I would've done it."  Well, here we are a few months later and it's still the same old stuff.  Forgotten promises, frustration, anger.  He just got diagnosed with ADHD the other day and started meds today.  He says he's trying but part of me thinks that he doesn't even know how to try or he's trying in the wrong way.  

It made me so angry though, because I could see that he could do it.  I could see that it didn't take that much effort.  But he waited until I was ready to give up and leave to do it.  It seemed counter-intuitive to be angry at something he was finally doing but I couldn't help it.  I was like, why couldn't you have done this sooner??  So I absolutely understand where you're coming from.

ebb and flow's picture

revelation

Oh yeah...

I know this move VERY well!!!

You are not the only one who experiences this.

And, what Aspen was saying about the adrenaline kicking in from the threat of you leaving is so very true.

I wish they had a magic adrenaline pill ADDers could take everyday to get stuff done!

Ritalin just doesn't cut it like the powerful chemicals released from the threat of a break up!! ;)

They definitely need to create something like that in pill form...

Something REALLY powerful!!! They could call it the, 'break-up makes em wake-up' pill! lol ;P

I wonder, when *really* at the edge of my sanity, if I've ever threatened this sub consciously to get him hoppin'?? 

Hmmm.... I better check that... lol

The last two hours...

He returns from the hardware store.  He is a flurry of activity, rushing about fixing everything he can think of, everything that he "suddenly" realizes is not quite right.  He replaces the burnt out bulbs above the table.  He replaces the florescent bulb in the kitchen (I don't even have a MEMORY of this much light in the kitchen).

He tries to speak to me.  I can see his mouth moving, but I cannot hear him. I am BLASTING Beethoven's Sonata No. 8 in C Minor (most particularly, the first movement) on endless loop.  The piece is channeling my rage and agitation, putting a fine point on the madness I am feeling (I am also starting my period- sorry if this is TMI, but the hormones are OUTRAGEOUS at this point);  I beseech you, DO NOT listen to this piece at high volume when you are angry. It will drive you to temporary insanity.

 I am sitting at the piano, the top raised like a coffin lid- a barrier between us.  I watch him go into the kitchen, stand at the sink.  Finally I ask, "What are you doing?"  "Cleaning the oven vent", he replies.  I feel the stirrings of a bottomless rage.  I force my face into a scary approximation of a smile.  I say, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I need you to stop fixing things.  You are tapping into my latent anger right now."  He says, "I have neglected a lot of things.  I am going to get some things done right now." JAYSUS!

I realize I need to step outside, decompress.  I flip the switch- no porch light.  It is pitch black outside.  I go back to the living room.  He has removed the switch plate cover to fix the wiring of the dimmer switch.  "The porch light?" I say weakly.  I am having trouble standing.  "I cut the power", he says.  

My anger broils and swells.  It is moving over me in waves now. I tell him, "Please understand. I know I look calm. But my rage is reaching epic proportions.  I can FEEL my blood pressure rising.  You have to stop."  He says, "While I was outside, I also fixed that pesky lock on your car door."  I experience nuclear fission.  I actually close my eyes and begin to sway. "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?" I rasp.

"You don't look so good." he says. "Maybe you should come to bed, let me hold you."  No. NO. He cannot think it.  He cannot think that I will let him hold me, then have "angry sex".  This angry sex would look like the female praying mantis variety of angry sex. This sex will only lead to an indictment.  I have my children to think of.  They cannot see me in prison.  "Please, go to bed," I say.  Something in my eyes (perhaps the red swirly things moving in contrary motion where my irises should be) convinces him to take his leave.  "Yeah, I guess I am kind of sleepy," he says. 

re: rant:

So there right now. Let me give you an analogy. I have a small laptop that I use fro time to time. Something is messed up with it. You have to hold the screen back with one hand to get a clear screen. If you let go, it goes all fuzzy, then blank. Follow me so far. okay.

Once you get it pushed back and hold it you can work on it except you have only one hand to type, not impossible but sloooowww and frustrating.

I get the feeling that is my ADHDer's brain. If something.( me foaming at the mouth spit splatting his shirt pushes his screen back, he can access his memory bank and kick himself in high gear. AS long as I keep holding the screen back, whilst with the other hand try to input info into that brain of his that he needs to get it together meds, coaching something. I let the screen go and exit stage left. sigh.

"re:feeling this"

no can do. I'll be at my own trial for putting his favorite teams helmet on him and kicking his head over the goal post. just sayin...

ebb and flow- re: the magic pill

He is asleep.  And the mad scientist in me is fantasizing about drawing some of his adrenaline-flooded blood, mixing it with a mood stabilizer and just a tease of salt peter, for regular re-injection.  Ta Da!  My perfect man!

magic pill

in our dreams dear. I am a kind compassionate loving person. I will give you the shirt off my back, the unburnt toast, my favorite to die for red evening gown..you getting this? Ok I also think living with MY ADHDer has burnt some circuits in my brain because I can be an evil twin. Sometimes when he has pushed that  LAST nerve, you know the one, it feels like ice water on a tooth with an exposed nerve. I am no longer Mother Theresa...

Instead I deliberately with evil intent go and switch his drawers,. He goes bananas if his underwear t-s and socks are not in their respective drawers. I can move the socks to the middle one and underwear to the top drawer and he cannot for the life of him figure out where either item is.  Remove the batteries from his remote and nose hair trimmer, replacing them with almost dead ones. Then the coup de grace. I lift the toilet seat, carefully wrapping saran wrap over the bowl and smoothing until it is invisible. I am very thin and tired of falling into the bowl when I get up during the night bleary eyed  with nature calls,  the bowl which is covered with you know what... Put the seat back down. I go sit at the table and pour a cup of coffee and wait...for... it...

Revenge is best served COLD.

re:Beethovan

HUGS!! This is by far the worst part of being in my relationship. the crazy making. I am often lauded for my calm, rational manner. I'm the one whom you want in an emergency. Yet I wake and feel like I live in an Asylum in a parallel universe. I answer my phone, Grand Central Nuthouse, how can I make you crazy. For REAL. I have anti anxiety meds which I quit taking. I was less anxious but became diabolical.

It's so sad. I recall when my ex died. I stood over his grave, staring at the beautiful silver coffin, glancing over at his family all dressed in floral dresses. So like them to have no class, no respect.  (Me I'm wearing a wool Italian designer dress with cape) I look at his young 19?) fiancee  thinking she lucked out when he died.

He had beat me so badly once it brought tears to the emergency room doctor.   She is probably 360 lbs 5 ft tall. ( He TOLD me, yea I got sick of skinny you, got a woman with some meat on her bones, and young enough to do as I say.) I toss the flower into the grave wishing it were a grenade to make sure he would never come back. Bitter hateful, perhaps. But it hurts that another human being can create those feelings in you.

I wonder why we allow ourselves to be in relationships that are so damaging to our psyche. Going to scrub every inch of the house today. My feelings are raw. Will post later why.

Hang in there sweetie.

Topaz re: sad memory

That is such a sad memory, that funeral.  I wish that I could go back in time and be there with you.  And that it was a grenade. And that I was tossing my husband into the grave on top of that grenade. And then we'd go for coffee and say nice things about the recently departed.  Then- to the mall, where I would purchase one of those Italian designer dresses (with cape) that you look so smashing in.  

Stop! You all are making me

Stop! You all are making me feel like I'm going to hell just for laughing at this...he he he. Can I have coffee with you? I would prefer some good, comfy cool looking jeans...or fuzzy boots...or sweaters..over the dress though...if that's OK.

Please..call me Sherri.

...it is 19 degrees here this morning...my brain cannot process anything but jeans, sweaters, and fuzzy boots...

Fuzzy boots

I could go for fuzzy boots, skinny jeans and a cashmere sweater. It all represents normal, sane lovely things in life.  "All that I'm after is a life full of laughter.." Daughtry.

The cruelest irony this year. My ex bf, we were insanely in love and my hubby knew I carried a torch for that man all these years....run into him after 20+ years..we drifted apart due to life stuff..me choosing to help my hubby before we married..my ex is married to a woman with.. you guessed it... ADHD and his stepchild also has ADHD. We are both miserable. We weren't sure if we wanted to marry at that time. Now looking back we both think....I know there are happy marriages in the ADHD world, but things like this just crush me...

Topaz- re: nice quote...

"They f*ck you up, your mum and dad..." Larkin.  

Yes, I was married before.  I think of that husband and realize that what I thought was so hard then, the things that led to our divorce, were kisses from a girl compared to what I am dealing with now.  

go sell crazy

somewhere else we are all full up here. I've feeling maudlin today. He is running around belting out songs.... I was in the shower and he asks, Can I have a hotdog? I replied. You don't have to ask me, we talked about this. ( IN house separation) I'm thinking hot dogs, he bought hot dogs? Let me explain. My son wanted a healthier diet at home so I created new menus shopping list everything. He lost the weight he wanted to, felt better. I also told hubby all those artificial colors flavors and god knows what else in those food do not help your ADHD.

He does the grocery shopping, one area he does fine, it  just takes him FOREVER, ask his buddy who went with him and left the store to sit in the car after going back to the same aisle 5 times.) I gave him a list which he ususlaly follows to the letter, I noticed koolaid in one bag sigh.

Anyway I come out of the shower and he's singing "she's the keeper of the kitchen lalalalala." He likes to take tunes and make up his own words, usually funny as heck but NOT today. He was warned this a.m. I am feeling murderous. This is the sort of thing that makes me wonder if it isn't on purpose????

I reflected on the posts today, and forgive me if I sound arrogant or snobbish. You see I realized some time ago, my Stepdad had ADHD. My mother ran a very tight ship. She controlled EVERYTHING. He used to agitate me with his fidgeting, wiping his snot on his recliner and his talk. oh his talk. I am not about labels but can you say white trash redneck? I used to see my mother on the porch smoking and weeping at nights. I finally figured out why. Both my ex-late husbands were like that. It didn't come out until AFTER we married. Can you say lime green polyester seersucker suit????

So I decided to bring some class into my life. It helps me feel sane, CLEAN and normal. It feels like fate is determined to keep ADHD in my life so why run, it will follow me. I need to vent today, When your till death do us part partner tells you he might take the bus today and you're thinking throw yourself under instead please. Gotta vent.

Topaz- re: go sell crazy...

PLEASE, tell me it was the "clear" kind of kool-aid...  You are right.  Is there a full moon or something?  It seems as if you, me and Sherri all cracked the past 24 hours.  Though I think her fever has broken...

Let's definitely say full

Let's definitely say full moon.

Day ending much better than it started. My fever has subsided...but the issue still lingers. Guess we know what Friday's topic in counseling will be.

Sorry, no full moon

Still got another 10 days to go on that one (ever the scientist).

Something in the water? (harder to disprove that one)

moon/water/air/cold

Must be the drop in pressure with the north winds blowing. Or as we spill our hearts and minds the TRUTH of it all has smacked us between the teeth. Who knows? It's subsiding but yes the issues are still there. My son asked me if I go to his sisters next month could I please leave menus and some prepped food so they won't have to eat processed junk or junk food. so sad to me.

They say when a butterfly flutters it's wing in South America it affects everything..so our fluttering gasping breaths and electric emotions might be charging something in the air.

We need

 your razor wit and OHpinions. Please how do you Maintain?I'm about to go Rambo on him. right revelation?

Hole in the bucket's picture

Sorry.  Hit a pretty big bout

Sorry.  Hit a pretty big bout of depression there... and just couldn't get up the motivation to do much of anything.

big bout of depression

Yes, there was clearly some enormous change in the barometric pressure, or the pull of the moon or the air quality or SOMETHING.  Several of us have had a bad last few days.  I am sorry to hear this.  We were thinking of you.  I do hope that you are feeling better now.  If not- we are here for you.

Mr. Bucket-

I am becoming concerned...  You are strangely absent.  ???

smashing

ok I think under all those lovely clothes I'm wearing my b***ch panties today.  So how does one maintain their sanity when it's ooops we're going doooooown the roller coaster today? He's being all lovey..leans against door jamb. yea I'm lookin all sexy today aint I ,unshaven slovenly but oh so sexy *grin*, can I kiss your forehead.uh no your neck, any other body parts. hahahaha.... Leave me the frick ALONE and go choke on your hot dog please. ahhhhso he goes  after I ask him to move the drums so I can put up the tree, He wants the tree there instead. I say the drums will get ruined by the fireplace. oh okay..he asks so where do you want me to keep the pellet gun( a new acquisition of his) I said in the garage so I don't use it on you. He laughs, then start beating on the drums. If this continues one of us may not survive the day....

waynebloss's picture

Magic Pills

They actually do have "magic" pills that give me the adrenaline I need to focus and get things done.  That is one of the reasons why we are in hell is the fact that when we talked before I would become angery, rage and yell but it was the only way I knew how to make my mind clear!  It slowed down the thought process so I could concentrate on what she was talking about or complete a project.  The meds I am taking is Vyvanse 60mg, it gives me the "flight or flight" stimulation that I need to make things clear.  That is how along with the counseling sessions, education and God I am changing after 41 years of doing it "my" way.  Now, if I could only get my wife to empty out some of her anger so that she can see I am not the OLD Wayne but the Wayne who has improved/changed for the better! 

Most husbands who I read about make me feel sick that they could treat anyone they way they are treating you girls!  I know that some of them are scared but I honestly feel they know what they are doing, they know how to stop it but have lived off excuses so long that they feel they can "band-aide" the situation and it will all get better. 

They need to know that the worse wound to recover from is one that healed on the outside but festered and grew into a nasty, raging infection on the inside that will take months to heal!  Need to open it up, let all the "juices" flow out and start to address the infected areas, then apply a dressing 2-3x a day  from the inside out so that the "wound" can start to heal and build healthy tissue.  If not addressed in time, then usually the take away the infected part so the rest of the body can start to heel.   I should know, I am a nurse and have address many of these types of wounds on patients, just never thought I would be addressing it on my life!   

Yes, Topaz, Rev, Devon, Sherri, Ebb and everyone else,  I am reading and understanding what I wrote and understand this applies to me, guess this is what happen to my wife, and  it is time I start to attending to the wound so the healing can start can start before it is too late.

 

Wayne

 

Very interesting...your rage

Very interesting...your rage helped your focus. It makes me so sad to think of things like this...and imagine all of the negative things that those with ADD use a ways of coping. It is amazing that you're able to recognize this. Just like me always masking my hurt with anger..it was much better to be a raving b!tch than to make myself vulnerable enough to say "that hurts" regardless of the response. Maybe it was the response that led to me masking my hurt with anger, who knows?

They say that introspection is very hard for ADDers...you should be proud. Be patient...those wounds will heal.

Sherri

Are you sure what you're

Are you sure what you're feeling is truly anger? Ok..I know that sounds like a stupid question judging by your fantastically detailed description of it..but, I'm just sayin. I always used to react with anger...that was my 'outward' emotion..but inside I was hurt, disappointed, SAD, LONELY, etc. "why can't he just be the person I know he can be??!!" I suppose the frustration led to the anger, but in the end I was just hurt and sad. I always knew, could even say "when I get hurt, I get mad", but I never knew how REALLY deadly this was for me, and how toxic it was for those around me. I get FULLY how you get more done (with most ADDers..NOT all..please don't anyone hate me for saying that) by being a total b!tch than you do by saying "that really hurts"...

Ahh...Ok...not in the frame of mind to do this today (crappy night here)...just wanted to say that I hope you can find a way to get your emotions in check and figure out a way to deal with all of this. Maybe now would be a good time to 'suggest' he get an evaluation? :-) Use it to your advantage? I have EVERY confidence in you that you're creative and resourceful enough to make something good come out of this. This is the part where I would start feeling sorry for him, immediately panic that I'd hurt him (in a deeply profound way), and start trying to smooth everything over. You're doing great...now to just work on that anger so that we don't lose our wise revelation to a stroke! :)

Sherri

SherriW13 re: anger

Oh yes,  it was most assuredly anger.  Not irritation, frustration, sadness, loneliness (I am familiar with all these lovely emotions, the subtle nuances and gradations).  No; this was more than anger.  It was blinding, earth-moving RAGE.  I shook. I could not stop clenching and opening my hands, so badly did I want to claw at something.  I went outside and smoked and paced, and smoked and paced, then ran up and down my driveway trying to work off the adrenalin.  I sat down and played scale after mind-numbing scale trying to keep my hands occupied with something that wouldn't send me to jail.  I mainlined a chocolate bar to try to focus at least one of my senses (I don't really even like candy).  I followed this with two shots of Glenlivet, and a large glass of water.  Then I sat down and tried not to think of it anymore.  

Nope.  Rinse and repeat.

I am doing better today.  But I now have a deeper, more familiar understanding of the term "snapping" than I ever wanted to (read: feels confident that she has sufficient evidence to "beat the charges" should it come to that). 

OK.  Back to suppressing and repressing and sublimation. 

Thank you for your thoughtful, well-considered response. : )

Anger

I can see how you would feel angry about this situation with your husband. All it took for him to do all this was the threat of separation. How come he couldn't do this before if it is on him, you wondered. I often felt the same way. I think the anger, at least in my case, is from your husband doing all this out of fear, not because he really wants to do this. Correct me if I am wrong here. I felt like that when for 6 months I had asked my husband for a separation and he wouldn't give it to me. I didn't' want an in-house separation, I wanted him to leave the house. No he wouldn't. I decided them that to get him out I would have to file for divorce, so I did that. I was done with him, I didn't' care if he was mad, angry, made threats, whatever, bring it on...... Then he started to change. He started going to church, got a job (remember that he doesn't' work half the time and was unemployed back then also), started being nice to me, cleaning the house, buying me flowers and sending them to my work (I was soooooo embarrassed). The more things he did, the angrier I became. I would come home from work and he would try to talk to me, he would say: Hey I've changed, I am not angry, you are the angry one, why are you so angry?. And I would get even angrier. I can't really expressed how I felt. He was "trying so hard" that it was making me sick! He wasn't doing because he wanted to change or because he thought he had to change for himself, he was doing it because I was about to divorce him! There were some instances where I hit him, once by kicking him off my bed (long story here but we were already sleeping in separate rooms for 6 months then suddenly he decided on his own that he should "move in" to my bed, hell no. I was already sleeping when he came in to bed and woke up, saw him there and started kicking him as hard as I could - get off my f***ing bed, yelling like a crazy psycho b***) then the other time I threw a chair at him (can't remember why really, everything is kind of a fog now). But I was losing it. Then I realized the angrier I got, the calmer he got, and he was actually (knowingly or not) playing a game to "prove" that I was the one with a problem, not him. Look how calm and assertive he was, look what a b*** she is! When I realized that I had to stop. I would take deep breaths, do whatever I could to keep calm. The calmer I got, the angrier he got. And that' how it ended up on the day that I called 911 and he got sent to jail (that could have been me!). He actually did say that he should have called the policy on me because I was so sick and out of control! Hahaha. I am not an angry person at all, nor violent. I was in a bad spot and "allowed" him to make me that way! Yes, I allowed him to make me feel angry and out of control. That was on me! It never happened again. I do whatever I can to calm myself down, I walk away, I smoke a pack of cigarettes ( not the best choice but oh well, better than going to jail for killing someone!). I do the best I can to be aware of my feelings - whatever they may be, and how his actions make me feel or how I allow myself to feel when faced with his screw ups.

I am glad you feel better - don't want to see you (or anyone here) going to jail for murder! 

I think that you may get better results if you keep up with the separation story. Don't know, maybe a dumb suggestion, tell me if it is...I am ok with it! Just let him know this is where you are at, let him do all these things for you, and you in turn take care of yourself. Don't let him take you there anymore, to that place where you feel you've snapped> Don't allow him to bring those feelings on you. It's not worth it. If he is going to keep up with the changes is yet to be seen, all you can do is let him know how you feel and move on with your life. I know you do that well already!

 

going crazy re: anger

He will never keep up with the changes.  On Sunday, we had a discussion about how that f*cking "playhouse" has turned into a full-time second job and not even close to being finished after a year and a half. By Monday pm, he was saying, "I was thinking about taking a sheet metal class at the community college, so that I can learn how to construct the roof over the stairs."  ARGH!  I just gritted my teeth and said, "You're not getting it."  Can you imagine?  I was b*tching about how long the roof was taking, then he says he wants to take a 3 MONTH CLASS and THEN do the roof.  Just shingle the MFer already!!!   *gasping, choking sounds*

Paradoxical

After reading your post, this came to mind.  It seems to echo the behavior of an ADHDer when faced with a threat. Today hubby could not understand why his sudden flurry of helpfulness just made me furious. Read this and see if you get what I'm getting at. My brain is tired.

Paradoxical Undressing
is a term for a phenomenon seen in cases of lethal hypothermia. Shortly before death, the person will remove all their clothes, as if they were burning up, when in fact they are freezing. people who have frozen to death are often found naked and are misidentified as victims of a violent crime.

One theory proposes that the reflex vasoconstriction, which happens in the first stage of hypothermia leads to paralysis of the vasomotor center giving rise to the sensation that the body temperature is higher than it really is and in a paradox reaction the person undresses. Then the dying person will  try to crawl into a small, enclosed space. For which reason, victims of hypothermia are often found naked, squeezed into cupboards or beneath beds.

In 20% of our cases of death due to hypothermia the bodies were found in a position, which at first induced the suspicion of an attempt to hide the body. But after all  examinations and  police investigations it was clear that no other person was involved.  The The clothes of the bodies were always strewn on the ground in front of the final position, sometimes forming a trail. In every case the paradoxical undressing had obviously happened before this self-protective "burrowing behavior".

This is sustained by the fact that the removed clothing was never found at the final position where the body was found, and some of the victims due to cooling had obviously been crawling around. In most cases the final position in which the bodies were found could only be reached by crawling on all fours or flat on the body, resulting in abrasions to the knees, elbows, etc. This crawling to the final position seems to have happened after undressing as there were abrasions to the skin but no damage to the corresponding parts of the removed clothing.

It is fear. I'm not ADD/ADHD,

It is fear. I'm not ADD/ADHD, but I've been there and done that myself. Was it Aspen who said it is probably adrenaline driven? This makes perfect sense. Might be some good proof that your husband would benefit from stimulant medications.

I can remember many times being fearful that if I didn't change certain behaviors and change them NOW that my marriage would fall apart. I can honestly say there was a lot of fear driven chemical activity in my body (adrenaline, norepinephrine). Panic. It is a constant state of panic. You awaken in a state of panic, you remain in that same state...sometimes for weeks. It is exhausting and can be quite humiliating when you figure out what you've been doing and why. (can you say desperation?) This kind of change never lasts because of the driving factors behind it. Real change needs to come from a place of comfort and trust.

This is why I HATE that my emotional well-being is so tightly bound to his moods sometimes. I suffer physical problems such as stomach issues..when we aren't getting along. It is no way to live. I go through this, suffer for a few days, and then I find my resolve again. I only wish I could find and KEEP that resolve. I guess all in good time. I am much more stable and strong than I used to be. I have clear boundaries for myself now...and have proven that even if it is at the risk of my marriage, I won't remove those boundaries.

I know what he's feeling...but I don't condone his refusal to see that he needs to be this way consistently and not just when driven by the fear of God you've put into him.

I think you are angry at your

I think you are angry at your husband's sudden interest in the world you're supposed to be sharing together because his actions are aggressive. They are not kind actions - not at all.  When I read your description, I felt the kinds of negative internal ick that used to well-up in me back when I was a teenager and a date would try to keep me from exiting the car at the end of the night. "Well that was awesome," I'd say," Thank's for driving us," and my date would reply, "Hey why so fast?"while snaking his arm around my shoulders to push down the lock on the driver's side door.

Its a MIRACLE!!!

My husband has agreed- after a lengthy and uncomfortable discussion- to get a referral next Monday to be evaluated for ADD!!!

He was asking me why I talk to people on this website (I had been keeping it a secret- still won't tell him the name of the site); I explained to him that he is KILLING ME, and I needed to come here to vent.  

He asked a lot of questions.  At one point, I told him that a lot of the spouses here seem to end up on psychotropic medications.  He said, "I don't want you to end up having to take something to deal with being with me." and I said, "I already "take something" to cope with living with you; its called Glenlivet." He said he felt real bad about that.

I know he only agreed because he is in hyperfocus at this time, so afraid that I will go through with the separation.  I guess I will have to keep mentioning it until he gets that evaluation done, to keep up his momentum.   I'm stunned!    

waynebloss's picture

CONGRATS! But still go through with it

I know that I am begging God and my wife (under my breath because she does not want to hear me) but the in-house separation has been good for both of us.  He still can be evaluated, still see a counselor, still start taking medication to show you that he is serious about starting a new path with you!  But you have to take care of you before you can be healthy enough for this lng journey with us!  

When you pour yourself a glass, do not be stingy and ask others if they want one also, do you think my med would react well with Glenlivet?  

Heck!  My husband has had the

Heck!  My husband has had the diagnosis, after seeing a psychiatrist, been in counseling, is on various medications, has read many books about his disorder and how to successfully live with it BUT, as I continue to beat my head against the wall, will not, for reasons unknown to me, take the necessary steps to better his and OUR life.  I just don't "get it" nor "care" anymore!!!!!  Wayne and many others on here are right.  You come to a crossroads in this journey where you finally reach the conclusion that this disorder is killing you and if you don't start taking care of yourself it could harm you.  I have learned the valuable lesson that you can't help someone who refuses to help themselves, no matter what you try to do even when you can see and hear their cries for help.  It has just taken me a loooooong time to learn that lesson.

Hyperfocus or not, this is

Hyperfocus or not, this is great. Hopefully he'll get so much from going to counseling that it'll be something he really wants to do and will stick with it. My husband LOVES going to counseling...and we all know when they enjoy something they can stick with it like glue. LOL

GREAT news!! Don't let him 'forget'. :)

You should be cautiously

You should be cautiously optimistic! Be positive but don't let yourself go just yet. We are all rooting for you....good luck!

going crazy re: cautiously optimistic

OK. I'm just going to put this out there *pulls blanket over head*.  Right now, he is the cranky, b*tchy, a**hole that I cannot abide.   What if he gets medicated, and becomes the bland, polite, helpful husband that I still cannot abide?  What if it is now my permanent habit to dislike him?  I am scared of this...

You know, I have the same

You know, I have the same fear.  My husband was just diagnosed on Saturday and started taking medication (3rd day).  I'm terrified that it has been years of me being angry and bitter and that even if he gets it together, what if I can't fix my feelings?  I'm also terrified that the meds will kick in but then he won't do anything to change.  He'll just be lazy with a clear head.  Or what if the medication makes him worse?  *sigh*  I'm scared, too.  You are definitely not alone on this one.

No, no difference yet.  He

No, no difference yet.  He says that it gives him a weird headache but other than that, he doesn't feel any different.  I haven't noticed any changes in him either.  For example, last night, we were looking for something that he misplaced (Christmas address labels) and he was running around like a chicken without a head tearing the place up.  I kept trying to get his attention to ask him if he even knows what he's looking for looks like (because I had showed them to him briefly and then he put them away somewhere) and he couldn't focus long enough on me to understand my question.  Finally, after getting frustrated at being ignored I yelled and he looked at me and said, "ever since you found I had ADD...".  I didn't let him finish the sentence 'cause I knew it would piss me off further, I just said, I'm trying to get your attention, I'm trying to understand, I know that you're ignoring me because it's a symptom, just please answer my question.

So, long story short, no changes for good or bad.  We have another appointment in a month to decide if it's working or if we need to up the dosage.

A small victory...

So, I just wanted to share a small victory with you guys.  On Friday, I had to do a bunch of Christmas shopping with my husband was at work.  I was thinking about getting gas before getting into the car because I knew I had less than a quarter tank left.  Imagine my surprise when I got in my car and saw that my gas tank was full!  Apparently, my husband had taken my car to get his haircut the night before and filled my tank!  I called him on the spot to thank him for being thoughtful.  I could help but think it was a small victory that was big in my heart. 

I don't know if it's the medication he's been on for the past week or what, but I wanted to share a little bit of good.  :)

christina re: small victory

Lovely!  You are giving me much hope!!!  Because I ain't NEVER got gas in my car.  Girl, keep posting these beautiful "snapshots" whenever they arise.  Thanks!

YAY!!! Victory indeed! I have

YAY!!! Victory indeed! I have fussed and cussed many times...putting to the gas station on fumes. I would literally have to pull over and pass out for a few minutes. LOL

GREAT idea to thank him!

ebb and flow's picture

christina

"He'll just be lazy with a clear head"

I hate to use the term "lazy" to describe my partner because after educating myself I am aware now it's not "laziness", but...

Not to scare you, this is what happened with my partner. :/

His behaviour is less hyper on the outside and more focused. He can hyperfocus on work the whole day without leaving his office(!) but still cannot do simple chores on his own and his irritability sucks and his distraction (from relationship) is even worse. He's became less "emotional"-- sort of bland. :(

I'm not saying this happens to all ADDers who medicate, and lord knows, he may be different on another med BUT do not get your hopes up just based on the ADDers getting meds. It's a happy thing, and I believe it's one step closer to where you want to be... but that's exactly it.... it's one step, of many, that need to be taken!

The behavioral side of all of this doesn't necessarily go away with JUST meds. I think meds are more about how it makes *them* feel inside as a opposed to helping the non-ADDer out on the outside, you know?

They actually need to work on the outward behaviours with the help of a therapist and/or coach. (my experience, so far)

Just sayin....

From my own personal

From my own personal experience, he is on the wrong medication. My husband described feeling "blah" and "emotionless" and constantly irritated on Concerta. NOTHING like that now, and he's on Vyvanse. He takes it because of focus and concentration issues with work..and although Concerta helped a little, the other affects of it were horrible enough that something else was warranted. World of difference on the Vyvanse. If the meds make things worse, in any aspect, to me that is just simply the wrong medication. There are far too many of them out there to settle for one that makes things worse.

ebb and flow's picture

SherriW13 re:meds

We've talked about Ritalin possibly being the wrong med for him but he can't afford anything else and is too scared to tell his doctor that it "may not be working correctly" because he's worried the doctor will conclude he doesn't need them AT ALL then. I know it sounds paranoid but I kinda see where he's coming from seeing as he had to jump through hoops and trials with placebos in order for this doctor to put him on meds in the first place. They took him as the type who might want to abuse them because he had admitted to using stimulant drugs in the past... :/

At first they put him on a anti-depressant to try and avoid putting him on stimulants all together... That was bad, bad, bad! We knew pretty much right away that was not the way to go. Then he was put on this med, adjusted the dosage and bam it's all good. Or so we think....

I had no idea that his moodiness and feelings of no/lack of energy, no/lack of interest could be a side effect of the meds he's on... His description of how he feels almost sounds to me like depression! :((

We're going to bring it up in therapy as it all has been having a ripple affect on my feelings as well. Hopefully she can eliminate some of his fears about talking to his Dr about the possibility of changing up the meds...

Wow... I guess I never thought the other meds out there were really any different. I thought it was just difference in how they were absorbed and dosages and maybe brand names. I never even considered side effects....

Hmmm.... now you've got the wheels turning.

Honestly, my fear was that

Honestly, my fear was that exact thing...since they're all mostly 'stimulants' that it would just be more of the same. Anti-depressants were a HORRIBLE choice for my husband as well...and he took Concerta (just Ritalin but in an extended release form) and it was almost exactly like the anti-depressants. Made him feel so lethargic and emotionally void.

I had no idea that his moodiness and feelings of no/lack of energy, no/lack of interest could be a side effect of the meds he's on... His description of how he feels almost sounds to me like depression!

That was it in a nutshell...irritability, moodiness, short fuse, major lack of energy. I really hope his doctor will work with him. If he's having side effects such as lethargy and irritability then this would warrant trying a different medication. Maybe your input, your observations about how these things got worse, would be helpful. If there is no reason to suspect he's abusing Ritalin (obviously he wouldn't keep prescribing it if he thought so) then I cannot see why he wouldn't be willing to listen and switch his meds.

OHHHHHH! Good question!  

OHHHHHH! Good question!   revelation        That is a scary thought.  It is harder for us to turn the switch from dislike to like, in a split second.

ebb and flow's picture

rev

"What if it is now my permanent habit to dislike him? I am scared of this..."

I'm so scared of this too...

What if, after all the meds, help, coaching, etc. I still don't *actually* like my partner?!?!?

I mean, I would actually *just* be getting to know *him* after 3 years together... What if I don't even like the guy he really is underneath all the symptoms and secondary symptoms we've had to deal with this whole time????

What a scary thought.

I try to assure myself that all of this hard work will not be in vain... If he goes through with all the help and in the end you both fall apart then he's a better person for it, regardless. You see, really, the ADDer should be "fixing" their own life for themselves... but it always seems, on this site, they're doing it by force from their loving partners (us). lol  ;)

I think you will love him still... I mean, I always think there's gotta be something HUGE that keeps me here. There are, every once and a while, glimpses of a relationship I would love to have...

Maybe that's the relationship we'll have after getting all the help?!?!?!

I'm with ya.... Scary.

This is like the irrational

This is like the irrational fear we all have when having our 2nd child...we're terrified that we won't love it like we do our first, and even though we know the fear is silly and irrational, it feels so real at the time. The hate can sometimes overwhelm the love and make it feel like anything 'loving' towards this person would be absolutely, hands down impossible. I would have been participating in this same discussion and wondering 'how could I ever LOVE, FEEL love and passion for this man ever again..' but I do. It isn't something you explain, you just take the chance. You get help, you change patterns that aren't working for you...and if, in the end, it is too late, then it is too late. For me, not giving my marriage (and husband) every reasonable chance wasn't something I could live with. ADD is treatable. My situation was a little backwards (started getting help and THEN got the ADHD diagnosis) but it is still all the same in the end. We were determined to do everything without our grasp to save our marriage...until we had run out of options.

You do not know what the future holds. You do not know what will come of his treatment, IF he proceeds with it and gets help and gets on medication...and only you can decide if there is something, deep down, that is worth staying for. It is a huge risk...and requires a big leap of Faith...but can bring such rewards.

waynebloss's picture

Umm I am scared SH*TLESS

Me too, and I think my is too as well.  This is something that is new but if he truly wants it then it will happen!  I know that my wife is very scared that once she comes back I will fall back into the old me.  I cannot guarrenty it will not happen, but I can tell her that I will wake up everyday trying to stay on this new path, if I stumble, I stumble as long as I continue to move forward.  My wife see me "trip" and she runs back into her "wall", which pisses me off but I understand.  I just continue moving forward and show her that I am trying and I will not quit! 

 

I hope he does the same thing...I really do!

Wayne re: scared SH*TLESS

What is it like for you now?  With the meds, do you feel like to have to REALLY TRY HARD, or just try a little hard to keep things up?  My husband will not even take an aspirin for a headache, so for him to even verbalize considering taking meds for this is huge.  But he does have negative feelings about it.  I told him I thought they may help him feel more motivated and less angry.  "Mind control" he retorted.  

waynebloss's picture

Mind control! HAHAHAHAHA

They do not control your mind!  They help me focus, see I need the "fight" mode to be able to think clearly, if not then everything is blurry and I cannot see.  The meds give me that stimulation so I do not have to pick a fight, or do something STUPID to get it. I still try very hard, I have a notebook, journal (which I am substituting this site for a bit), counseling sessions, along with re-connecting with MY friends!  I am reading, educating and listening so that I can continue to change. I have always helped around the house, clean, vacuum, laundry and what not so that is not the hard part for me (Thanks US Army!).  The hard part is learning to be myself in this new world, scared that I will not be accepted and I will continue down the path of rejection like I used to. The difference is that I want my wife to stay, I love my wife and my kids.  I do not want to lose them, EVER!  I do not like the person I was, but I was that person for 41 years so it is hard slow process to change EVERYTHING I know.  I told my wife that and she just looks at me, so I do not know if it sinks in or if she is really getting it?  Who knows, but let your hubby know that the only thing/person that can control his mind is God and himself, anything else is just an excuse! 

mind control

My hubby's greatest complaint was it "removed" his creativity. It didn't but if he wasn't doing twenty things at once, or juggling a thousand ideas, he was in 33 rpm... He is absolutely amazing in his work, when things go wonky  or everyone else is in the "weeds" he performs like a mega star. He works better when it's chaotic. He didn't like the neutral mode feeling he got.

Is it really about changing

Is it really about changing everything you know? I mean is that what it really feels like for someone with ADD? I have sensed a bit of a 'mourning' process going on with my husband lately. You read a lot about how ADDers feel that part of the process of 'change' (small word but encompassing a LOT) is having to re-learn everything..how to think, how to listen, how to talk, etc. I know that I am a completely different person (in my marriage) now than I was a year ago. I took a HUGE leap of Faith and ripped away layers of anger and resentment and just stood before my husband raw with emotions that I had suppressed or canvased with anger for so many years..it was terrifying. So, I think change, that is long term, lasting, meaningful...it is hard for everyone and it really does feel like 'everything'. Maybe the difference is that I had to constantly remind myself, talk myself down, repeat my 'new' mantras, etc...it was truly a 24/7 conscious effort to make the changes become habit. Maybe this part comes harder to ADDers? I just wonder about this a lot because I know change was very hard for my husband as well...and some areas are still needing some changes...but he did a lot of tangible changing before medication, before counseling, before we knew he had ADHD. I shouldn't but I find myself worrying...were they hyperfocus motivated? I don't think they were...they feel real and lasting...but isn't it amazing, if they were all HIM and his hard work, that he was able to manage this? It gives me a lot of hope for what he'll be capable of now that he's on the right medication (hopefully, God willing!) and we are in counseling.

About meds (vyvanse)

My husband texted me to call him when I got out of school today. When I called he said he just wanted to hear my voice. Was having a good day, finally getting going on some programming he's doing for the city (for a year now??!!), and explained that he feels better than he has in a very long time. "as though the fog has lifted". No irritability, quite the opposite. Talks and talks and talks...and about DEEP stuff...not just mundane stuff..and not all about him. We've always been able to ride in the car for hours and never run out of things to talk about, but he's really reaching deep into his mind, I can feel it. Did you see my post about him unclogging the sink last night? He said to me this morning "I feel like doing stuff.." and I said "good, can I make you a to-do list?" he said he already had one, but was certain I would be happy with what is on it. (I asked if sex was on it...to which he replied "that isn't a job" to which I replied "but it is something I would be happy with you doing" :o) ) Anyhoooooooo...

What do you have to lose? If he is everything you ever wanted, then let go of the anger, skip through the daisies, and be forever frickin grateful that you broke bad on his a$$ and got his treatment going. Reality is, you are going to have to change. For this to work you do have to change as much as he does. Good news is, you can change into a happy, laughing, whistling, smiling, content woman and whether he changes or not, it is still all good for you. :)

waynebloss's picture

SWEET!!

I am happy for you and your hubby!!   Try not to rub in the sex part..I am still waiting! 

I am so happy (so far..knock

I am so happy (so far..knock wood!!) that I insisted he (and our counselor) listen to me about the Concerta...even if he did put me through quite a bit of crap for a few weeks. I think this medication is the one for him. :-)

I will refrain from using the "S" word, or any reference to it..or at least put a disclaimer in the subject line. It is the least I can do. :-P 

Wayne re: the sex part

Don't worry Wayne;  I join you in your celibacy at this time.  4 months now.

waynebloss's picture

4 months is childs play!!

Try 11.5 months!!  I am sad that anyone in a relationship has to go without intimacy!  It is sad when one person uses it as a weapon against you either knowing or unknowing!  I hope it is with my wife that I get to experience it again, I will not go seek it but how long is enough? 

waynebloss's picture

Then please accpet my apology!

I know i am new at the game, so please forgive my lack of ADD education!  Rev, you and the other ladies are teaching this young newbie to ADD every day! I am liking the D/S game a little bit more each time I read about it....hmmmm "squirrel!"....sorry ADD moment!

It is a shame, again, that women such as yourselves put up with the ADD crap for as long as you have!  I do have ADD, I have been diagnosed properly and will tell you that I pray I did not treat my wife like your husbands have treated you!  I can't understand how someone would treat another person like how Topaz was treated when he lied to her about being someone else!  I do not get those kind of behaviors, I never will, but you all (women) need to understand that you my respect, my smile and my heart!  You guys in the last 2-3 weeks have kept me from filing for divorce, kicking her out of the house and most importantly kept me from disrespecting my wife...AND I AM THE ONE WITH ADD!!  Go figure that one!

I do not know you guys from atom, but I do love you all!  Yes I can get sappy, I have a scotch in one hand toasting you and I want to thank you for being you!! You all rock!! 

Wayne

wayne re: apology

Saluting you with a shot of The Glenlivet (heavenly).  Thanks "Man Among Men".

Topaz, Wayne re: "apology party" last night

We're going to have to try to keep our libations on one forum at a time, rather than tipsily wandering into other forums.  LOL! I got confused...  And I feel like we "crashed" someone else's forum.

waynebloss's picture

Welcome to ADD

I crash other "forums" all the time!! 

Last night my wife and I were talking..YES we were talking!!!!!  Ensuring that we had our schedules together..YES I said together, it was nice and a good conversation!!  I am going with her to her office party, which I thought I was not, she did tell me that she is going to KC next month to see some HS friends which I felt my ADD creeping up but was able to control it.  Anyway, We were talking about one event and I jumped back to another even in one breath.  My wife said.."come on back to this one please (with a smile), I took a breath and i laughed and came to the one we were talking about! 

 

So, some good news continuing this week....we shall see how the healthy separation conversation goes on Sunday! 

 

Wayne 

wayne re: talking together

Oh Wayne, that sounds wonderful!  You are doing such a great job!  Your wife is, too! Perhaps your motivation and constancy are beginning to pay off?  Keeping my fingers crossed...

waynebloss's picture

Rev & Topaz

Me too, not jumping the gun or hyper-focusing on it, just glad that there is positive happenings instead of negatives. 

Wayne re:Welcome

Great News! Continued prayers here. So pleased to hear how things are going for you. oops about last night. Emotions running wild again.

ebb and flow's picture

SherriW13

Sex? What is this "sex" everyone always talks about???? I think I've had it before... Hmmm... Not so sure anymore. :/

How can ADDers be "addicted to fighting", "addicted to work", "constantly looking for a rush of hormones" but sex just *never* makes it on the list?!?!?!?!?

I never thought we had this problem until I recently looked at the calendar and realized we haven't had sex since daylight savings changed... That was Nov 7th.... That would be OVER A MONTH AGO! O_o

Ok... note to self... we have problems in the sex department. Check! :((

And, here I thought we were having it maybe once every week maybe a week and a half, or something...

Heh. Nope.

ebb re: addictions....

My husband's entire list consist of only work and sex.  That's it.   Now, sex is gone.  I am too tired from doing everything else that isn't on the list to attend to his "sex" item. *sigh*

Please, feel free to spin this in a positive light, LOL!

Sherri re: meds

*grumbling*  I suppose you're right.  Just nervous, is all.  I shouldn't even bother to get preemptively nervous.  It is many miles from the paper prescription to the tip of his tongue.  He will probably make me walk on broken glass (on bare knees!) to get there.  *sigh*  But I will do it.

Know it all too

Know it all too well...nothing came easy for me either. Could sit and tell about fight after fight, tear after tear, emotional scar after emotional scar....all AFTER he agreed to get help. (of course 'help' came in the form of ME finding us a counselor and dragging him along...and finding a 2nd because he hated the first..but whatever)

Setting new boundaries and having a new 'list' of demands is never easy for anyone....but I drug him along kicking and screaming...stopping along the way sometimes for him to try and cling onto the 'old' way of doing things for dear life. I think he's glad I did. :o)

sherri re: kicking and screaming

Tell me what that looks like?  What did his "kicking and screaming" look like, and what did your "dragging" look like?  Because I am confused.  I feel like that poster who said, "I can't stop wrong-making."

Here is what I thought I was supposed to be doing:

(1) No yelling at him/belittling him- I don't.

(2) Have realistic expectations for what he can do- mine are probably even lower than than they should be, but check.

(3) Say "please" and "thank you" to show appreciation for efforts - I have always done so.

(4) Speak openly and keep lines of communication open - ..I try...  But I get shut down on this.  I still keep trying...

(5) Show love- OK.  I don't feel it so much, but I continue to make thoughtful gestures.

(6) Don't be "negative"- I am not negative at home.  Only get it out here at times.

What am I doing wrong?  Please advise.

 

 

 

In a nutshell? "If you

In a nutshell?

"If you don't go to counseling with me, I do not want to be married to you anymore"

"I have told you that I wasn't living this life anymore, if you want to continue to XXX (fight, drink, make everyone walk on eggshells) then I don't see any reason for us to continue"

"I don't treat you that way anymore, so I expect the same kindness from you"

"Just because you perceive my comments as inconsiderate of your feelings, that doesn't give you the right to react with anger and hurtful words..stop justifying your ugliness with what you THINK I should or should not have said...sacrifice occasionally and stop always reacting with anger" (like when I asked him, after a LONG and exhausting day at Carowinds, if he'd stay up 2 minutes later and let the dogs back in from pottying so I could jump in the shower...how dare I ask this of him when he was ready to hit the bed immediately!? I mean where was MY consideration for his feelings? I get the point, we could have argued that one til the cows came home, but my point was that there was no excuse for the mumbling and cussing me under his breath that ensued) In a nutshell, from this day forward we'll both accept full responsibility for our own reactions....no more blaming each other for any negative behavior. It is OUR choice.

Not everything happened overnight...but I focused forward. He tried to pull the "I'm not living under a microscope for the rest of my life" BS (because my demands exceeded his willingness to regain my trust momentarilly) and I simply told him that there was no way it would work. Over. Period. And I meant it. Even left one day going to town to find him an apartment.

I didn't have some of the issues you have...such as his being angry all the time...or completely distant and non-exsistant in the family. He has always spent time with us and valued his family. Him giving me his debit card didn't stop his impulsive spending, it just imepeded his ability to do so...and that is something that keeps popping up occasionally so we agreed that we would add it to our list of "sh!t to solve ASAP" with our counselor.

I guess as Melissa says, I just set boundaries for myself, dug in my heels, picked myself up every time I stumbled and still focused forward...and most importantly I was ready to walk away. I told him several times...the pain of losing him couldn't be any worse than the pain of living the miserable life we were living. Also want to point out that I didn't just expect him to change and give nothing. I POURED my heart and soul into my marriage...I opened my heart back up to him...and focused on making MY changes too. Each 'issue' we were presented with, offered an opportunity for growth and change.

I refuse to wear his labels as well...not arguing with him, but not letting him EVER make me feel bad about myself again over some misconception that he has because of his ADHD way of interpreting things. This week was a perfect example. I didn't agree with him on something, told him his actions hurt me. Instead of being big enough to just say "I'm sorry I hurt you" he got defensive and ugly. I stood my ground, and refused to argue with him. Days later he's accusing me in counseling of trying to control him. I made him feel guilty, therefore I was being unsupportive and controlling (controlling his emotions by having my own damned feelings about something???) in his mind. That's OK. I hate that accusation, but he is DEAD wrong and I am OK knowing this in my mind. I won't spend the rest of my life avoiding making him feel guilty when he SHOULD feel guilty for what he does. It threatens him for me to say he hurt me...so he pays me back by saying I'm controlling him...something he knows threatens me. (Will he cheat again?) It is very hurtful, dirty emotional warfare....but I come prepared this time around...getting stronger everyday. It will be saved for counseling...it is an issue I feel is worth dealing with. I don't think there would be a 'right time' for me to say "you're just trying to F with my head because I caught you doing something hurtful...and doing it behind my back...just to make yourself feel better...deflecting the blame on me"

Sorry..didn't mean to ramble...maybe some other stuff will come to mind...but that is about all I got right now. I just could never go back to the way our lives were...and was willing to give my all to see that it didn't/doesn't happen..but he has to as well. ADHD doesn't make them incapable of these kinds of understandings.

Sherri re: in a nutshell

OK. Step one- done.  

I told him that I want our marriage to continue, but that I had no intention of living like this anymore, and that I expected him to come home tomorrow with a referral to see a specialist.  He said, "Wait, what if the doctor won't give me one?"  I called BS and told him that if he comes home tomorrow without a referral, he can consider it the end of our marriage, because I am not going to go on like this.  He has agreed (he had still been waffling about this).

*I felt ridiculous at times during this conversation, as the stress made me so lightheaded that I had to lay down on the floor while I laid down my demands LOL. But I got it done.  

Thanks.  Will let you know....

The changes you need and the

The changes you need and the boundaries you set will be different. Counseling was the number one top priority for me...so that would be where I would start. I mean I cannot say if this is right for you...I don't know what you're needing, what you're willing to give to get it...and give up if you don't. Maybe there are other options for you short of "do it or it is over" but for me, where I was at that point of my life, there was no turning back. I would rather be absolutely miserable and be alone than to be miserable with him again. For me, this was where I started.

It sounds like, for the first time reading your posts, that there is hope that he'll 'get it'. I am doing some serious praying that he comes home tomorrow with at least proof that he's trying. A few phone calls should get him an appt, at the very least.

Please keep us posted!

Sherri re: changes I need

I don't have any choice now.  I was not kidding about having to lie down, my body says something has to change.   I have always been an internalizer.  I'm serious when I say I rant here, but my home life is pretty quiet.  He crabs; I disengage and wander off alone to ruminate.  

The minute I started talking to him, my body went haywire.  But I laid down and kept going (from the floor).  The feelings passed a bit the more I got out.  

You never know with that hyperfocus thing;  he seemed to be sorry, and concerned and desirous of change.  In the back of my mind, I realize he only desired change in the past when he felt like I was close to leaving him.  Doesn't matter now.  Because if he doesn't change with me, we will have to go our separate ways.  I can't be walking around fainting and sh*t everyday...  Thanks for the prayers.

Nutshell

Sherri -

I have been reading the posts on this site for about a week now, and you are one of my favorite posters.  I really enjoy reading what you write.  You and I seem to have so much in common when it comes to our relationships, it is a bit scary!  :)  It is nice to see someone else that seems to be going through the same exact thing as me, and you seem to be having the same reactions as I do. 

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future.  Thanks!

re: Hyperfocus

It continues to be the order of the day.  Just went out to warm up my car (actually HIS car; he took mine to the muffler shop this AM ?!?) - mysteriously, the gas tank is full.  And the car bears traces of having been scraped of snow and frost.   I went to the closet earlier this AM to get my son's handicapped stroller, there was a bag on the seat of the stroller, the contents being something that his teacher had sent us a post-it note about, asking us to send to the school.  Here's what's strange about this sentence: (1) stroller put away in the closet (2) bag with requested contents on seat (3) bag as evidence that note had been read (4) backpack must have been perused after school yesterday to find said note.

It is as if I am living in a parallel universe...

re:hyperfocus

it must be, the similarities in our experiences this week. Mine did the dishes last night AFTER I went to bed, only he pointed that out to me this a.m. and it goes on...

My husband has a tendency to

My husband has a tendency to point out every little thing he does.  And it annoys the heck out of me.  "Look I did the dishes."  "Look I took out the trash."  "Look, I bought your Christmas present early!"  I know that he must be looking for some kind of acknowledgment and to be rewarded but it bugs me because I want to say "that's called doing chores or being thoughtful!"  Is this common to be constantly told of everything that they actually do?  Am I supposed to reward him for every little thing he does?  I know there's positive reinforcement, but it kinda reminds me of a little kid.  "Look Mom, I did ____!"  *sigh*

How about thanking him before

How about thanking him before he can tell  you he did it.  Seems as though he needs praise.  I think it would work well for him to receive that......this from someone (me) divorced from an ADHD man in 1977 after 4 years of separation.  A lot of time to look back.  He got a lot of praise and thanks from me, it was his living in an alternate universe, somewhat unknown to me, or known but I refused to look too close......and when I did the relationship was over.  The unfortunate part is that there is ADD and ADHD in all 5 grandchildren.

 

I do try to praise him on the

I do try to praise him on the bigger stuff.  If he cooks dinner or something, I'll say "Thanks for putting in the effort."  Or if I do notice something, I'll try to say something about it.  "Thanks for doing the dishes tonight."  or "Thanks for going to the grocery store."  But I just can't constantly be praising everything he does!  And if I miss *anything* he's sure to tell me what I missed.  And really, should I be thanking him for buying my Christmas gift early, or things like that?  It's like he wants praise for everything he does.

He sounds a lot like my

He sounds a lot like my husband in that he wants to make you happy..and these things are ways that he feels should make you happy. Seems a bit like taking the easy way out (buying Christmas present early..instead of changing some hurtful ADD behavior) but have you seen the posts on here from members who say their husband either NEVER get them anything or they box up an old watch that they've so valiantly put a new battery in? :-/ Maybe that's one 'positive' way to look at it..he does not forget you.

My husband is a people pleaser..to a fault..to his own detriment sometimes. It makes him happy to give 'stuff'. Remember, I 'mentioned' his love of "STuFF" recently? LOL This is how he differs from me. I like to give gifts too, but it takes on a whole new level of meaning for him. His wanting acknowledgment for getting your gift is probably just him wanting to feel he's doing something right...something good. Something that makes you happy. Just my guess.

Christina re: praise

Yes, we have this at my home.  I do not mind praising him for every little effort, but I do wish that he would return the kindness,  if only occasionally.  

I once had a beautiful chicken slaughtered; brined it, rubbed it with fresh herbs and roasted it (with baby redskin potatoes, pearl onions and carrots underneath to catch the juices).  When I pulled that chicken out of the oven, it was GORGEOUS.  If there was such a thing as roasted chicken porn, it would've been the centerfold.  My husband came in from work, wrinkled his nose and said, "I don't like to eat chicken on the bone."

 I ended up cutting the bird in half and giving it to my piano teacher.  Didn't want it to go to waste, and it was a large bird.

I have no problem at all

I have no problem at all giving my husband praise for anything he does...because many ADDers are told all of their lives that they are stupid and lazy. "good for nothing" was something my husband heard a lot during his childhood (father) and first marriage...or something to that affect, anyway. His self esteem is very broken. If me saying thank you to him and pointing out how much I appreciate his efforts is all it takes to help heal that, I gladly do it. I love him. I want him to feel good about himself. Him feeling bad about himself (shame, guilt) is the root of about 90% of his issues...therefore...him feeling bad about himself is about 90% of MY issues. If I can help this by showing him that he is a good person (he is), I do appreciate him (I do), and that we all make mistakes from time to time (we do!) then why wouldn't I? A year ago I was with Melissa...I was waiting for the proverbial bus to run him over. Once I changed my entire outlook on the marriage, saw how destructive my anger was, I was able to see things from a whole new point of view. I didn't see him as a human..I didn't love him as God's child. I was too angry and bitter about how my marriage had 'turned out' to see anything past the tip of my nose. He has done some very hurtful things..things that I'm still healing from a year later...but I have a lot of guilt for the way I treated him.

Amen...

to the idea that one way to heal the hurt of so many years of being told one has done it wrong is to say "thank you" even for the small things.  It is a selfless and to-be-admired act of kindness you give each time you say "thanks" rather than "well, I do that, too, how come I don't get thanked?"

nomorebadhead's picture

not just your husband

my wife has adhd and we just recently found it has been the cause of much of our fighting, but the guy chore recognition thing isn't just your guy we all do it . in fact there was a Jeff Foxworthy sketch about exactly that. just be lucky he's doing anything compared to many of these other posts by women you don't have it that bad! :-}

Up and Down - for Rev and Wayne

The changes that your husband is showing right now, and your being scared, is part of how all this works.  One reason you are scared is that "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know."  In fact, people generally gravitate towards what is average for them.  Which means that you may find yourself fighting (perhaps unconsciously) any changes your husband may start making because they will feel...ODD and unfamiliar.  What to do?  Hold your breath and count to three before interfering (try to not interfere at all, in fact).  Encourage his changes (he'll experiment and maybe fall on his face some of the time...embrace that as progress rather than view it as an indication that things aren't really going to change after all.)

Give him every incentive you can to see the doc and start the treatment.  When he does, add this tactic - smother him with love.  The combination of his seeing improvement on the meds AND your positive response could be the "shift" you need in your relationship.  I guarantee it won't be a straight line forward - there will be bumps, probably many of them - but it will be the right direction.  Need some support about whether it could work?  Ask Wayne how he would have responded if his wife had tried it...

waynebloss's picture

Re: Ask Wayne

"Ask Wayne how he would have responded if his wife had tried it"....I would have been very puzzled if she started showering me with love!  Since she has not done so in a year, I would step back and wonder if she started taking medicine or smoking something?  It would also be hard because I did not change or start my changes until we were both deep into the anger and the hurt.  Like my wife said when we had our "talk" recently, after she saw that my changes were for real, she started to feel less stress, less angry and started to forgive. My changes started to REALLY happen in Nov of this year which is 5 months after she told me I needed to, I started meds and seeing my counselor.  I will tell you that when she said those "nice" things about me, that she did notice and was not just being cold and mean, it made me feel even better about me that I WAS doing what I thought I was but not too sure. 

She still does not thank me for the stuff that I do or "remember" (after I look in my ADD book!) to do, but the satisfaction that I get from remembering or doing it WITHOUT being told adds to my successful changes.  I do not know what or how the shift started, maybe we were both at the bottom and no way out but up or if we actually approached our situation like adults, but I feel the shift happening for the better. 

Last week, we moved furniture around in the living room and had to take down a picture.  She left it against the couch and for 3 days it sat there.  She did not say anything to me about hanging it and since I moved downstairs I hardly get to see it, but the kids and I were watching a movie and I noticed it sitting there.  So I hung it over the couch where she wanted it and did not say a thing.  4 days later as she is sitting UNDER the picture, I asked her if it was too high or did she want it moved?  She turned around and had a startled reaction, she never noticed that I hung it!  She said she was sorry she did not notice and that it looked fine.  I just laughed, said thank you!  I did not need her "thank you" for this, I had satisfaction on my own that she did not have to tell me to do this!  I guess we are all different, but early on in the relationship if she would have showered me with love I do not know how I would have reacted, maybe we would be in a different place now, I do not know.  I will say that "thank you" means more to me now then a kiss or a hug.  It shows that she is actually noticing and giving me positive feedback. 

Lets hope and pray that we continue down this positive path! 

Wayne

Wayne re: ask wayne...

Thanks, Wayne.  You know I do value your responses because it does help me get a much clearer picture of what my husband might be thinking/feeling.  I know that he is feeling pretty demoralized right now.  I am not being cold or mean to him in any way.  But he is nervous that I am just going to kick him out.  I am, and have always been very careful to notice the things he does that are helpful, and I always thank him.  I know that right now, I just need to recharge my OWN battery, before I can do a full-court press on giving him positive strokes.  Holding pattern right now...