One of my biggest problems with my husband, who I suspect has ADHD, is that when I express annoyance for something he's done that I think I have good reason to be annoyed by, he just gets angry at me for it rather than apologizing and owning up to it. I guess it's the defensiveness/denial at play, but it makes me question myself so much and I can't decide if I'm being too hard on him or if he's being manipulative. I often wish there was some impartial third party to "arbitrate" our discussions (usually arguments, really) and tell me whether I'm being unreasonable or not, because he makes me feel like I am. Deep down I don't think it's true, but he makes me question myself so much.
For example, last night he asked me to take him to the grocery store after work. I've been driving him to/from his part-time job for the past couple of months due to his license being revoked for a DUI. His job is in another town, so I leave my own job early and wait for him to work his shift before driving us both home. Luckily my job is flexible enough that I can work remotely from a coffee shop while I'm waiting for him, but the whole situation is extremely stressful and I've given up most of my free time in the evenings as a result of it. Anyway, on the drive back into town last night he asked to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things, because he doesn't get out much without a license. I am understanding of this, but after spending so much time waiting for him while he's at work, most nights all I want to do is go straight home. Knowing this, he assured me that he wouldn't let it turn into an hour-long shopping trip (his exact words). After hanging out in the magazine aisle, and then waiting in the car, I was fairly annoyed when he did indeed spend over an hour in the store, and I expressed this to him when he got in the car. He said he'd lost track of time and that he was "in a daze" in the store, but never apologized or acknowledged that I might have good reason to be frustrated by the situation. He just got mad at me for getting mad at him and it turned into a huge argument that seemed totally unnecessary.
There are myriad other examples, this is just the most recent. When I try to express my wants/needs/concerns related to anything that remotely indicates dissatisfaction with something he's done, his reactions are so heated that I just end up feeling emotionally beat up instead of listened to, which causes me to lash out at him even more. I'll get so overloaded with pure frustration that I'll go crazy and lose control of myself, which seems to reinforce his view that I'm at fault. Then I'm left feeling confused, resentful, ashamed, and manipulated.
I know this type of thing has probably been covered in other forum posts, but there's no search box that I can find and I can't read through all of them to find the relevant ones. I just wonder if I'm onto something -- is he manipulating me? If so, is there an effective way to deal with it? I appreciate any insights that people have.