This post is aimed at people in long term ADHD marriages. People who likely have children together, who feel that their spouse is an incredibly beautiful person but for the ADHD behaviors, and people who love their ADHD spouse and absolutely hate the fights.
There's a lot of great information on ADHD online but nothing I ever read told me the absolute truth. I only learned the real truth when my ADHD wife of ten years told me that she wanted to separate from me over another of many fights over money. We have two amazing boys together, one of whom also has ADHD.
Let me cut straight to the point: your ADHD spouse is happy despite all the disaster in the household - the same disaster that drives you crazy and made you come here to post. When you figure out WHY they're happy despite the disaster, you'll understand.
They're happy because they have people in their lives that they love, and that is the most important thing there is. If you're working overtime and worn-out to the bone and yet still broke all the time, it's natural to get mad about that. But ask yourself this: who are you earning the money for? Why are you putting in the crazy hours?
If your ADHD spouse refuses to take medication for it and talking about it becomes a fight every time, then ask yourself this: everything you fight about - would you rather have the money right or the house clean without them around, or do you realize you're doing it all for them, and you need to learn to shoulder the extra burden with a smile because the burden means there's someone there who is worth the burden?
Online they tell you that ADHD spouses want to be loved as they are. That's right. They don't love being broke anymore than you do, or having things a mess. But they love you. If that's not the most important thing to you, then by all means, get out. But if love is the most important thing to you then all you need to do to go from being miserable to being happy is change your frame of mind. Start thinking like them instead of trying to have it the other way around.