Re: What kind of communication is this?

We had another argument about an issue that keeps coming up. We went out to dinner last night, and I was obviously frustrated but was trying to "shake it off". (didn't accomplish it) Anyway, during the entire car ride, dinner, shopping and ride home, my husband talked about himself, his projects, his work and everything else. (as usual) I was getting frustrated because I wanted to talk about something ELSE, anything else, I didn't care, but just something that had to do with ME instead of always having to talking about my husbands interests.

   When we got home, I went to bed and was having trouble sleeping, so I went to talk to my husband about what was bothering me. He got really upset. He was working on things for his job. (for the next day) He got mad and accuse me of always picking bad times to talk. The truth is, I RARELY talk about what is bothering me because there ARE NO GOOD TIMES or "right times" to talk about these things. I've been told dozens and dozens of times, "You know, I'm not really INTERESTED in talking about this". "Can't we discuss this some other time?" "Do we HAVE to talk about this NOW?" The last time I tried to do this was over a year ago. (but of course I DO THIS ALL THE TIME, he says)

  So, YES, I apologized for "bad timing", and went back to bed, to which he started yelling and said, "Well now you've ruined my night and now I can't finish my work because you got me all upset". It was 12:30 am, and his usual bedtime is 3:00 am or later, and I pointed this out. Anyway, all I wanted to tell him was this: "I want to be able to talk about some things that I am interested in, and have you listen and give me feedback like I do for you." He got angry and said, "I ALWAYS WILL TAKE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOU", "When Don"t I take time to listen to you?" So, I used an example of a few days earlier. We were riding in the car, and I was trying to talk to him about my passion of jewelry making, and he totally tuned me out. He told me, "I can't think about that right now, because my mind is on other things". I have heard this SO MUCH, and FOR SO LONG, that I told him I wanted him to understand WHY it makes me feel like he doesn't CARE about ME or what I'M interested in. This made  him even angrier, and said it was just crazy. He told me that if I wanted to talk about "my subjects", to just TELL HIM, and he will listen. YEAH RIGHT......THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!!

  How the heck are we supposed to communicate with this type of situation playing out over and over and over? I've tried many different ways, different DAYS, different times, etc., and he STILL tunes me out. But, if it is a stranger or someone else who wants him to listen, he is RIGHT THERE, with a very attentive ear, listening and eager to help. I told him about this also, and he said "That is different". arrrrrhhhhh

   What the heck is going on? I am baffled and hurt and don't understand, and today we are both frustrated, and he is mad as heck at me today. What did I do wrong? I REALLY don't get it.

Have you ever tried to say

Have you ever tried to say (during the car ride..or dinner) "I don't mean to change the subject, but..." and start talking about something else? If he interupts, then try "I was not done talking" and see how he reacts? I stand by my thinking that for the most part, a lot of these things can be handled right in the moment they are happening. Sure, if things escalate, you can come back to it later, but for the most part this just requires you just speaking up. I've dealt with some of this lately, more than ever before in my marriage, and I've learned to just start speaking up and saying "I was talking..." when he interrupts me and just continue speaking. Most of the time he will engage in the conversation. For a while, he would engage, but argue with me over everything I discussed. Somehow, no matter what the topic, he had to disagree with me. It was so blatant and obvious that my 12 y/o mentioned it. It won't happen overnight, but you just need to speak up and take control of the conversations a little more. If he tries to revert it back to him, just point out that you were talking about something else...and maybe say "I just wanted to talk about this to get your input" or "I wanted to know how you felt about this".

I have the same problem as you...there is NEVER a 'good time' to bring up anything that he sees as critical or something he is doing wrong in my this is why I think it is so vital to address it when it happens so that they aren't able to evade the issue as easily.

at the moment

Sherri, thanks for saying that. Yea, I need to say things more often at the moment it is happening. I've become so used to him talking all the time and not being interested in my input that I know that part of me has given up on even TRYING to be heard. I'll try what you suggested and see what happens. If he over-rides my conversation and dismisses it, I will tell him. I've done it before, and his response is "I just don't want to talk about that right now", but then go on and talk for another hour about his own stuff. It's rude and it's hard to understand that he isn't doing it "on purpose". I keep reading more and more about ADHD, and it helps. I really wish I could get him to read the things on adhd that affect relationships. The only things he's read about it were the diagnosis, symptoms and treatments, but hasn't taken it any further than that. He actually DOESN'T like me reading about it, or going to the web sites, because he says it makes things "worse". Worse? It is giving me information to be able to act/not act on things in response to it, but he sees it as a threat. I don't care if he doesn't like it, because it helps me A LOT. Anyway, thanks for the post

This took me back to a time I

This took me back to a time I had almost forgotten about...LONG before we knew about ADHD, but when our marriage was more peaceful and it seemed to be more under control. We were in the car one day and were talking and I brought up something and he said "I don't want to talk about that right now". It really hadn't dawned on me before that moment how often he was doing this. It just flew all over me and I said "you know what, I don't always want to talk about what you talk about either...but I do and it is very disrespectful and rude to just blow off every topic I bring up because it isn't what YOU want to talk're my husband, if I cannot talk to you, who the hell can I talk to??" and just refused to talk to him period. He never did it again. I brought it up in counseling a few months ago...about how he had started just changing the subject or getting obviously frustrated when I would bring up certain topics (would seemingly be neutral, so no idea why he would get mad) and she commented that "to ADHDers a lot of the time conversations are just white noise and irritating". HUH?? He said "well, that would be rude of me to never listen to her just because of my ADHD"...HA.

This issue comes and goes..depending on how unraveled his ADHD is. Good luck. Just try nice, be calm but let him know that you would like to talk about something of interest to you both.