I was diagnosed with AD(H)D back in April of this year(2011). Prior to this profound discovery, the communication with my newly married wife was starting to get worse and worse, some days we speak no more than "Hi, Hello, I love you (seems hollow), Goodbye, and so on. We had been seeing an MFT and myself with anxiety disorder that was masked with an undiagnosed ADHD. My wife bless her heart is a VERY intelligent woman BSN in Nursing, BA in Psychology. She had suggested I get tested for ADHD. I had agreed and the finding was yes in fact I do have ADHD. It shed light on the issues with the communication problems with my wife. At first it was like a feeling of "Oh My God" this explains everything. Seemed to be a great revelation to the issues at hand.
After learning of this Psychiatric epiphany, I made the move to start learning as much as I can, purchasing books, including the one mentioned on this site. I learned an overload of information, suggested to my wife who had heard of ADHD but never had a strong intellectual basis of the disorder. She started reading the books and reading information on the internet regarding the non-adhd spouse and they're experiences. It seemed to just set off a ticking time bomb of emotions, anger, resentment, to name a few emotions.
We have seem to hit a stumble with our own path to making the disorder coexist in a manageable way that is not destructive to our relationship. She has concerns that the steps that I have taken have not worked. Steps include; The meds (Adderal, Celexa), seeing a MFT, seeing a couples MFT who s has the most experience with ADHD in our area. I've been taking accountability for my issues and not blaming anyone for the ADHD & only accepting it and trying to make it work for us. The depression and my initial reactions of shock and awe have passed. As I said before, from what I understand I am doing everything I can possibly to control and dampen the effect on our relationship. The PsyD has told me many times this is going to take time to get the balance of medications working correctly to lessen the effects of the ADHD on myself and my marriage. I have some feelings, hurt, dismay, depressed feelings of responsibility to the issues that plague us. I am at the point with my MFT, the new couple MFT, we can't move any further until something happens with one of the number of things on our plate of issues.
Here is where the underlying issue is, the resentment, anger, disappointment, frustration, and myriad of emotions on her side. I have a constant guilt about what I've done passively to the relationship, and it hurts. Knowing that I was the one who brought this into our relationship pains me more then I think I could ever tell my wife. The thought that I emotionally hurt her is a huge blow to my self esteem.
This leads me to my questions given the limited background (I could on for days regarding this), where do I go from here? I feel I am on a waiting game with the PsyD with regard to Rx's, a waiting game with the MFT's to what is the next step. However the frustration, anger, resentment, etc, just keeps building it seems with no end in sight, my wife has started to see her own MFT to work on some of her own issues, but this is not even close to being at a point we can both agree progress is being made. I want the resentment to go away, and I truly want her happy. Moreover I want us happy. However it seems elusive. What else is there I can be doing, the responsibility that I have to correct this is very clear to me. Working past the initial shock and awe was hard, and I know there is a ton of things I need to work on but I can only do one thing at a time, otherwise I obviously 19 things get started and not finished.