Re: such lonliness

Hi everyone,

   My adhd husband and I have been married 28 years this April, with him being diagnosed and on medication the past 4 years. For 25 years, we were living a REALLY strange marriage (my thoughts), because we didn't seem to have a relationship like "other couples". We went through a LOT of things I've read on this site, and yes those years were extremely frustrating and hurtful. My husband (N) always thought the problem was ME, and would say, "You need to be more intellectual and less emotional", and "You never hear anything right". He was like a tornado in the house, messing up everything and I was always picking things up, but that didn't bother me as much as the emotional stuff.

     N is also a workaholic and totally addicted to his computer. I literally tried every which way to try and communicate some of my needs to him, but nothing worked. I tried saying things lovingly, quietly, then angrily and finally breaking down and just crying, with nothing changing. (I'm leaving a lot out) Anyway, he ends up having a three year affair with a 22 year old, which on top of everything else finished breaking me as a person and a wife. To me, it felt like I was working so hard to try to make a marriage work, and he was defensive, angry, insensitive, refused to initiate or have sex, would put me down in front of others, and didn't have any time at all for me all those years. I'm a tolerant person and tried to understand, but all these behaviors were beating me down in such a way, I became someone I didn't recognize or even know anymore.

     We DO NOT have a sex life at all. It's been over a year since we've had sex, and the year before that only twice. N is not a physically expressive person in any way, but yet he says he loves me. But, not being able to touch and kiss and be intimate with each other REALLY affects me. I am so incredibly lonely and sad. I don't know what to do for myself anymore.

     The past two years, N has been trying to be a really good husband. He's doing a lot of things in the house that he would never do, he's trying to spend time with me watching tv or something, and has changed his defensive attitude to one of patience and more kindness. The problem? I don't know what to do, or how to take this.  I SO FEEL LIKE HIS MOTHER AND NOT HIS WIFE. I want to be able to hug and kiss and be romantic so that it feels like we are husband and wife again, but it just doesn't happen.

     I'm stuck and afraid to put myself "out there" again. I've watched N repeat so many mistakes (did not rub them in), but the effects of repeated mistakes and decisions he's made have made me afraid to trust him again. Does anyone have any suggestions, please?

Dede

Hi. I'm so sad to read your

Hi. I'm so sad to read your story. It seems you've been through so much. My only advice is to seek some professional help and get yourself back to a healthy place emotionally again.

YOu say he's been on meds for 4 years...has this helped anything? You also said that for the last 2 years he's trying to do better...was there something that happened that initiated his willingness to change and be more engaged in the marriage? What is the explanation for the lack of sex?

Would he be willing to go to counseling?

My husband is on Concerta,

My husband is on Concerta, and it has been helping him focus. He says that he can really see a difference when he takes it and when it wears off. Plus, I can greatly see a difference when he takes it. I don't talk to him about anything important in the mornings until after he's had his meds, and he can focus.

I don't know when or why he started to change his behavior. There was a point about 2 years ago, when I made the decision to just stop talking about anything that had to do with our relationship or ADHD. (He doesn't like it when I try to talk about our relationship and refuses to read anything about it, unless a professional tells him to) Maybe he felt that I was trying to "control" him, I don't know. Even when I am careful about what I say, he gets very defensive and shuts down. So, I just stopped completely and he seems fine about that. It seems like we are "stuck" though.

He's always had a  lower sex drive, and I haven't minded that. What I do mind is going several months without having any physical contact. (we've been having sex twice a year, and last year, none) Once in a  while when the loneliness gets to be too much, I break down and cry, and try not to let him see. It  happened again the other day, he saw it and  got angry and told me that I show my emotions too much, and "he keeps everything inside". (he prides himself in that). I don't know what to do now.

  I am very happy that he is trying to be a better husband, doing dishes, cooking, helping with other things, and most of all, he's trying to watch his words and not be so hurtful with his words. (It makes a big difference)