The rapture of being alive.

I am trying to make out in my own mind, what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I find myself at this point crazily OBSESSED by my husband's distracted attitude and lack of any emotion/action/feeling/responsibility.  What is going on here?  I had the idea that for a marriage to work, each spouse did have to do some compromising and supporting the OTHER.  This has not worked for me.  And as I look back, I try to think, what WOULD have worked?  As it turns out, I think I did the best that could be done by anyone.  BUT I am left with this notion of, "Where did that really good and interesting and independent person that I once liked and was....where did she go?"  She joined in with ANOTHER person to build something TOGETHER, but the other person just TOOK rather than CONTRIBUTE.  

I hate the term codependency.  But since I am so OBSESSED about trying to figure my way out of my totally unacceptable emotions and feelings, I am motivated to obsess for now to get a grip on my life.

"Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It's kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn't sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that's what it is. It means you're trying to make the relationship work with someone else who's not."

I can gain my own independency back by laying strong boundaries and becoming "selfish" (in my opinion) in my choices.  That, to me, means to not be in a relationship.  I did not know myself well enough to choose the right person FOR ME.  I wanted a relationship of two people who were willing to negotiate, partner in decisions and care for each other's well being.  I am not of the ilk to play power games and enjoy the thrill of winning over another in squabbles.  I am leaning about co-dependency anyway because like it or not that is the situation I am in because I care more for the relationship than dh does.  

I remember before marriage the MANY times I felt the rapture of being alive. It was taken for granted that when I woke up, I felt the presence of LIFE inside me that shined out of me.  I had been a creative enjoyer of the awesomeness of LIFE!  Today I find myself Googleing things like "Man's Search for Meaning".  I feel sucked dry and existentially empty and like the author of "Man's Search for Meaning", I feel imprisoned. Yet, I COULD open the door and walk out.....why don't I walk through it?  I don't know.