I have been reading everyone's posts here like they were water in the desert. I am not happy to see so many going through struggles similar to mine, but happy not to feel alone in the issues I have. My husband has ADD/ADHD, always has. It used to be more manageable but he was injured and now has a brain injury on top of it, and so his short term memory, some common sense and emotional filters and ability to empathize are pretty much gone. He won't remember putting laundry in the wash 2 minutes before. He won't remember the answer to a question asked 2 minutes before. He has bulldozed over my feelings and needs so many times now I am loathe to have any interaction with him at all.
He hyperfocuses on saving money, car engines and other mechanics, and whatever other "flavor of the week" he gets into. Politics, the environment are biggies. He was a Republican when we met, I a Democrat, and now he has swung so far left of me I can barely see him from here and he lectures me on organics and recycling, things I have done for years, like I am Enron or something. He talks AT me, never to me. He asks how my day was, only so he can launch into a full tirade of his day. He will not remember my two-word answer but will expect me to remember something on quantum physics (ok, I exaggerate) that he spoke about a year ago.
My biggest issue is the fact that I have my own issues. I have had chronic depression for years, seen therapists and psychiatrists, switched and manipulated medications, done yoga, improved my diet, started journaling, ANYTHING I could to continue moving forward through what some days feels like swimming in rapidly hardening concrete. My therapist stopped taking my insurance (we are NOT poor by any means) and when I was actually suicidal, my husband spoke soothingly of "whatever you need, of course we can just afford to pay him" and then proceeded to bully me about trying to get reimbursement somehow, and kept "forgetting" I already looked into it and unfortunately, no I could not. So now I have stopped seeing THAT therapist (after 10 years, on and off) who actually has done me a world of good and must begin a search for a new one. I also started getting regular massages, found a new place that would give a steep discount for a monthly membership. Explained to husband all the studies on massage being good for people with depression yadda yadda. He again, makes soothing noises about "of course you should, it is good for you" and now that I am no longer threatening to jump off a bridge he implies that I am spoiled having these things and why do I get them? If I have a physical ailment I should see a doctor that is covered by insurance. What do I have to be stressed about? And then two days after implying I am a spoiled princess suggests we should get his and hers massages for Valentine's Day. And we NEVER exchange gifts for ANYTHING because he gets too freaked out about trying to get presents. So now I don't know where the heck he is coming from. We don't exchange presents unless YOU want something? Is that how it works?
I have tried to help him. I work in a social services field, not as a social worker myself but I am fortunate to have access to a wealth of information. I have worked with a brain injury expert and been given referrals for terrific neuropsychiatrists who could diagnose and assist my husband, called them myself to be sure they would take our insurance, etc. and he won't go. Won't admit he has an issue. He complains about his ADHD alcoholic sibling all the time, and I have tried to let him know I have the same issues dealing with him as he does his brother, but he won't grasp the concept or won't admit to it. So yes, from someone who has been medicated and in therapy for ten years maybe it is funny that I harp on my husband's issues, but I think that as someone who has severe issues herself, who manages to hold a decent full-time job, raise a child, and run a non-profit for kids with disabilities I am doing well because I CONSTANTLY WORK AT IT. I ADMIT I have HUGE issues. If I didn't, I would never get out of bed, shower, feed my kid, hold a job, ever ever again. So yes I am BEYOND pissed that he won't even deal with anything for himself.
I am sorry for the long post, but even if no one reads it, it feels good to get it off my chest. At this point, the only thing left for me is divorce. I can't take care of his stuff anymore. I can't be his calendar and reminder and sounding board and cook and clean when he is not putting any effort into being a partner to me. So he will have more money and I will have some peace and quiet and not have to up my meds from dealing with him.