It's been 3 weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend. It's been hell for me because I still love him so much. I've been searching for answers every second. Finally when I read all the posts here about dating an ADHD man, all the questions are answered.
He is a very special man. Unlike some other ADHD people who fail academically, my ex was very intelligent, smart, did well in school, went to college in Cambridge and did his PhD in Princeton. He was so handsome, so well dressed and so classic. These were my first impression of him. He was wonderful on paper, and 10 years older than me, and financially independent. I went into the relationship admiring and worshiping him, thinking how lucky I was to have come across a man like that, hoping it would be an easy relationship for me.
But it was not. And now breaking up with him is even harder.
I didn't know he had ADHD until a few month into our relationship. I still don't know how seriously his ADHD is and how much ADHD has contributed to our relationship failure. But anyway things were REALLY GOOD in the beginning. He paid so much attention to me, took me around doing all sorts of wonderful things, and called me/text me everyday before I could think of contacting him. It was a wonderful feeling of being treated so well and someone focusing so much attention on me. I was so happy!
Meanwhile I also started to observe some of his weird behavior at some point. We decided to go on a trip abroad 2 month after dating. It almost drove me crazy during the preparation of the trip. It was just soooo difficult to get him to plan/organize the trip and get things booked. So I offered to take over the booking and organizing, but we just could'nt negotiate a fixed plan because he was constantly checking out new travel information and putting off booking flight/hotels even though time was very very tight. Also I started to realize he has problems organizing his life. He was ALWAYS at least 5 minutes late during our 10 months of dating, and forgets things all the time. His room is always in a mess, especially pieces of tiny paper scattered everywhere with his writings/ideas on them. It takes him a long time to do anything, and he gets distracted easily. When we finally went on the trip, things were good and bad at times. A lot of times we would go to a tourist attraction and he would just wander off with his own camera, leaving me behind following him.
I didn't really connect all these behavior to any abnormal health conditions back then. I just thought he was really nerdy, and most very very smart nerdy people have all sorts of weird behaviors. At that time he still paid so much attention to me and constantly talked about marriage, children, the wonderful future life we would have together.....So I sort of ignored the small things and fell in love with him.
Speaking of falling in love, he was so loveable! He was so smart, his mind was brilliant, he was deep, and very artistic. He gave me moments of romance that were too romantic to be true. He gave me so much compliments and made me feel so special and cherished. I felt like he was the most beautiful soul in the world.
The ADHD issue came in when I was deeply in love with him. That is probably why I didn't really realize it at that time. One night in his room, I found Ritalin on his desk. I've never seen it before so I asked him what is was. He seemed to not make a bit deal with it and told me it was something to help him focus and stay organized. I asked him if it's serious, he said it barely made any difference. He said he only took one pill every 1-2 weeks. He seemed to talk about the issue in such a light manner that I didn't get too worried. I went home later and looked up the medicine and knew it was for ADHD. But still I thought he only had problems focusing on minor things and it shouldn't affect other parts of his life. So I quickly forgot about the issue.
Good times in our relationship went on for around 4-6 months until suddenly he became really depressed for a whole week. He was so emotionally disconnected and I could barely talk to him. He was so depressed, couldn't focus during conversations, and was falling asleep all the time. When I asked him what happened, he just said that he was sorting out old photos and had to process some emotions. After a week he got back to his original self.
But from that time on our relationship started to fail. He wasn't as happy or enthusiatic with me as before. He invited me to his best friend's wedding but when the actual date approached he just silently disinvited me. When I questioned him about it, he said he became unsure about our relationship. He said he felt there were still things that don't fit together, and there were things till missing in me he was looking for. That made me feel really bad. I felt assessed and inspected.
He still stayed together for another 2-3 months afterwards. We still did things together, but his enthusiasm faded. He said we didn't do enough cultured things or intellectual things together, and he is starting to get bored with me. He didn't call or text me as often, and barely came to see me. I tried all sorts of ways to do exciting/intellectual things with him, but he was just not interested or focused anymore. In the end he said we were not a good match, and he wants a more intellectually compatible girl for him. However all this while he didn't bring up the ADHD topic, he just said that it's very difficult for highly-intelligent and over-educated people like him to find the compatible girl.
At this point I felt so bad. I felt I was worth nothing, I felt I was not good enough for him. Funny enough, I'm not just an ordinary girl working in a pub or selling burgers in KFC. I'm doing a PhD in one of the best universities in the world. I know about science, art, history, culture, politics etc. I have broad spectrum of interests and know how to socialize with people. He specializes in a narrow spectrum of interests and is VERY good at them, and even though I'm not as good as him in those aspects, I could still understand and appreciate how good he was. However that was not enough for him. He wanted more.
What really hurt me was how I was a victim in our relationship. In the beginning he said he like me because I'm caring, traditional and knew about life. During this process he did really bad things to me including restricting my diet (I'm 164cm, 63kg, that's not fat is it?), allowing me to eat nothing but salad when we go out, and never walked me home after midnight (even though I clearly told him I was afraid). He also said many many things about how it would be good if I became a school teacher or do a part time job after we got married. Imagin me hearing that as a PhD student in a world top 5 university!
Despite all the shit I took from him, I still loved him so much. His depth and genius was too attractive. For a while I thought I was ready to become what he want me to be as long as I could be with him. Even after he became impatient with me and started to critize me, I still thought I could bear with all that because I loved him so much. But in the end the last straw was when he said "you have a lot of valuable qualities that matters to others and to the world, but they are worth nothing to me". After hearing that I forced him to say the break-up word.
2 weeks post breakup I searched for answered. I analyzed all the details in our relationship to see what went wrong, and I just couldn't understand why all of a sudden he lost interest and optimism in me and in us. Then I suddenly remember the little detail about the Ritalin tablets I found on his desk. Then I looked for articles about ADHD and relationships, and now I think I've found the answer.
Most articles are about the difficulties concerning these relationships, but there are also some others saying nice encouraging things. However most people living a happy life with a ADHD partner realize the problem, their partner realize the problem too, and they work together to cope. However when I look back on my ex, he was too intelligent, his academic life and career was too smooth that he didn't realize the downside or seriously of his ADHD aside from the fact that he can't focus and stay organized. His ADHD affected our relationship, but he was not able to realize that and he put all the blame on me, on how I was not the right girl and how I was intellectually incompatible with him. A little bit of him realizes his problems, but he simply puts it as "impatience".
It's a pity that his talent and intelligence blinded him about his mental defects. And it came to hurt me, a caring selfless intelligent girl who was willing to give him a happy normal life.
I hope people would read about my story and give me some genuine advice. How do I get over the fact that I still love him so deeply for all his good? What should I do? What if I get into a new relationship with a nice, warm caring guy, but that guy is never as smart or deep as him and I would never be satisfied?
Geniune advice please! My soul is really troubled!
Yes, some ADHD people are high achievers academically.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I think nearly all of H's family have ADHD. They all have at least masters degrees, but some also have PhD's and law degrees. They excelled at school.
Nearly every one of them has trouble planning trips. They'll later complain that the airfare was too high because they booked their fares at the last minute. Most of them are chronically late, and I mean by 30 to 60 minute or more. Several of them have missed airline flights for being late. They truly suffer from the "now and not now" phenomenon.
I had to scratch my head when one of his sisters needed to buy toilet paper for their home. Every bathroom was out of toilet paper. Their home has 4 toilets, but when she ran to the store she only bought 4 rolls, one for each bathroom, no spares. Who does that? This wasn't a money issue. It was a now, not now issue. Right now, each toilet needed a roll. A spare wasn't needed now.
Same here as to the high
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Same here as to the high-achieving academically spouse with ADHD. My husband was valedictorian of his high school class, went to an elite university, and scored very high on his graduate school entrance exams. He planned to take the medical school entrance exam and would have, I'm sure, gotten into med school if he had taken the test. He spent several years in a Ph.D. program until quitting because he couldn't get going on his dissertation.
Too Intelligent For Your Own Good
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi bc407,
There is a thing called 'cerebral Narcissism" which is subcategory of Narcissism. From the things you described.....this might be the case with your BF.
Some things you said lead me to believe this plus my own experience with someone close to me who I think is this was herself....my sister. She is way above normal intellectually but is lower than average in emotional intelligence to the point at times saying some really hurtful things to the point of sounding mean which she is not. Taking into consideration that I am her own flesh and blood....you would expect someone to be a little more considerate but consideration it seems has nothing to do with it. It is more how she sees things and sees herself at the core of this issue.
I also suspect she has ADD not ADHD which we probably inherited from our mother. I think this distinction has a lot to do with it....more so than I ever did. She is not a snob but sometimes it feels this way. That's part of my suspicion. I know her too well and this is not how were raised or not what is important to her. She really is more anti-social if anything (very introverted) and doesn't put on pretenses but....there is a very self serving part of her which I think has a lot to do with what I am saying. When it stands out.....it really stands out!
And she was an extreme high achiever academically....unlike me. lol It wasn't my focus and that wasn't extremely important to me as it was for her. Her identity is tied to this more that I think she realizes it. She also.....has done well enough and hasn't run into any major problems in her marriage to the point of having to do anything about it. I think she has figured things out enough to be too smart for her own good and not have the need to take it any further than that.
She will say things like....."oh, I'm just not very demonstrative." From where I sit.....not so much. There is more too it than that. She compensated for this in other ways and I would agree....that she had made up it for the most part but not completely to the point of her moments when she will say or do things that are incredibly hurtful without actually be able to see it. If she is called on it....she will think very deeply on it and not get angry or project but she will usually say " I don't really understand? Lots of people are like this.....the old argumentum ad populum defense. Again from where I see it. Not so much.
She's also attractive and funny but very stand offish and highly judgmental at times. She appears very aloof with anyone she meets until she has had time to "check you out." And if you don't "check out".....then you are "out." In or out but no in between.
In my case.....I'm in but she is still very judgmental in this way and rarely changes from her position no matter what you do to try and change her mind.
Taking into consideration that there is a higher correlation to ADHD and Narcissism.....I think it is worth looking at a possible means to explain your BF. I think with her as it was with me.....it takes some extra effort and some work to get that part of us working better than it does initially and if there is no reason to go through this....then you don't change or grow from there. Some of this comes from the fact that my sis did too well and achieved too much and appears to be successful in most of her life achievements but.....if these the things that you place as more important to you and find success at doing them.....the emotional parts don't get developed or grow any more than anyone else. With her ADD.....possibly less? I'm speculating but I also have ADHD and know what this part is like myself.
I'm not talking about a full blown disorder here (not NPD, BPD or anything that I would describe as that severe) but like I said....there seems to be something missing in her ability to empathize well with others at times including me her own brother.
What you said.... That made me feel really bad. I felt assessed and inspected. Very true with her.
when he said "you have a lot of valuable qualities that matters to others and to the world, but they are worth nothing to me". After hearing that I forced him to say the break-up word. would likely be something I can hear her say. Very black and while and matter a fact like......what did I say that was so wrong? It's just how I feel? I don't understand? I'm just being honest? ouch!
However when I look back on my ex, he was too intelligent, his academic life and career was too smooth that he didn't realize the downside or seriously of his ADHD aside from the fact that he can't focus and stay organized. His ADHD affected our relationship, but he was not able to realize that and he put all the blame on me, on how I was not the right girl and how I was intellectually incompatible with him. A little bit of him realizes his problems, but he simply puts it as "impatience".
My T has engrained into my thinking at this point....that what is off is my perception not other people impatience. Even with my wife who admits freely that she is impatient and hard to live with at times because of this aspect about her.....my T has convinced me to realize that my scale of measure is still in how she appears to me......more impatient that she really is. I think this is just part of ADHD and less to do with the other things that you have said.
In my case.....I not had the tendency to see things as either black and white but still.....I've had to stop myself and question the very foundation of my means to access my situation compared to others. This is a difficult concept to grasp even if you don't have problems with empathy and understanding.
If what I'm saying is true....this can be one aspect of his ADD that he simply cannot see has not realized it and thinks everything if under control and there is no need to figure this out any further.
At this point in time....my sister has said this very thing to me and doesn't feel the need to change. I see this well enough in her to beg to differ.
You might look this up and see if it sounds similar to your experience?
PS...Almost forgot.....When my sister was still in high school and college (she is 8 years older than I am)...She had lots of boyfriends early even going back to Jr High School (she developed early and as I mentioned, is attrachtive). I got to know most of these guys and I thought several were really great. One of them became her steady through high school and he was the nicest guy of the bunch. He was the captain of the football team, handsome as hell. they were the "home coming King and Queen" together and you couldn't ask for more. As far as I was concerned....he was like an older brother to me and treated me very well. She broke up with him in college saying he 'wasn't smart enough" for her. I beg to differ. He was plenty smart by most accounts. She met a complete dweeb after that who was intellectually on par with her but....he was a dweeb. Sorry for the judgment but he really was like watching mold grow to be around. She finally decided he was not for her either since he was into the environment and was not interesting for her either. She finally met my brother in law who by my standards....is a bit intellectually snobby himself even though he really is a good guy. A bit superior and condescending for me but who am I to judge.....we're just different in that respect?
If I had my pick of the litter.....her boyfriend that she had in high school that she dumped by all accounts was the kindest, friendliest well rounded all around American guy you could ever meet (using that reference with you from and American kind of point of view lol ). I ran into him not many years ago and he was still the same guy I knew growing up. He was heartbroken I remember. And I do remember when she met her husband now saying "that she was most attracted to his intellect of all things that were important to her." From how I see it...she did well based on the fact that my brother in law did very well and retired early but....they spend at least 1/2 of their time apart living in two separate homes they own. It seems to work but......I dunno?
J
post edit/ cebral narcissism