Like reading about a bank robbery and then finding out that you robbed it

My wife was reading up on ADHD because the idea had been brought up regarding our son.  She stopped and said, “Wait a minute…this is YOU.” Finding out I had ADHD was a milestone- my entire life fell into place. I was ecstatic! My wife sank into a depression- it confirmed the hopelessness she had felt. The very next day at lunch I went to the mall to get a present for her, maybe a small piece of jewelry or something. I saw a Barnes&Noble and went in- where better to start learning about ADHD than with a new book? I looked at the titles. I got three books in before I decided I had had enough and was already tired of the idea. Not ten feet away I spotted a book about monsters- neat! Turns out there are some pretty convincing photos of weird sea monsters that have washed up on shore. I got some coffee and went back to work.  I realized how ridiculous I am.
   I found a therapist who did some assessments and said I had, basically, a 911 case of ADD. She couldn’t understand how I even had a career- honestly I can’t either. One time in a self-review I told my boss why he should get rid of me, hire two guys out of college and get twice the work for half the money.
   Here I am, maybe two years down the road, and I am terrified. It is an awful and strange feeling when you have an epiphany and know in that moment that you will forget it and be in the same position in a month. When you realize that you may have caused literally every problem in your 20 year marriage and that your wife is an insane shrew because you broke her while chipping away at her sanity the way a patient sculptor chips away at marble.

I read The ADHD Effect on Marriage- a small victory because I don’t usually finish books. It was tremendously discouraging and painful, and at times I’d get a sliver of hope- it was fascinating to see myself in print. But at the end of it I’m left with, “where is ME?” I mean once you strip away the ADD- what the hell is left? And then I feel hopeless, because in my trail are a thousand million starts and good intentions and brilliant impulses.
I’m not looking for an answer or response; I just want to get on this forum and attempt to participate, been reading a lot of posts.