Reached the end of my rope

I have been married to my ADD husband for almost 3 years. It is my second marriage. I have 4 children and he has 2 children. I have tried everything. I have resorted going to Alanon because he also has on/off addiction issues. I love him, but he just has too many problems. His ADD has ruined his life and is ruining my life. I am in debt because he CANNOT manage money and blames it on everyone and everything else. When I try to talk to him he gets defensive and makes a million excuses. At one point he had the business account -7,000.00. I almost had a heart attack. I have taken him off the account and did it all myself. Then he slowly starts going to the bank and getting money, then next thing I know there is no money in the account.

Like I have read in many post. Sex is out of the question. I am more disgusted by him than attracted to him.

Since we married my life has become one financial disaster after another. Unfortunately we run a business together. I recently had to just back out of the business. His disorganization is destroying the business. I have decided to focus back on my career outside of the business. Just seeing him run the hamster wheel and never getting anything accomplished drives me insane, as it does the customers.

I have become depressed and gained 25lbs. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and just hate who I see and who I have become. My joy is gone and I WANT MY LIFE BACK. My house is always a disaster. He never finishes anything he starts. He procrastinates to no end and works 18 hours a day - yet he never competes anything nor does he get anything done. It takes him 4 hours to complete what most people can do in an hour. He gets distracted so easily and cannot stay on task, he is always behind and makes promises that he never fulfills.
 

He yells at the kids because they make messes, yet he does the same thing and does not take responsibility for his own messes and unfinished business.

I dream daily of a separation. He needs help, and what I have learned in Alanon is that he has a disease that I cannot fix. I have stepped out and let him deal with his dysfunction, but his disorganization is driving me insane. What ever love I feel for him gets more and more depleted everyday.

I asked a dear friend, who is a therapist, "What do I?  I have passed the point of no return?"  Her answer was, "When you have past the point of no return all you can do is hire and attorney". I am in a no win situation at the moment. We are in the process of selling the business and I am waiting on my children to finish the school year before I make any sudden changes.

I read the post and feel the pain. Really don't know what responses I am looking for, but just knowing others are dealing with same issues helps.

I am ready to be done. I cannot do this past May - NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM! He is destroying my life. And his refusal to get help and take accountability for his actions and to work to get better leaves me no choice but to exit right stage.

Dear Cisbel, I am sorry to

Dear Cisbel,

I am sorry to hear about all of your problems because of your husband's ADHD. Most of the things that you have gone through sound so painfully familiar to me.

I think you already know what to do - wait until school is over and file for divorce, or just separate, if you are not ready for this yet. It sounds though that you have been through hell and back, especially regarding the management of finances. ADHD-ers CANNOT manage money, and money problems is among the top reasons for divorce.
 

I have been having very similar problems with my husband, who is self-employed, and as such, can always hide money and spend it on whatever he wants to. I was wise enough to keep my own bank account when we got married, but we have a joint bank account too, out of which I cannot tell you how many overdraft fees we have paid, simply because he does not remember and cannot manage money.

Last year I met with a divorce attorney just for a consultation and to discuss my options, since we have 2 young kids too. One of the things she told me, after getting a quite clear picture of our finances, was that the longer I stay with him, the deeper he would drag me down. Hearing this so loud and clear scared me, even though I had always had this feeling, especially for the last several years.

In my case, I am convinced, that I need to divorce him, no matter how hard it would be for me as a single Mom, and for my kids. BUT, I have to get my ducks in order first, and pay off some debt, part of which of course was incurred thanks to him ... You always have to have a plan, work on it, prepare yourself mentally, and when the time comes, act on it. At least this is my plan.

Good luck to you and remember to always do what is best for you, because in the end, your kids will not be happy living in such a family, and they will need to have a strong and healthy Mom!

Hugs, you are not alone ...