I feel like I'm at the end of my rope (again) with my adhd husband and marriage. He is in deep denial and won't treat his adhd, hasn't taken meds for 2.5 years and I can't be the 'parent' and request that he takes his meds, I get that. We've done six years of marriage counselling, to no avail, done Melissa's seminar in 2014, read the books (well, I have), done workbooks together and subscribe to the weekly marriage tips. I always had this hope that if we just tried better and learnt more about adhd and it's impact on us, we would be able to have a happy marriage. But, I can't remain hopeful anymore. I also can't make him see that it's his adhd. He feels just fine as he is. He won't acknowledge the parent-child dynamic we've spiralled into, and his typical behaviour is retreat, retreat, retreat. I'm just so. . .. . tired and exhausted.
We are generally good throughout the summer months when he isn't working (he's a teacher), but as soon as September hits and the stress of teaching, commuting and coaching are added to the mix, his symptoms become unmanageable. These include the anger and frustration, the procrastination and distraction around marking and report cards and planning, the lack of interest in me and the put-downs and belittling attitude towards me. Also - any intimate advances on my part are generally shot down. I've been conditioned to now only expect sex when he wants it, not when I'd like to initiate it. I feel like I'm craving touch and connection with someone. . . anyone!
I've tried to stay 'lovingly detached', but I feel like now I'm just detached and barely love him anymore. Add two small kids, demanding jobs for both of us, and a house that's on the market but taking so long to sell and I'm breaking down. . . I'm also the one to keep the place clean for viewings, do the grocery shopping, cooking, pick up/drop off the kids at daycare, and keep our finances in order. He's too busy to do any of this.
I try to keep my chin up and just get through this understandably stressful time, but it's always stressful for us. It has been for over five years.
Without him taking any action on his adhd, are we doomed? I don't want to wake up in five years and be in the exact same place. I don't know how to get him to wake-up to this, without taking a trial separation.
(btw: I've done work on myself. Regular couselling sessions, self-care, accupuncture, having an independent life).
(his denial stems in part from deep shame and a father who's undiagnosed and unmanaged adhd left him unable to hold a job, or leave the house, or care for his family in any way).