really tired out and depressed

my girlfriend asked me to read up on some of the things on here in the hope of this shedding some light on my problems (ADD) i must say what i have read some of posts people actually seem to care about people with ADD but on the most part you really hate us reading through quite a few different posts we really get a whipping my problem is this i've got ADD and i feel useless im made to feel useless most of my life i had a shit upbringing 3 out 4 siblings had ADD my mum was an alcoholic my father although my real not blood father was good but used to sit me down and give lectures for hours on end every time i used to misbehave hence i used to shut down well if im honest not really shut down but concentrate every thing else going on but he is still my dad even when him and my mum split but i carry on i have learn't to ignore arguments this just pisses off my girlfriend and i feel  on my own i fight to keep us together not just for me but for my 2 children which since having them its has been my main focus i love them so much i look into there eyes and feel upset to what i am putting them through with my condition the first time i met my girlfriend i knew that she was the one i wanted to spend the rest my life with i love her so much i wish i could win back her affections  but things have bad recently im not violent i work and i run all the day to day bills ,shopping and clothes etc we have'nt had been having sex recently an when we do its feels like im the only one having it which also upsets me i just need her to sit me down and tell me every things going to be ok but the truth of it is everything  going to be ok am i all the things she says to me am i useless not that she calls me useless its just how i feel why does every thing have to go wrong just as i felt everything was going so well now back to first step i suppose but older tired and lonely it probably seems like its all about me here but its hard to look past that when your faced with losing everything that you've worked so hard to get there some many things i want to say to her but i cant get my words out and even when i do she gets so spiteful that it scares me into not saying what i feel its just feels she holds all the cards and its her way or i have to leave so yes do i want to talk about it probably not but will i have to yes  probably so here it rears its ugly head into lose lose position for me we used to talk have fun together and just be a unit now she never wants to go out with me just her friends and if we do go out it turns into an argument it was my birthday sunday just gone ive never felt so bad as i did then she has just lost all interest me and its crap because every time i look at her all i feel is the same way i did when i met her but just a little anger mixed in there to

any comments need a pick me up and some proper advise remembering im uk resident and dont have all the groups they do in the US

Do you have counseling

Do you have counseling available to you? Your heart really seems to be in the right place, you just need to get help (for both of you) so that you can learn to communicate (you say your words won't come out right) and that you can gain the tools to put your feelings into action (having your actions match what you're feeling). She needs to go with you, accept and love you as you are, and learn to communicate differently as well. It truly is a joint effort. I really think you have a chance to save things if you can get professional help.

Good Luck! Keep us posted!

Sherri

waynebloss's picture

I Understand Lossy, I am there now!

Lossy, I know what you are going through and what you are feeling! I have been married to a wonderful woman for 12 years now and the first 9-10 years were very good! Then something changes and I cannot put my finger on it but our lives took a left and have been going downhill ever since. Something was not right with me but as a man I just shrugged it off and did not think about it. Then I buried myself in work and school. I was working full time, working part time (Away from the house) and going to school full time (3 nights a week from the house). Meanwhile, my wife was left with a 2 y/o and a newborn without me there to help, when I came home I went to the office and started to do homework or other things but I did not turn to my wife and help her. After this last 2 years my wife started to change, going out more with friends, ignoring me, stop being physical with me, stopped talking to me. I did not know what was going on but I thought the worst and then I became angry and our conversations turned to yelling, accusing, and saying things that we both did not mean. It all came to a head in Jan of this year, my wife stopped sex, stopped talking and stopped being in our relationship! I still did not know why until she sat me down one day in Feb and demanded that I do or change something's or she is walking with the kids! I had to start going to a counselor, understand that I might have to take meds for my brain, and give her space and time to find herself again! Now I am a nurse and a man so the thought of being weak and thinking about talking to someone about my issues that I could not control did not sit well with me, but I could not risk losing my kids and my wife so I went. Lossy it was the BEST thing I could have done! The counselor diagnosed me with ADD and referred me to a family doc who understood and treated ADD with meds along with counseling. I will tell you that I have started to make changes in my life that I thought I would never do! I am taking Vyvanse which it took about 3-4 months to get the right dose, but once you do MAN it make a difference. I have also started reading everything I can on ADD so I can understand on how to control it so that I am livable person to be with.
 

Now back to family front, I still did not give my wife space and time she needed, I was making the changes she wanted but she did not believe me or them that they were going to stick and I was not just pretending to get her back then go back to the old me. We kept on fighting, not talking, hugging or anything that married couples should do. Then about a month ago some issues arose and it then hit me that she really did need some time and space away from me and us. I just did not get it for 11 months! I was losing her more and more everyday so something had to change, which is why I thank God for smacking me and making me see what she really needed from me! TIME AND SPACE!
 

For the last month I have moved downstairs where I live after the kids go to bed and sleep. My wife and I still do not talk much to each other, we see each other maybe 1-2 evenings a week for about 10 minutes then we separate, but we see each other most mornings helping getting the kids ready for school. Moving downstairs has been very hard on me, not talking to my wife, not being with my wife is killing me but I also know that if I do not give her this I will NEVER be able to do those things to/with her!
So I am telling you from one man with ADD to another, you will have to start concentrating on YOU, making yourself better but you need to do this for you and no one else. As Sherri stated, find a counselor that understands ADD, I am telling you talking about it to someone who is unbiased and understands ADD is wonderful! Work with them to see if medication is also needed, it has been a life saver for me! It is a useless feeling, I still feel that way but you cannot control her or your kids and their thoughts/actions but you can control yourself! You need to make the changes for yourself 1st then change for them! I do not feel as useless as I used to and everyday there is a small change for the better in me, just need to continue doing what I am doing. If my changes show my wife that I will not go back to being the old me and that I am here to stay, I hope that she will see this and that she will come back to us, but if she doesn’t, then she doesn’t, it is something I have to deal with and understand that I had something to do with it and not blame her completely.
 

You need to stop with all the questions and needing the reassurance from her.! You cannot pressure her or ask or anything, need to give her time and space to heal herself!
 

Please stop talking to her about important issues, just stop because you are pushing her away every time you ask. It will be hard but try e-mailing when you need to talk about important stuff. It gives you time to digest what she said and time to think on how to react and it gives her the same. Understand that she will not tell you everything is going to be ok because she doesn’t know
It was my wife’s birthday a few weeks ago and she had talked about a month before about us going out to dinner and maybe a movie but 3 days before the date she texted me to let me know that I needed to find other plans because she was going out with her friends. That stung and I was pissed but understood why she does not want to be with me now. I know I am repeating myself but you need to giver her space and time, treat her as a friend, not a good one but just a friend. Let her see you change for you then she will start to heal herself and maybe you 2 will come together and fight together instead of each other.
This does SUX but I am there with you, understand what you are going through and I am on here everyday reading and trying to understand this “wonderful” world of ADD and how it effects others as well as me. So please keep on here and posting, getting it out, how you feel is also a very good for you!
 

Let us know how it is going and hang in there…it does get better!


Wayne
 

wife not talking

There is much that could be said about both posts above, but the part that sparked a comment from me tonight is the part about your wife not talking to you. Perhaps I can lend some insight that could apply (not saying it definitely does in your situation).

I am the non-adhd spouse and I'm the one who is reluctant to talk too much to my husband.  There are two reasons why I pretty much only talk about the weather, our schedules, or what happened at work today.  

The first is a result of incredible hurt from this past year.  Once upon a time I did share so much about myself, my insecurities, admitting my deep character flaws and philosophies about a wide variety of things.  We used to have GREAT conversations about everything under the sun.  But at the height of our worst times, he used these things he knew against me to tear me down and criticize me and make all of our problems my fault.  I was stunned and hurt beyond belief; this tactic is "against the rules" to me.  I thought we respected each other more than that.  It was pretty devastating to me and I almost walked away from almost two decades of marriage shortly thereafter.  Now that I understand how much ADHD affects his thought processes, I don't hold it against him, but at the same time, I am very, very cautious of what I expose to him for fear he will stab me in the heart with it again.  In my tender/barely-healed state, I don't think I could take it.  Sadly, I cannot trust him with such things anymore.  I hope to again, but I'm not sure our marriage will ever be the same in this area.

The second reason I'm hesitant to speak too much is because he really, really doesn't hear things the way I say them anyway.  I could say that I wanted to paint the floor green and the ceiling blue and he will hear me say that I want a yellow couch.  Again, I was shocked and dismayed, but this time at how much my words spin in his head.  I'm not a bad communicator--honest.  It's not that I don't want to make the effort to communicate; but I also don't want him to feel like a kid when I ask him to repeat back everything he heard me say, especially in relatively casual conversations.  I'm not sure where else to go with that, since he is not willing to seek diagnosis and help for his apparent ADHD symptoms.  Platonic conversation is a coping mechanism for me, I guess.  Doesn't make it right, but that's where I'm at. 

Perhaps your wife has some of these things in her heart too. 

fuzzylogic72's picture

unfair argument tactics

I hear you about the using sensitive personal feelings that you've shared against you in times of conflict. I'm the adhd one, and my non adhd partner did the same thing to me on our trip to Cuba. Such horrible, wicked things the stab you right in your weakest spots. I'm still, two weeks later, unsure if I'll ever be able to forget the hateful things she said to me that night. It feels like I've withdrawn (or my heart/thoughts) have withdrawn into some deep hiding spot within me so I won't ever be exposed to those words again. But now that's happened, it's tough to find that 'spark' that used to be there.

So that mean way of using your weak spots (or breaking down hopes/aspirations) when fighting isn't a practice exclusive to adhd; I've alwasy been on the receiving end of those conversations. Booze is often more to blame than adhd for the cruel words I think, as I don't think my partner would have said those things sober.

good point

I'm sorry you got pummeled too. :(

I'm not sure what you've said good news or bad news for me.  [chuckles cynically]   It's difficult to tell sometimes what is a result of ADHD and what is just human or even gender differences.  Up until recently I thought I was always dealing with one or the other, not being educated about ADHD and all.  The accusations were shocking/wrong enough to make me think it was.  Your comment makes me think of the possibility that he would have said those awful things anyway, ADHD or no, which I'm not sure is all that comforting.  I'd sort of rather it be the voice of ADHD instead of just plain cold warfare. 

fuzzylogic72's picture

interesting dynamic

Yeah, I think maybe both people can almost cling on to the adhd almost like a lifeboat from having to realize it may just not be the right combination; the feeling of failure, and trying desperately to avoid that fear.

dynamic

Can you say that differently?  Do you mean the relationship is not the right dynamic; the relationship is not meant to be because of who we are? 

fuzzylogic72's picture

dynamic

Honestly, I'm starting to think a measure of both, for me at least, but the fear of the pain failure (and prospect of being alone) is what really throws people on the emotional roller coaster. Adhders naturally crave the excitement of roller coasters, so we sometimes seem unaffected, at ease, and often times even more focused) when things are out of control. But under that is the worried and anxious layer (not sure how many layers there are yet).

Anyways, I just hope things go better with you than they are with me tonight; just had a telephone squabble again, so had to just walk away from it. AAAhh if relationships could just be easy!

im back for another whipping

for at the moment this is real effort i shy away from reading as i get very stressed if i read for to long after i made this post the next night i went out to the local pub got really smashed was still feeling like sh*te woke up on mates floor at 11 am knew i was going to be in trouble as i said id be back by 2 am then yesterday took her and the kids first train ride my son the 3 year old was over the moon then we all had a meal in the city which i couldn't really afford but did it anyway there nothing better than seeing them all happy so why can't i stop f**king up all the time i had every intention of coming home on time and knew the repercussions for for my actions but still did it anyway i sometimes ask myself do i like causing all this pain but the truth of it is no i don't i watch it hurt them and that hurts me deep in the pit of my stomach why can i have them that happy every day she asked me if there was something was wrong while we were having dinner there was nothing wrong there at the present moment but i do a lot of thinking and i was thinking can i make them happy all the time and the usual shite that goes round every with ADD (i like the colour of the cider vase wonder if thats nice am going to try some of that not shall i have a beer what do the kids want  the floors got funny tiles  to many people in here hard to relax you know the drill and that goes on every single minute  of my day) its like writing this im about 3 sentences in front of myself and by the time ive got to the first on ive forgotten it and have to read 2 sentences back and start it again but English was a poor subject for me in school it consisted of me sitting outside the lesson because i couldn't concentrate i became disruptive thats what worries me about counseling is i cant sit still for 5 mins look round the room and pick out stupid items from round it oh i wonder what that costs and then say to myself what did he say i couldn't of been that interesting or i would of heard him maybe i should try meds to just help me sit through his chatter this is the good thing about this site i can take things sort of at my own pace except i hyper focus on writing and even though now i have had enough of writing i carry on because  i have some much going on in there at once and will now feel really stressed because ive been at it to long i sometimes i have moments in the day happy thoughts i keep them to myself and that helps me forget about being me had one yesterday infact still keeping me happy now it was looking at my girlfriends face she was changing our son and she looked up at me and smiled  and just in that split second i could see beauty love and everything that was good about our day yesterday i see it our kids all time when im playing with them and when there concentrating on something or even just when there talking to me thats if i can hear them another thing im very bad at is listening to what around me its like im in a trance i can hear noise not really well then i gets louder and then my trance breaks and im with everyone again normally being told off or apologizing saying that i never heard them well thats about it for me today i cant take any more 

talk laterz

LOSSY

ps thanks for replying to my post i am taking all your comments on board