The rapture of being alive.

I am trying to make out in my own mind, what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I find myself at this point crazily OBSESSED by my husband's distracted attitude and lack of any emotion/action/feeling/responsibility.  What is going on here?  I had the idea that for a marriage to work, each spouse did have to do some compromising and supporting the OTHER.  This has not worked for me.  And as I look back, I try to think, what WOULD have worked?  As it turns out, I think I did the best that could be done by anyone.  BUT I am left with this notion of, "Where did that really good and interesting and independent person that I once liked and was....where did she go?"  She joined in with ANOTHER person to build something TOGETHER, but the other person just TOOK rather than CONTRIBUTE.  

I hate the term codependency.  But since I am so OBSESSED about trying to figure my way out of my totally unacceptable emotions and feelings, I am motivated to obsess for now to get a grip on my life.

"Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It's kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn't sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that's what it is. It means you're trying to make the relationship work with someone else who's not."

I can gain my own independency back by laying strong boundaries and becoming "selfish" (in my opinion) in my choices.  That, to me, means to not be in a relationship.  I did not know myself well enough to choose the right person FOR ME.  I wanted a relationship of two people who were willing to negotiate, partner in decisions and care for each other's well being.  I am not of the ilk to play power games and enjoy the thrill of winning over another in squabbles.  I am leaning about co-dependency anyway because like it or not that is the situation I am in because I care more for the relationship than dh does.  

I remember before marriage the MANY times I felt the rapture of being alive. It was taken for granted that when I woke up, I felt the presence of LIFE inside me that shined out of me.  I had been a creative enjoyer of the awesomeness of LIFE!  Today I find myself Googleing things like "Man's Search for Meaning".  I feel sucked dry and existentially empty and like the author of "Man's Search for Meaning", I feel imprisoned. Yet, I COULD open the door and walk out.....why don't I walk through it?  I don't know.  

I may know why you don't walk

I may know why you don't walk out.  I know why I don't.  I don't walk away not just because I still have a minor child at home (she's turning 14 and my oldest is turning 18 soon), it's because I still love my husband.  Through all the ADD, lies, impulsivity, disruption, distraction, rudeness (even though he doesn't believe he's rude), lack of motivation, not handling things himself in a timely manner, all the expenses and troubles brought on by his disorganization and forgetfulness, computer addictions, and criticisms I still love him. 

It may be a bit co-dependent.  At times, it seems I'm putting in way more than I ever get out of the relationship.  However, I still remain positive (and that depends on the time of day at times) that he doesn't mean to do those horrible things that make me feel not cared about the way I care about him.  I still hold on to every piece of good that's in him and the fun, the laughs, the smiles, our history, but it is a constant roller coaster ride.  I have tried therapy, books, communicating in everyway I can think or is recommended but it boils down for me is, it really so bad to walk away from?

The roller coaster is a ride for sure.  Everything is going great, lots of laughs and fun then bam here's an argument for no good reason and ruin the day, the mood, etc... I don't understand it and I constantly have in the back of my mind to run away, just walk away.  I am not trying to be arrogant, but I'm still a very attractive woman, with an education, and a great career.  I have men constantly giving me attention (I even have an old friend who is just waiting for me to become available), but I only want my husband's attention (not that I don't mind still being found desirable and yes it helps immensely when I feel my husband doesn't care enough).

I sometimes wonder, is it him I really love or the idea of him?  Would I still want him if all of his flaws were fixed and he gave me the attention I want?   Or would I find him about as desirable as the men who try to get my attention?  Is it wanting something I can't have?  I can't answer those, I've tried.

I've tried couple's counseling, individual counseling (wondering if it's just me that's screwed up).  I've looked at celebrity couples who can't stay together.  I've seen couples in my life who I don't envy at all and think well at least my husband isn't that bad.  I've thought well, at least he's not this or at least he's not doing that, but I still can't accept that just because it's not that bad why can't it be better.  Am I not worth more?  Can't he see that I'm worth more than he's giving?  Is he really not capable of being more/giving more?  Then it's back to why do I stay?  

I'm always wondering is there more to life than this?  Why can't things just be peaceful?  Why don't I just leave?  Wouldn't being alone or with someone more suited to me be better?  And I'll I have is, I still love him.  I know there is a fine line between love and hate and a few times he was very close to crossing that line.  I know the day he can't cause me to cry is the day I'll be ready to walk away.  Until then I keeping hoping for the best because I still love him.