Realizations despite constant questions- not just ADHD

I haven't been on here a while because frankly, I got tired of being so obsessed and in pain with his symptoms and behavior that I stopped living my life and enjoying how amazing MY life is. 

After much research and breaking down his moods, actions and recent ups and downs, I have realized that my H is not just suffering from ADHD but also bipolar and he also has Narcissistic traits. None of this can change unless he decides to get help and he is dead set against it and that shuts him down every time. The last things that opened my eyes were so strange and unacceptable. 

My sunglasses screw came out and he said he would fix them for me. I didn't know that he saved the screw in a piece of duct tape. Fast forward, to a wonderful peaceful morning at about 7AM, he gets home from the gum and he asked me if I threw the duct tape out and I said I didn't recall but I have thrown out pieces of paper before since he is a hoarder so I told him I would look in the trash and low and behold, there it is. A tiny piece of duct tape. He proceeds to get upset with me, get in my face, ask me interrogation style why I threw it out, why I throw his things out, called me absent-minded. He sent me from peaceful to panicking, crying and anxious. Not again I thought. I let him control my emotions. He then tells me that this is the second time I threw this tape away and he had to get it from the trash once before. Then he asked me WHY WHY?? I yelled at him "How would I know why if I don't even remember doing it in the first place!?" So it ruined my morning and he kept calling me at work and finally text me that he was sorry. It has been 26 years of this emotional craziness. He calls ME absent-minded but he has ADHD. O...k...

He took forever to make a threshold for the livingroom/kitchen and so after 6 months of asking and reminding, I hire a local person and paid him $100. It was done. When he found out, he flipped his lid. He said he was irrelevant and said he is my head and I should have discussed it with him since he could have done it for much cheaper. So I told him that its been a while and I have reminded him and I wanted to take something off his plate (ha, in other words just get it done since he has ample time in a day) and he was so upset. He then said that he has to LEND me $2,000 for my car repairs and I go ahead and spend $100 on the apt. All this because he asked me how my day was and I said that I did the wash and mopped and also got threshold done and waited for the repair man. Side point, I did all that housework while in a cast after achilles rupture tear. He was so upset he didn't care about all the work I did at home. 

Now about this $2,000 loan for my car. He has money in his account, I do not. It's weird but he has gotten 2 settlements from his moms death and other things and I never felt ok asking for money. He huffs and asks when I will pay back. I have always bailed him out when I can and he has needed and I am happy to. Anyway, I offered my year end bonus to pay back the loan since I need my car to work and was going back finally after my surgery. So he wanted to buy a cargo van as an extra vehicle (luxury) even though we can live without it. He proceeds to tell me with a huff and puff "great there goes my plans to buy the van" and then he said it again when upset over threshold as mentioned in the previous paragraph and finally when his friend who was selling his van called him, he said he would love to buy it but he has to pay for my car. O..k. Enough. I borrowed the money from my sister and told him to go ahead with his plans. I was disgusted. 

So yesterday his girlfriend asked him for $1300 loan and he text me to "run it by me" so I said it was his money and at least he has it to lend her. He said he feels the same. And so he had her fill out a contract and is lending it to her. I am stunned. Does he NOT realize the WHY I borrowed rom someone else? Does he NOT see that he loaned her $700 less than what his wife needed and made her feel like a burden? 

I found out he bought a trailer that I don't know about, is going to renovate it, for what I don't know since we go no where and perhaps that is why he wants a van. He also bought $500 worth of euros at our bank and paid with our joint acct by accident so I found out. I don't get it. 

He also made a compilation of his art work and had it made into a book. He is a great artist. When I saw that he dedicated the first page to his "biggest fan", me, that was real nice except for the fact that it was my face but he photoshopped me into another womans body complete with long hair, long nails and a thin body. It always hurt me that he didn't just use my headshot and I have many nice ones. It is worse now when his friends see it and ask who that lady is and laugh when he says its me, or at least my face. He has never done a portrait of me either. 

I am not amused and frankly I am moving on with my life and living as a single woman in a marriage. He has taught me to be self reliant, defend myself, be non reactive, which are things I am still learning to do. He is very smart, a genius but I wonder if he is that obtuse or just has an evil streak. He says he loves me and I tell him I don't feel it. He says that is not true since he does love me. How can a person feel loved when others are treated better than they are treated as a spouse? 

I am grateful for my life, family and friends and my relationship with God. I have a great job and I am blessed. He on the other hand repels everyone, the tolerate him, try hard to look at his good qualities to bear it. They see that he has a good wife. He is always mopey or extra happy, incessantly talks, obsessed with government scams, always trying to teach someone and then when they counsel him, he goes into this victim mentality and stays so quiet that its awkward, chin tight and makes everyone ask what is wrong with him. You can't win unless you ignore him and go on with your life. That is my new life now. No guilt, no apologies, I will not allow him to mistreat me anymore. I will stand up for myself and rely on myself too. He has lost so much since I am not in love anymore, all I have is compassion for him which is also tested when he is a monster. When he sleeps and is at peace, I look at him and wonder what he could be with meds and therapy but he will never agree to it. He has sabotaged his own life since everyone can see his behavior and he doesn't change for anyone. Of course there are those who have seen his generosity and charm and those put his on a pedastal since they don't have a lot of dealings with him but me and close friends know the deal. So very sad to feel this way about my husband when I see how kind he can be and how funny he can be. He has wasted his life and is almost 49. Me, I have just begun to live. 

Much love....