Submitted by lonelywife40 on 01/24/2011.
Just wanted to post a finding of mine over the weekend. Not sure but I believe it was published in 1994 its is called Answers to Distraction by Edward Hallowell M.D. and John J Ratey, M.D. This book does cover both children and adults with ADD. The book is all answers to frequently asked questions about ADD.
After reading it this weekend, I felt that I gained a new outlook on my DH's ADD and how he feels about himself (he doesn't speak about his feelings AT ALL and doesn't express feelings outside of saying he doesn't know or that he feels numb) due to the ADD. I plan to implement some of the suggestions in the book in order to help improve what I say and how I say it to DH and hopefully, this will help improve our communication.
I will add this to my
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I will add this to my list....just taking Driven (from and to) Distraction both back to the library...got an audiobook to finish about codependency...another Ren recommended...and then I'm reading Melissa's...so I will add it to my list. I'm glad it helped you!
How are things going?
Sherri, I would recommend
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Sherri, I would recommend finding this book at a 2nd handbook seller - it is nice to have on hand almost like a reference - just knowing that some of the things that I am experiencing are things that others experienced and that there is a "sound rational voice" of reason with an answer - its very grounding for me anyway.
Things have not been the best lately. DH is so withdrawn still - dinner tonight for example. The first time in over two weeks he ate dinner at the table with the rest of us. Only you'd never guess he was there. He was completely unplugged. No conversation he just pushed the food in and when he was done, he left the table and went to the computer. Wouldn't join the conversation about the kids days - wouldn't even listen to their day. It is what it is. We just keep moving on with life and he "pops" in and out as he wants. He still isn't sleeping, we still aren't speaking (not more than a sentence or two per day - really.), he still isn't on any sort of schedule and he is still having outbursts (about one a day). Last night he tried to kick the dog all because she was trying to get into the garbage. Thank goodness he missed - the sandel went flying, hit the picture on the wall and richoted off that and landed just short of my child. Of course he thinks nothing is wrong with this behavior and my son is upset with DH for trying to kick the dog and calls him out on his bad behavior. The two begin to argue - son says you don't kick an animal; that's just wrong. DH replys: I only tried to kick the dog, I missed. And round and round they went. I remembered to call a "time-out" and they each had time to cool off. There was nothing I could do but ask DH to agree that he won't try to kick the dog again - he finally agreed. DH was stuck on the fact the he only TRIED to kick the dog but didn't ACTUALLY kick the dog. So DH wanted to argue that point over and over. It was so sad to watch - DH just didn't get it and my son realizing that he dad was actually wanting to kick a dog.
I do feel that I am continuing to make progress though. I haven't felt frustration over DH actions and am feeling happier each day - with just normal day to day life (its more difficult on the weekends when he is home all day, but Im working on that also).
DH has kept his counseling meetings - so far. There is still another 2 weeks (min) before they address the meds issue - not sure what they are planning on this front (if they will try the old meds or new meds or no meds?)- at this point, its not any of my business.
I am trying to keep my mind straight as far as DH is getting counseling (step one) and I will just have to see what will happen next. Since DH isn't good at gathering and relying information and I am not seeing the counselor I do not know what the plan is beyond the next 2 weeks. Which is okay, I know that I can (and will) handle whatever comes next.
So yes, I am feeling stronger, more confident, I rarely feel angry (YAY!) and when I do, its fleeting and I am able to break it down, process it and handle it.
Thank you so much for all your support and words of wisdom - have you thought about becoming a licensed therapist? - You'd be terrific as one!
How are things with you and your DH? Are you finding answers through the individual counseling? Have the med's evened out with DH? Or did he switch from Concertta? Let me know how you are handling things.
(((HUGS)))
Although I am sorry to hear
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Although I am sorry to hear he is in his shell still, I am happy to hear that you are making the best of things and getting your emotions in check when necessary. That's huge...you should be proud. I am praying that the next two weeks are as painless as possible for everyone and that eventually your husband gets on the right meds and things improve. Are the outbursts any 'better'? (less frequent, shorter duration, less irrational?)
I am doing OK. Well, not really. He did stop the concerta early Dec and started Vyvanse. At first it seemed to be better, but the irritability side effect is very obvious once again. He has denied it, saying the meds just give him the 'focus' to stand up for himself, but he did admit the other day that they make him an "a$$hole". Our copay went up, and I told him I guessed it was worth it if it helped him, and he jokingly texted "it helps me be an a$$hole. lol". I saw nothing funny about it...and was glad it was a text...so I could cry without him knowing. (this used to really bother him, melt his heart, now it just unravels him).
I HATE these medications. They have stolen my husband. He is a completely different person now...and my only options at this point seem to just be accepting the new him. Distant. Never home...always working late. Cuddling doesn't matter to him anymore, where it meant the world to him just a few months ago, before meds. Spending time together doesn't happen unless we've got money and can go out and do stuff...otherwise we are at home...or I am at home and he's got 1000 excuses to run all over town. He has even started doing this on the weekends.
I have gone from feeling like he could not wait to get home to me to feeling like everything else 'out there' is more appealing to him. He called at 5:30 yesterday saying he had to run back by the office, talk to someone, and he'd be home. Two hours later he calls, says time got away from him, he would be home soon....almost another hour later he got home. No more texts throughout the day...he used to text and/or call frequently. Only after he blew up at me for being upset feeling like he was ignoring my texts and he told me to "get off of his back!!" about 5 times in 2 minutes, did he take the time to explain that "now" (since medication!) his mind doesn't 'work that way'. He cannot text and work. He cannot multi-task anymore. Fine, I'm not 15, I can accept that...but why not explain it instead of threatening to quit your job, yelling and telling me to get off of your back, and acting like I am making your life miserable for being upset that you don't answer my texts anymore. I'm perfectly willing to listen and try and understand.
I have prayed and prayed that God will give me the strength to not go back in my shell and put my walls back up and tried to just have Faith in Him that somehow things will work out. I didn't make him coffee this morning. I felt anger that I haven't felt in a very long time. I am not proud that I 'sent that message'...that I let my anger and hurt over power my compassion. I do feel like I have tried to maintain my emotions, I have tried to stay true to the wife I want to be, I have tried to reach out to him and tell him how much he's changed and short of beg him to stop the meds, I don't know what more to do. It is only getting worse. His interest in his marriage seems less and less each day. His time at home grows shorter each day. Although I admit I see him trying really hard to control his irritability, it still hurts when he cuts me off completely when I'm talking about my first day of class and he says "I've been waiting to see this part!" of a TV show. We have DVR. Pause it.
I'm just hurt. Probably not in the most rational state of mind right now. This is not my husband...and I don't know what to do.
Sherri, I have just a second
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Sherri, I have just a second but wanted to let you know that I will post a reply later today. Hang in there, your not alone. (((HUGS)))!
It is comforting...and sad to
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It is comforting...and sad to know that I am not alone. I am having about 1-3 days a week now where I simply am ready to walk away from it all. To further complicate things, I am not allowed to EVER talk about ANYTHING marriage related to him until he gets home from work...and then the kids are always around, never time alone, etc. I would ask for scheduled meetings every night but I'm scared to ask for anything at this point for fear I'll only wind up sitting alone at the meeting while he resolves the next crisis at work.
I know that he has to work over, his job is demanding, but I do feel that it isn't ALL that. He is agreeing to do computer work after hours again...and on weekends...and he swore he was not going to do that anymore. That was part of our agreement when we reconciled. He also does not manage his time wisely...is distracted by people during the day...so he gets more done when everyone else is gone. I can accept that, to some degree...but it has gotten completely out of hand lately. I thought the f'in meds were supposed to HELP him at work! They certainly aren't helping him at home. :(
I just don't know what to say to him...when to say it...how to say it...and this is a HUGE problem that has just started because of the meds and his always being gone. Do I think he would want me to feel this way and not tell him? No. But he has made himself completely unreachable...physically and emotionally recently. We have counseling tomorrow...but the thoughts of going in there and trying to discuss this with him makes me physically ill. I literally cannot listen to him turn it around on me and blame it all on me...and I KNOW that is what would happen if I try and talk about this in counseling. I have beaten myself up and tore myself down to the core lately trying to figure out my role in all of this...and best I can figure is that my reaction to his moodiness (because of the meds) has put a wedge between us. I am killing myself to improve in that area....but I see him doing nothing but going further and further away. I know that his 'further away' is probably not what many here would describe as 'further away' but it isn't MY husband and MY marriage and although things are probably far worse from my perspective than his, it still hurts all the same. I don't think I can adjust to all of these changes...I don't want any of this. It isn't what we promised each other. Where do I draw the line and say "enough" and insist he be home on time...I know he'll swear I'm going to make him lose his job..then I have that added worry and guilt.
This sucks.
I agree with you this sucks.
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
I agree with you this sucks. You didn't ask for this, you don't want this and your exhausted trying to make it work on your own. I hear you, I get it.
I didn't realize how bad things are right now for you - if you are looking at 1-3 days a week where you want to chuck it all. How about your counseling sessions? Are you getting anything out of them? Our counselor said that until DH is stable our marriage counseling is on hold - which makes some sense (if he isn't healthy enough to handle himself then why try to add marriage to it). Does your counselor understand about what you are experiencing right now? DH and the long hours and ignoring you, ect? I can't believe that a counselor would not step in and try to help set boundaries to get the lines of communication open again.
The time issue is really hard. How about over a cup of coffee in the morning -before the kids are up? I know how hard it is to bring this up in counseling because of the way DH has dealt with it in the past with you but, counseling is suppossed to be a safe place for both of you to speak and deal with issues. So how about making a list of the items that are a problem. From that list pick 2 that need immediate attention. For each of those 2 items list 2 solutions (that are fair to you and DH). So say the working on weekends/extra computer repairs (1) he is able to only schedule to repair computers for 4hrs on either Sat or Sun twice a month OR (2) he can repair computers on either a Sat or Sun all day (8 hrs) but has to choose that one day for the entire month. What you get out of this is some schedule. You would know when to expect him home and what day he will be gone - which helps to plan your time and family time. Next, Long Hours at the office - (1) Pick 2 nights that he wants to work late or (2) have him go in early 3 days a week (before co-workers are around) but end the day at 5 pm (or whatever is a normal hour to end the business day). Again, this gives you a bit of a schedule to know what to expect and he is able to still work and do work when others aren't around which he is more productive. I think you get the idea. Then have your list and bring it with you to counseling. This way you are able to get the issues out on the table with solutions without so much emotion (I know, I have been there). In my experience I have found that my DH and i will fight about an issue, he will bring that issue to counseling the counselor will agree with me and DH will then work a plan to implement the idea/issue. Its like DH doesn't trust me enough to agree, but when the counselor thinks something is a good idea, then DH is all on board.
You know what, I don't think you should be worried about whether or not your DH would want you to feel this way and not tell him. Not right now, anyway. See, DH isn't who you are used to dealing with. It sounds like DH is hyper-focusing on himself right now. And we know that nothing we do right now will break that hyper focus. So you focus on how you are feeling and how to change those feelings without him. And I get that you feel he is moving further away from you and the marriage, but are you being the "chaser"? When I was the chaser my DH would retreat just as fast. I no longer chase, yes he is completely in his own world where he isn't responding to me, but I don't feel that rejection from him because Im not chasing after him to get his attention. I know how hard this is, I used to be able to share EVERYTHING with my DH.
I had a terrible childhood. As a result I grew up way to responsible, serious and untrusting of others. Until I met DH. He made me feel safe, secure, loved and trusted. We were each others best friend. We loved being together, we could talk for hours with each other about anything. We loved being together. We agreed on just about every important subject. And the few that we didn't we agreed to disagree or let each person deal with the issue. We were very happy. We did have issues. We did have problems communicating and physical closeness but those issues never caused problems like this. He has never retreated from me like this before, never been so cruel in his words and deeds, never been so ice cold and withdrawn. So when the ADD became out of control and all of these nasty behaviors and actions came out I fought like hell and was made as hell that I was losing my best friend. It took a long time to understand my anger and hurt (it still hurts but I can contain it) and how I was making it worse. I made it worse by trying to communicate with DH like we did BEFORE ADD came into play. I knew how he would feel, think, respond to things then. But now, I haven't a clue - because he isn't that man any longer. And since he isn't, I need to find a new way to communicate with him. I can no longer rely on him to get me emotional support. So that is why I say not to worry about what he would or wouldn't feel about things. I hope that one day this will all change back to the way it was BEFORE ADD. It is a coping skill; one that I need if I decide to stay or go in this marriage.
As for what is reseasonable for him to come home from work? How about since you know he will throw the "Ill lose my job" line at you, then ask him to not take side jobs on the weekends - that you need time and the kids need him and you all need family time together.
Are the changes that you mentioned still taking place on Feb 1? How are you feeling about that?
PS - the comment that you made about DH saying that the meds are giving him the edge to stand up for himself - yeah, my husband said that exact same thing! He was a jerk to most people, most of the time. But his "reasoning" was that he is sick of being the "nice guy that gets walked all over" and that there is nothing wrong with him. Oh boy! This hasn't changed since hes been off meds :(
Okay first off let's look at
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Okay first off let's look at the behavior of DH - back last fall I had similar complaints about my DH (always running off here or there, isolating himself in the garage, only interested in doing what he is interested in, going out on our "date nights" and him interested in only doing what was interesting to him - if not then he was in an awful mood and would make the evening just a plain disaster. I finally had the AHA moment when during one of the dates DH was more interested in the crap on the clearance aisle at Walmart than ME. The night was a series of him running from one place to the next barely waiting for me to be in the car before jetting off to the next place. And when we would get to the next store - he would wander off leaving me to scout the store to find him. Great date night right? Yes, I think the I finally realized that I should be more attractive to him than a pile of useless junk that no one else has been interested. So I tried to talk to him about this. When I offered that we need to not go shopping on our dates and we should do things together that helps us to communicate and focus on each other. WARNING THIS NEXT PART REALLY HURT: DH reply was that I was the problem because I was essentially boring and that if he is going to go out then he is going to do something that is new and interesting and different. That if I didn't want to do new and interesting things with him then there is no future for us. Okay, ouch! My reply was this - You are chasing the dragon - meaning that just like drug addicts that are always chasing the next high- rather than searching for contentment and peace. I am interested in connecting with you and running to chase the next high is not something that I am interested in and will not help us to connect. In addition, learning to be content with life and yourself is where happiness resides. I do enjoy going and doing things (golf, bowling, movies, walks, ect) and I have done everything that DH planned. What I realized is that he was planning the events for HIS entertainment not as an opportunity for us to reconnect. And when I called him on it he was mad or embarrassed. Anyway, date night is still tough for us - we have had a date or two that were nice (so on the right track anyway, but of course that was months ago), but I feel better about having spoken up for myself rather than just going along to get along and being completely ignored. Do you feel that way with your date nights and DH? That as long as there is money to go and do things than DH is willing but if not then just forget it all together?
I believe Melissa O had added a comment about how my DH was somewhat "using" as an excuse and the I maybe letting him get away with his behavior - she was so RIGHT! If you wanted to read her reply I think its under DH running away with his time.
I think some of your DH behaviors fall into what my DH was/is doing. The interrupting you to hear the TV - so WRONG and disrespectful! But so typical of ADDers! i think there is a forum about this. Is there a way that you and he could have an agreement that when you are speaking to each other that your conversation comes first and everything else is second? Do you think that he is able to follow through on that type of agreement? Or how about setting 15 min aside a day so that you and he can communicate without any interruptions or needing to leave for the day,ect and then you will get a chance to express what you need to and talk about some important issues that need to be discussed and you won't feel so ignored either. Just a thought.
Next the always running here and there, working late ect. Yes, I hear you sister on this. DH is the same way. If I had taken him at his word of Ill be leaving the office at 4:00 and planned to go out or make dinner ready or whatever I would have been 3 1/2 hours to early. Dh was suppossed to have last Monday off and decided that he had to much work to do so he went to the office instead, came home, ate, then went to the basement for the rest of the night. Variations include eating, then going to the computer for hours into the early am. Does your DH complain that he has too much work to do and that he is always behind? Mine does - all the time. DH and I used to talk a couple of times a day, just checking in with each other ect. No more - he says the phone calls are interruptions to his day - ok fine. Just like you, I can see that and deal with it as long as you let me know! Do I really believe that is all of it? No. I think that another part is, that when my DH cuts off that form of communication it allows him to "lose track of time" and not have to be accountable (or be relied on) for any other responsibilities outside of his world (work).
I think that the outbursts and irritability are not an effect of the meds but the out of control ADD. My DH used to be laid back and sweet, kind - I can think of only twice (in 20 years) where is was mad, smiling, witty and fun. For 20 years he was this way - I can't believe that it was an act or not really him! So what is the difference? The ADD was in control. Ive been thinking about this for awhile now and honestly, the meds probably didn't help his irritability, but now that he hasn't been on meds for (at least 5+ weeks (His last prescription was filled on 11/10/10 so 30 days puts it at 12/10/10 and its 1/26/11) certain 3 weeks (tomorrow) according to his counselor and he is still having the outbursts, is "down", irritable without reason, not sleeping right, ect. In my opinion, if the meds were to blame then he should not be having these symptoms. And all of the symptoms listed about are common with ADD. I really believe that until my DH accepts, learns about his ADD and takes control of his ADD these symptoms will be part of life - meds or not.
You did note that your DH isn't irritable when not on meds - so that is a positive. Have you talked about the possibility of controlling the ADD using foods and vitamins and exercise for him? There is some conversation about food additives and ADD. There has also been talk about eating proper meals. Does your DH eat balanced meals? Is your Dh talking meds for focus? I have read that many ADD'ers will exercise in the am and then a walk at midday (lunch) and then maybe in the evening - this would eliminate the need for meds. Also there are vitamins for memory and focus (St. John's Wort, ect) Id ask either your physician or pharmacist to see what they would suggest. Maybe this would eliminate the need for his meds and bring back your husband.
I feel for your spot... I know what you are going through (or just about) its so maddening that your spouse is "gone" and has left this alien person in their place. Longing for your loved one to come back. Keep up your prayers (you know that I am praying like crazy for you both too!) they will be answered.
As for missing your husband (I completely understand this) I have begun to address this issue myself. One thing that I found out is that I am not happy (not with him, not with me) so what in that can I change? Me. It is hard - I am still lonely (in a couple sense/missing my partner) but, I am learning to be happier with myself. Its hard to explain, but I now enjoy the way I spend my time. I enjoy reading, I find more time to talk with family and friends about happy things not this relationship, I have opened a new dialog with my kids about responsibility, life, choices and taking care of yourself, I find that the idea of divorce is a lot less scary then months ago - that a divorce would not mean that I am a bad person or a failure. I don't think about getting a divorce to find someone else, I think of it in terms of what would change and how to deal with those changes and realizing that also means that there will be new and different issues to deal with. As you know, I have not made the decision about to divorce or not yet, but I have to be prepared for whatever my come in the future. Divorce or staying married - I have committed thought and time to both equally. I have become much more self reliant. I trust 100% my decisions and feelings-I no longer give DH the power to make me feel that I am the crazy one, to make me 2nd guess my decisions, and to have the strength to stand up for myself and kids by not "buying in" to fighting with him, accepting his behaviors for what they are (childish outbursts, irrational comments,ect) and for the most part ignoring them! I know that his wasn't the man that I married, but this is the man that I have right now. I can't control the past or the future - only the present. I have found that my faith has become so important to me (not something that DH participates in). In my faith, I have asked for strength and serenity, and guidance how to live in a better place than where I have been.
Also, I have forgiven myself. For what you ask? For doubting myself, for questioning my decision to marry the person that I love, for not realizing that if my DH had been who he is now when I married him - that I would not have married him - that marrying him was not a mistake, for beating myself up about the ADD effect on DH and so many other things.
I understand your feelings about not making his coffee this morning - I have been there too. I know you feel that by not making the coffee you arent being true to the wife you want to be. I have the same struggle - I want to do all those same things for my DH those acts make me feel like I am giving him love and care, ect. But I ended up feeling that when I did things like that for him (coffee, making lunches, finding his wallet/keys, ect.) that I was being taken for granted and that was where my anger started. Could you possibly be feeling this way? Like you want to do these things for DH but its not appreciated and add that to his behavior and attitude = you not feeling appreciated? And when you don't perform those task (coffee, ect) then it is a personal blow to what you want to do as his wife? This is a really difficult area to figure out. I still struggle with it from time to time but I try to remember that I make coffee when I want to - without any feeling of needing to for DH or that I should make it because Im a wife, ect. I make the coffee because I want to - period. DH is welcome to have coffee -the coffee isn't just for me, but the reason for making it, is done for me and no other reason. I'm still a terrific wife, even though I don't do those little things anymore. I still love and try to support my DH, I provide clean house/clothes, healthy meals, happy kids, pay the bills, ect.
Sherri, hun, I wish I could physically give you a big ole hug - hang in there. Remember that you are a work in progress (that means there will be good times and then some that aren't so good)- progress toward happiness and peace. Keep believing in yourself.
Thank you so much for all of
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful suggestions and kind words of support. I didn't get a chance to read this until now and counseling was this morning...here's how it went...and to answer your questions...
Back up to last night...since I am no longer "allowed" to text/call him when he's at work (I mean I guess I could, but it would just get ignored..and honestly, I DON'T want to bother him while he's working) I wrote him a note and left it beside of his side of the bed. I expressed everything I said here...I miss him, worry that he's avoiding the marriage, and I am unhappy with him doing computer work on the side (it does not help AT ALL that he NEVER makes any kind of useful money from it since he charges people $20 when most places would charge $150 just to show up at their house).
I gave him a while after work to unwind and then I told him in was there and asked him to read it and told him I wanted to discuss it. I told him that I wanted to talk about it before bed because I had had a really horrible day and that I was tired of having horrible days because I am afraid to talk to him anymore. Long story short, we didn't discuss it..but we tried.
I was a nervous wreck about counseling. It was our first session together in about 4-5 weeks. I texted him prior to our session and explained that I was really anxious about it (something I had never experienced before) and asked him to please not get mad and defensive, that I couldn't handle everything being blamed on me although I was willing to figure out where my part in all of it was...and that was all I asked of him. He agreed. He brought the note to counseling (I did not ask him to..so that was a pleasant surprise) and we discussed it.
Counselor says "what do you hear her saying in the note?" "that I'm not allowed to go anywhere on the weekends, I have to sit at the house and do nothing". She said "No, all I hear her saying is that she misses you. Period." I had a few minutes before he arrived to explain that we were having some serious communication issues because the meds were making him irritable and defensive. (from my perspective). Luckily, when she asked him how things were going with us the first thing he said was that we were having some difficulty communicating. Again, pleasantly surprised.
So, as I got my thoughts together, we figured out together that everything coming at me at once was causing MY system to overload and me to feel helpless and hopeless. 1. He IS a different person since starting the meds. He is defensive. He is no longer able to do his job AND text and/or call me frequently throughout the day. I am afraid to talk to him about anything significant for the first time in the history of our marriage. 2. His working late hours and going here and there on the weekends. In a nutshell, his time at home was becoming less and less...and I feared it was intentional. 3. Our communication issues..again, because (I feel 100%) of the meds. It all happening at the same has left me reeling.
I explained that I just needed time to adjust to everything. He said (in defense of his telling me "get off my back!!") "how do I make her understand that she needs to stop pushing me?" and I asked him "is it possible for you to understand that IN MY WORLD I wasn't pushing you?" I simply expressed that I felt he was ignoring my texts...and in order to save myself the feeling of rejection, I wasn't texting him anymore. I can TOTALLY see why he felt 'pushed' but he needs to see also why I felt it was just an expression of my feelings about the matter. So we focused a lot on "yes, the meds make you different..make you think and feel differentlly...but I'm on the other end of this 'different' stuff and having to readjust my entire way of thinking and communicating" He agreed.
Our counselor was FABULOUS at breaking everything down, making me see his point, making him see mine, and she is focused solely on the communication issues right now. She commended me for writing the note and waiting to address the issue instead of texting or e-mailing him while he was at work..which he HATES with a passion (if it pertains to 'marriage' stuff...he says he literally cannot function at work if we are fighting). She identifies my need to 'fix' everything RIGHT NOW as part of my codependency and need to maintain control over my life when I feel it is out of control...and feels I am on the right track with that issue.
He did not get defensive, he was reasonable and rational and was trying hard to offer up explanations instead of pointing the finger at me. She told him that he needs to work on offering explanations before exploding vs. after exploding. I was fine with and accepted his explanation of why he wasn't responding to my texts lately...but it came on the heels of "get off of my back!!" and a lot of mean and hurtful words. He said most of that comes from the feelings of frustration caused by his inability to put his explanation into words. I get that too...much easier to swallow than feeling like he's just being a frickin jerk.
If I dealt with the man I dealt with today, every day, this would be so much easier. I get that he's just going to have bad days...and we'll have rough patches...but I really hope I start to see this person more often. THAT is my husband. THAT is my kind husband who cares as much or more about my own feelings and happiness as his own. I can only see this as my prayers being answered. So I will continue to pray. :-)
Your comments about date night are depressing...but I know it's true for us too. I planned an early dinner for us on New Year's Eve and it did not go well at all. He complained we were going too early (tried to plan it so we would leave before it got dark out since our 12 year old and her friend were staying with our son), going to eat dinner was apparently not 'exciting' enough for him, and he made far too many negative comments about the entire evening. It just was not at all what his idea of 'fun' was, I don't suppose. It really disappointed me..I had looked forward to it all week..but I guess in the future I will know not to plan anything unless I ask him first. When we do things he enjoys (Comedy Club, out for drinks afterwards) we always have a lot of fun. It is about US and being together. If we go shopping together...I do not enjoy it because he spends money without (seemingly) any thought to it...and since I am not like that AT ALL (even when we have extra money) it just drives me nuts. Shopping is NOT a good date night idea for us.
I definitely think his attention to time is completely destroyed since starting meds. He said today "I only spent 1 - 1 1/2 hours at John's the other day" and he was gone for almost 4 hours. Other things have led me to believe that he has zero sense of the concept of time as well. I'm just hopeful that it doesn't become a huge issue for us..with him working over. The other night he was just supposed to swing by the office and then be on his way...and he got home 3 hours later. He didn't say what he was doing, but he did say that time got away from him. Again, praying this isn't adding to...or doesn't complicate matters and cause the issue of him working late all the time to be worse.
I know I didn't cover everything you mentioned...but I read everything you posted..TWICE. I cannot thank you enough for talking me off of my ledge..or at least trying to. We do need to be going to counseling more often...as I mentioned we were going separately lately and hopefully since we made it through today's session, we can continue to go together and continue to make progress like we did today. Our counselor is amazing. I feel better about the 'never being home/working late' issue. We're working on the communication issue exclusively for a while in counseling. He is trying very hard (and feels he is making progress) to identify the moodiness issues with the meds and trying to control the urge to 'snap first, ask questions later'. Just him ADMITTING he's doing this is HUGE. THAT is my husband...not the jerk who has blamed it all on ME for the past 2 months. Thank the Lord I'm seeing 'him' again.
Again, I commend you on your progress and how you're 'lovingly detaching' (as Melissa says) from the situation and learning to control what you can and accepting what you can't..for now. I still feel he's on a downward spiral (at least partially) from stopping the meds cold turkey...and am hopeful you'll get your old husband back soon. You describing him as your best friend whom you could share anything with...have fun with...etc...I can relate 100%. I do think life circumstances threw his ADHD into overdrive for many years...and still has a tendency to grab him by the throat off and on, but I do feel 100% that the meds are causing the changes I'm seeing recently. As long as he continues to identify it and makes the effort to deal with it..as long as he keeps trying and doesn't get off track and stand by the side of the road screaming "it is all HER fault" then I'll continue trying with him. :)
((HUGS))
YAY!
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Sherri, I'm so happy that your counseling session went so TERRIFIC today! It's amazing how a 3rd party can really make a difference and bridge that communication gap - so worth the while! And it sounds as though your DH is working with you too! Sounds like a lot of progress was made today -- :))
You deserve this break through - you have worked so hard and been so supportive -- KUDOS to you!
And no thanks are needed - we are all in this together. But I am glad that you were able to find comfort and peace in my words. And you are one of the biggest supporters on here! Honestly, you were the first to reply to my first post and you have been here all along - you have become a true cyber friend to me.
Keep me up to date and I will continue to send my prayers and thoughts for you and your family.
((HUGS))
Sherri
Submitted by Sueann on
I think it's funny that I want my husband to do what yours is doing and you want yours to do what mine is doing.
I would love it if my husband took some side jobs (been begging him to for months) to pay for medical expenses we can't meet. Mine is home all the time after work and does nothing at all. He was "too tired" to go to choir practice last night, for example. You want yours to be home more.
Is it possible he's hyperfocusing on work, or on earning extra money? You've talked about how you have financial challenges. Maybe he just feels like you'd love him more if he earned more money.
My husband said in counseling last week that he hears my "If you loved me you'd pay to solve my medical problems" as "I won't love you unless you pay for my surgery." Not true, I just see meeting one another's needs as an important part of marriage. I met and still meet his, and am hurt that he doesn't see the same responsibility toward me.
I am glad to hear your counseling session went so well.
Yeah, ironic huh? Honestly,
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Yeah, ironic huh? Honestly, any money he earns from the side jobs, I never see. We agreed a long time ago that he got to keep anything he earned. That alone motivates him to do it because of his impulsive spending and his NEED to have 'stuff' all of the time. As I said, he's not making much money from it, but it is an extra $40-$50 in his pocket, so he's happy. Actually, the laptop I'm using right now was something someone gave him..for doing computer work. We used to fight a LOT about the fact that he was always doing something for someone, but he has a huge problem with charging people a reasonable rate. Hell, half the time he will refuse to charge anything...and believe you me, the users come out of the woodwork looking for him to do their computer work. It got to the point where he spread himself so thin that he swore he was stopping, never doing it again..only doing it for family, but whenever someone asks if he still does work on the side, he says yes. He even told an old friend recently "if you ever need any computer work, call me". I just don't get why he does this. And the truth of the matter is, he hates doing it, or so he says.
We have discussed it many times..it is a 'people pleaser' type thing..and it makes him feel good about himself for people to tell him how smart he is since there is literally nothing he cannot do when it comes to computers. I just wish he would learn to feel good enough about himself to not need the constant input from others. He did promise me not to do side work anymore, and I honestly think he's doing more than he's telling me (hiding it so I won't be upset).
He told me he wouldn't be long after work last night, had some anti-virus stuff to do, but was still 3 hours getting home after work. I am not sure what is going on, Sueann. He is definitely hyperfocused on something...and right now it just isn't his marriage.
I really do wish your husband would take advantage of an opportunity to earn some extra money....it would mean so much in your situation. I know that it isn't about the money so much as him just doing something to show you he cares and wants something better for you. If he has the chance to do the extra work and refuses...that's just wrong.
I am so tired of him being "tired"
Submitted by Sueann on
His job is not physically hard but mentally draining. When he comes home at night there is NOTHING. He does nothing at home, maybe cooks dinner but that's because he likes to cook. Otherwise just sits there and falls asleep by 10 o'clock. He's physically well. How come the person with hypertension, painful knees and other problems has more energy than him and he's "too tired" to do anything. I am not married to a man but a potted plant! And he doesn't even realize it. He thinks he does way more than he actually does. He'll say he does half the dishes, for example, and he hasn't done them in weeks! I think it feels like he does more because it feels like a lot of effort when he does do something, but it's a lot of effort for me too and I have physical reasons for it. This is why he says he can't do more to earn money. I don't know what the answer is.
Sueann
Submitted by ebb and flow on
My partner seems this way too... And though I understand it can be draining to have such a busy ADD mind I do not know what the solution to this issue is (for them).
It seems that having an ADD brain can leave the person feeling exhausted even an hour after waking some days. And then the whole day is shot! :(
I've often felt that I am in a relationship with a lifeless being... It's so sad and lonely and quiet most days... It's hard to get used to and I'd love for us to be more fun and energetic as a couple. I'm confident we'll find a way around it though (one day).
"And he doesn't even realize it. He thinks he does way more than he actually does. He'll say he does half the dishes, for example, and he hasn't done them in weeks!"
My partner does and says this too... but it's because of his impaired sense of time. It's not the ADD person being difficult and/or making excuses. My partner ACTUALLY BELIEVES he *just* did the dishes when I've done the last 5 loads. I don't argue it anymore because I understand that in his mind that is how it seems. Days whip by for him... he doesn't have a good sense of time AT ALL!
We (non's) really take for granted our keen sense of time... We take it for granted so much that we can't even imagine what it would be like to have a brain that doesn't calculate time the same as we automatically do! (it seems)
My guess, anyhow... :)
...
Submitted by ebb and flow on
... Like, for example, when telling a story my ADD partner will say "I just saw those at the store the other day" and what he really means is, "I saw those at the store a couple of months ago" !!!
He says that the past--in his mind--falls under the category "the other day", no matter how much time has gone by.
Just another example of how screwy it is in their minds when ADD is rampant. ;)
Very confusing during conversation too, lemme tell ya.... lol
This is why my husband
Submitted by SherriW13 on
This is why my husband working over has been so difficult...for me, because I miss him...for him, because he simply had no idea how different our perception of time is. I explained it the other day in counseling. He calls at 5 to say he's only working over for a few minutes and will be home in a bit. For me, that feels like "ok, he'll be home by 6 or 6:30 at the latest" When my phone rings at 7:00 and he hasn't left the office yet, my heart sinks. When I hear "I'm almost done here, just got about 5 more minutes for this ??? to load and then I'll be on my way" I know that this translates into "it'll be at least another hour". All the while, it seems like 20 mintues have passed for him, and for me it has been 2-3 hours. Time CRAWLS in these situations for me, and it seeps by quietly and unnoticed by him. When everyone else is gone and he has no interruptions I am sure he gets hyperfocused on the task at hand and truly loses all track of time.
It doesn't hurt any less though. It is an issue we both have to work on.
Oh..and from the time I was a
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Oh..and from the time I was a little girl I have always wanted to be a psychiatrist/therapist/counselor. I made a lot of stupid choices early on in my life that kept that from being a reality for me. I do like helping people, but I think I often lack the ability to remove my emotions from situations...and this would keep me from being a good therapist, I fear. I looked into it when I went back to school...but short of ending up with $50K-$100K in student loans when I graduate..at the age of 45-48..it isn't an option for me. But, thank you...I appreciate the kind words.
Well I understand that
Submitted by lonelywife40 on
Well I understand that decision you made. But you really are a sensitive, caring and understanding person.
Maybe you might not be able
Submitted by kippei on
Maybe you might not be able to make a living out of it but you can still help people. The majority that need the kind of help you want to give people actually don't go seek it. So then it goes waste. You can still work "under cover" here and with friends and family and help out :)
You guys are far too kind. I
Submitted by SherriW13 on
You guys are far too kind. I would love to do something to help people...but until I get myself together and am strong enough to 'practice what I preach' I will just have to stick with giving my (sometimes unsolicited) advice to whomever is crazy enough to listen.