recently discovered husband has Adult ADHD


My husband is 40 years old. We've been married for 5 years, together for almost 15, and have a 4.5 year old son. We've recently realized that my husband exhibits many symptoms/behaviors of ADHD. It came to a head about a month ago, when I had him hospitalized in a psychiatric ward, because he had become extremely manic and was not making sense to me. He came to learn that he was experiencing extreme racing thoughts. The things that led him to that place were in summary:

  • being fired from his family business by his mother 3 years ago, this was our sole income and we had a young child and a mortgage.
  • he worked in this business his whole life and thought he was in charge - his mother wasn't happy with his performance or his lack of communication with her and decided to end the business relationship. Needless to say this was VERY hurtful and scary for my husband and myself. 
  • I decided we needed to move from our current home to where I am from, 1500 miles away, so that we could be near my family for support and I could go back to work as a full time graphic designer. 
  • We moved, found a nice house in a nice community, I found a very good job making more money than we were making before, and my husband stayed home with our son - who was almost two at the time. He would be the primary caretaker, and work on fixing up our house. and think about what he might want to do for a job when our son got a little older. 
  • This past summer, he started becoming more and more overwhelmed. He turned 40, our son was in school part time, and I was reminding him that once our son was in full day school, he should think about what he'd want to do for a job. 
  • The house was not being kept clean, getting more and more full of junk. I began to nag more and more, and withdraw from him, because I was resentful of his behavior. 
  • He began drinking more and smoking pot more (he's always smoked pot to deal with his "anxiety", and to be honest it never bothered me, and I thought it helped his moods, and ability to get his chores done)
  • I drink wine regularly, but my father was an alcoholic, so I have a hard time with my husband drinking one or two too many. 
  • At the beginning of october, his mother was coming to visit. And it turns out he wasn't as ok with that as he thought, so I think that combined with all of the above, pushed him into a nervous breakdown of sorts. For about 4 days, he was talking non stop, about thinks I coulnd't really follow, the house was a disaster, and I was freaked out. 
  • I asked him to come to the doctor with me, but he dind't want. 
  • I ended up calling the local police for help. After speaking with him, they called an ambulance. And he was talking to the ER in restraints. 
  • It was very scary, and I felt awful about it. 
  • He was hospitalized for 1 week, and got very little help. 
  • He saw his primary care doctor a couple of times when he got home and began to realize that while he didn't feel he needed to be hospitalized in that manner, he realized we had a problem. to him at that time, I wasn't listening to him (which I guess was true)
  • We started seeing a psychologist together. I described the things that brought us to there, and he described some of the things he was feeling. She said it sounded like ADHD to her. 
  • We were a little shocked by the assessment - it seemed too simple. 
  • But then we read a list of 100 questions in the book driven to distraction. and he could answer to yes to about 85% of them. 
  • He continued seeing the therapist on his own, but he has been resistant to medication until last week, he decided he would try it. So he's waiting to talk to his GP to discuss getting a prescription. Our psychologist can't write Rx. 
  • That bring us to the present. We went to my mom's house for thanksgiving. He was VERY nervous to go, as it was his first visit since his hospitalization. It didn't go great.
  • He and my mom don't have a great relationship. She doesn't understand him or his ways, and can be pretty judgey and passive aggressive. I usually interfere too much in their interactions and cause more stress. I also tend to defend his behavior. 
  • We were supposed to have xmas at her house, and she told me today that she doesn't want him to come. I was very hurt by this, but she is right. He's not ready, she's not ready. 

I guess the reason I am here, is to here that there is hope for us. Can finding the right medication help him get along with people better, or is that just wishful thinking. 

We are tired of fighting. I tend to need to control things, and I have been getting so impatient with him. He wants to be better so badly, but can't seem to get out of his own way. He's also very impatient with the process of finding the right tools/treatments. 

I guess I'm just looking for encouragement. We don't want to split up. Advice, info on medication, tips, anything needed!

Thanks for "listening"