Sex is a subject that I have read in many posts, with people not getting into it right then because of needing to talk about other issues, but it DOES get mentioned. There has been a running theme that has me interested, because it's also MY relationship with my ADHD husband. The issue being this: Before the wedding, or at the beginning of the marriage, sex is good, maybe not great but still okay, but AFTER the wedding it changes and becomes almost non-existent and for some, TOTALLY non-existent as in my case.
My ADHD husband is on Concerta, KNOWS he has ADHD, but does not read about it or work on ADHD issues. When we were first married sex was several times a month to twice a month to twice a year to now NON-EXISTENT. I tried VERY HARD to make our lives romantic, sexually exciting and worked tirelessly to make him feel GOOD about himself sexually, because I knew he never felt very competent in that area. NOTHING I DID WORKED. I never yelled at him or tried to make him feel "less of a man" etc., but I sure felt less of a woman. I kept myself up physically, always tried to look nice, stayed upbeat and positive regardless of his moods, and even still did the "flirting and sexual teasing that goes on when dating) NOTHING MADE ANY DIFFERENCE.
Sex was ALWAYS over in the blink of an eye, with me left "just hanging there". When I would ask him to "please help me finish", (without getting graphic), he would "sort of" try to help me reach orgasm while falling asleep, and repeating "Are you done yet?". THIS DID NOTHING FOR ME, except add MORE frustration. When I hit my sexual peak around 30, he almost seemed to AVOID me, but he seemed to frequently "JOKE" about sex to his buddies and other people like he was some sort of sexual STUD. (not the case) There's only so many times you can "please yourself" when you have a perfectly good partner that SHOULD be willing and WANT to be with you. I MEAN THEY DID TAKE THE VOWS, DIDN'T THEY? (but the vows have a much different meaning to those with adhd, it seems)
Maybe if the ADHD had been diagnosed years earlier, things would have been different, but he has no desire NOW, and he's on Concerta. (I don't know) I NEVER wanted to be the couple that just "lives" in the same house, but has no physical relationship, but HERE WE ARE.
AND.....TO TOP IT OFF...... I'm the one that has had a sex starved relationship and guess who has the affair?..........YEP........HE DOES. I just don't get it, and since he WILL NOT DISCUSS anything about it.....I am left totally in the dark here. Anyone else been through similar?
I'm the one in the
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I'm the one in the relationship that doesn't want sex. I'm the non-ADHD wife. In the beginning of the marriage sex was good and we had it frequently. But shortly after we were married I found porn on his computer (wasn't snooping, just stumbled upon it) and even found graphically naked pictures of his ex-wife that he had saved. I also had to listen to him brag about all of his sexual experiences in detail so this really ruined our sex life for me. On top of that he hasn't kept himself up, he is out of shape and about 40 pounds over weight. That on top of his laziness and lack of contribution to our finances has made him extremely unattractive to me. I give in occasionally and let him do what he needs to do but I feel like a whore. There is no pleasure for me, not because he doesn't try but because he has become repulsive to me. Maybe I'm wrong but there needs to be more from a spouse than just a role in the hay. I need to have a good relationship with a partner who is taking responsibility for his share in the marriage, not just willing to pleasure me in bed. I'm just not attracted to a couch potato who expects me to take care of him. I know I said my vows, but then so did he. My needs aren't being met so I guess i resent meeting his.
Lauriejs-I'm in complete
Submitted by Lmanagesall on
Lauriejs-I'm in complete agreement with you! He would blame me for not giving him sex, that I was a cold fish and ever since we had kids I neglected him. I felt horrible for years. I would do the 'whore' thing and buy myself some time. Only after a few years of this did I realize that I was not attracted to him. He had no job, I worked FT, ran our business after I got home from work, took care of the kids, cooked, bills, house maintenance, he left me home alone with kids at night while he 'worked' our business (playing pool in bars and billiard halls). And he wonders why I wouldn't have or initiate sex. I finally found enough courage and told him I needed a partner to be intimate with and that I didn't view him as a partner. I used the word repulsive too. He has never let me forget it.
Not wanting it
Submitted by boilergirl on
SEX
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Dede...I was just reading your post from back in March...Also i read the other girls responses to you...There is common theme that fits you all. And it has also effected my life also, even though I'm a man...
And that is a good sex life (one where both parties have no psychological or emotional barriers to giving themselves willingly) hinges on so much more than sex...
The effects of add is not the culprit here...it's the denial, the excuse making, the self-absorption.
A self absorbed person can never clearly see themselves nor can they empathize with another's needs. You can't get a heart to produce what's not in it....