Reading the "ADHD Marriage" book

I recently found the book and started reading it.  It was like looking at my life.  I was afraid to make suggestions to my ADD husband based on what I was reading because he is so often like a rebellious teenager whenever I make suggestions to him.  I was so surprised when he replied, "I can tell you really love me.  You know me so well and are always trying to help me."  It was so sweet, it almost brought tears to my eyes.  

I have always been so anti-medication for most functioning people, I was never supportive of him taking Adderall.  I also had no idea that he really did have adult ADD.  I didn't know much about it.  I thought he can focus just fine.  I've seen him sit for hours computer programming.  Now, I understand the hyperfocus aspect of ADD.  Since he started Adderall in September, it has allowed our marriage to finally get better.  

My husband has twice had an affair because he was so desperate from an escape from my nagging and the responsibility of making money, taking care of the house, and kids.  When his income from his internet business started tapering off, I begged him to go find a job.  He told me I needed to get a job since I had a M.S. degree and a substantial student loan debt.  I was homeschooling my kids, paying the bills, taking the kids to all the classes, keeping all the schedules, doing all the grocery shopping and housework, etc.  He told me he had a job since he was the one who created the website generating any income at all for us.  However, I was handling all the product orders and emails.  He was obsessed with a new website he was building.  He worked on it for over a year and never made any profit.  It was a never ending escape for him and he could say he was working.  He was also going out to nightclubs and bars 3-5 nights per week because he breakdances as a hobby.

Last summer, he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce.  I came up with a schedule for sharing the house and stayed with some friends on my nights away.  I found 3 part-time jobs and put my kids in school.  I was so angry and so were the kids.  My kids saw him put me through a lot.  My two oldest daughters (10 & 13) are his step kids.  My 13 year old still has a chip on her shoulder towards him.  I knew he was having an affair, but he wouldn't admit it.  Yet, he started spying on me.  He would GPS my iPhone and use the computer cameras in the house to listen in on my conversations.  He admitted later that he was worried that I would have ammunition against him in court and figured he better get some against me.  One time, he set up my iPhone using iMessage to have all my texts go to his phone.  After I found out, I got rid of my iPhone.  All the manipulation and lying made me think he had developed NPD (I've read it sometimes shows up later in life).

I tried everything.  I tried talking to him, begging, wrote him letters, bringing up things we learned at Retrouvaille (a save-your-marriage program we went to in 2011).  Every time I tried to have a conversation with him to work on our issues, he would end up getting overwhelmed with the conversation.  Usually, he ended up saying something he knew would really piss me off just to get me to stop talking to him.  It seemed we could never get anywhere.  Finally, I started ignoring him.  Then, he wanted my attention.  He especially wanted me to have sex with him, but I turned him down for the most part.  He would say things like, "why can't we just hang out and not talk about our issues."  I would tell him I don't want to hang out with him because I was angry.  He would tell me during the day that he didn't love me, didn't find me attractive anymore, or didn't like my personality.  Then, he would wrap his body around me at night.  One time, I was crying and he patted me on the back and said, "Why are you doing this to yourself?"  He refused to take any responsibility for being the cause of my sadness.  He told me he thought we should just stay together, but be able to do whatever we wanted without telling the other person.  I told him no way.  

I think the low point was the day he decided that the internet business money was all his and he turned off my access to it.  He told me he would pay the bills now and handle the business. I knew he wasn't organized enough to pay bills on time.  I was so angry so I went to bed early.  He came in the bedroom and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him.  I lost it!  I started screaming to get away from me.  Then, I really freaked out.  I took pictures of us off the wall and tore them up.  I tore up our marriage license and threw it in his face. I tried to rip up our wedding album, but he took it from me and hid it.  I have never acted like this in my life.  I think he was really scared.  The look on his face was one of fear.  I have always held it together pretty well until that night.  

In September, I told him I had the money together for a down payment on an apartment and was moving out.  I had spent all summer crying and had finally come to accept that we were done.  I was planning to get a 2 bedroom for me and 4 kids to save money and use the living room as a bedroom.  I planned to just have beds on the floors for the time being.  I knew it would be a struggle being on my own and couldn't afford much.  That day, he did a 180.  He asked me not to move out.  He admitted the affair and told me he doesn't even get why he was doing it because he didn't love her.  I found out that his best friend had given him an Adderall.  There was an amazing difference in his ability to even hold a conversation.  He actually talked to me without getting overwhelmed.  I was so scared it wasn't going to stick. 

Ever since that day, our marriage has greatly improved.  We are getting along better than we ever have.