So i figuratively had my wife put a "gun to my head" and tell me she was not in love with me anymore and she was thinking about leaving. This was the same conversation we have about every 6-9 months, but this time it was different. We live a good life, based on what I have read I am a high functioning ADHD'er. I own a successful company, have two great kids with no symptoms that I can see, we live in Newport, RI and my father in law lives with us. My wife is a beautiful, smart, organized and driven woman. She is also the adult child of an alcoholic, and her mother passed away 11 years ago and she was likely bi-polar/manic. Needless to say before I rolled around, my wife was already the parent. Recently, her father came ill and she just turned 40. She looked in the mirror and said "is this my life" I have a husband that won't listen, pay me attention, would prefer to drink beers with his friends and I do not feel safe. ( all questions many of us have asked over time) As she approached me with her feelings, i was initially blind-sided, I mean I know we were not intimate, but I am not abusive (other way around) I carry my share of the workload around the house and I had cared for her ailing father when she was forced to travel. All the while her only sibling was hiding north of boston (for the second time- first was when her mother was sick)
Anyway, I was pissed, how dare she say that she does not love me anymore, how could she not, I have taken care of her sick mother and father ( he has lived with us for the past 7 years) I am an earner and people around us think I am a great guy and fun to be around. What I failed to realize was that I was not satisfying her needs what so ever, to feel safe and to feel loved. (I did not recognize this until I had a gun to my head)
So at this counseling session and seeking follow-up opinions discover I have adhd. Boy did it make a lot of sense as I look back on my academic career, my dependence on alcohol, the symptom-response-response environment in my home, it was my wife and I to a T. I am currently seeing an individual counselor that specializes in ADHD and my wife and I are currently interviewing (for lack of a better term) couples therapists.
One of the challenges or (things that i am obsessing about) is that I feel that my wife is not interested in being a willing participant. She said so in our first meeting with a therapist and I will chalk that up to anger, not knowing I was ADHD and ultimately not knowing if she can take the "pushing the rock up the hill" life anymore. I get that I do, but I am also 100% committed to doing whatever I can to improve myself and hopefully our lives together. I have not yet confided in her that I was prescribed medication to help with the ADHD for fear that she will view it as a scape-goat (response) I have not pressured her into seeking her own individual counseling which I feel would do her a world of good. I guess I do not know where to start to open up to her in fear that she will not listen and respect my thoughts ( this is ironic because I have 10 employees that would run through walls for me).
I am sending her away next week for a solo vacation for 4 days and I want to write her a letter with all my thoughts and where I am coming from, so she really has something to think about while away from the hassle of home (Should I?) or should I let her marinate and just relax. I want her to read ADHD and marriage book, but this is something that she needs to want to do on her own. Lastly, I know she is not having an affair, but I am having a tough time living in the present and not creating worst case scenarios in my mind.
Any advice would be great,because I am eager and hopeful that we can turn this ship around with a lot of hard work. She is a remarkable person and I want to grow old with her.