Reflections in why.

Vabeachgal posted on an old blog post - and something got me thinking from the orignal poster's ideas.


They were steps to a "better 2015" ....  this was #3


"Resolution #3:  Teach yourself self-intimacy.

Self-intimacy is the foundation of better communication between you and your partner.  It is the ability to identify all of your feelings, not just the ones at the surface, then express them in a constructive way.  So instead of saying “I’m angry!” you might learn to get in touch with what is underneath that anger and say “I’m angry, but really what I am is feeling hurt and left out.”  To improve self-intimacy, start by setting three times a day to reflect on how you are feeling at that moment, searching as deeply as you can.  Setting a reminder alarm will help you remember to do this.  (Hint:  You may think that you are good at this, but I have been humbled by how challenging it can be to identify your own deeper feelings rather than focus on telling your partner what he or she should be doing better!  So, even the most ‘in touch’ partners can use work in this area.)"


As goofy as this might sound - I think its a pretty good exercise.  I was thinking about my earlier post this morning, and tried to start pin pointing what the real issue was inside that was causing this anger.  I know that from reading many of the stories here that my H - while he has his own demons and issues, has NOT treated me as obviously "bad" as others have had it here.  He has not cheated on me that I am aware of, and if I am sick - he will make sure I have things I need, such as medicine etc, something to drink etc.  In fact - I would say that there was actually a ton of good about him - even with the ADHD stuff. 


For me - literally the BIGGEST problem I have is his issues of constantly having one foot in and one foot out.  That anytime he stumbles or makes a mistake (be it in his view or mine) its suddenly  - "well, I am broken, I concluded a long time ago this would not work".  And I look at that and wonder WHY then... WHY did you come back to my old house.  WHY did you tell me that you "knew" your life was with me?  Why the lie?  What did you gain?  Was it the lifestyle I provided? 


When I think about that - it angers me, and so I try to get to the core of it.  And I guess  - what hurts me the most is how insignificant that makes me feel.  I have worked so hard, done so much to make things better for the both of us.  All my decisions and all the work I do has been with BOTH of us in mind.  And when he says things like that - all it makes me think is that he cares about whats easiest for him only.  That he doesnt even care enough about me to be one way or the other.  That makes me feel abandoned, like I trusted someone to be there and they aren't and they don't even feel BAD about it.  I know I am a decent person.  I have a good career, I am responsible, I try to do the right thing and do right by others.  I have literally almost ALL the same interests as my H does - so we *should* have a ton to talk about and a ton to do together.  I keep wondering - whats so wrong with me that I could have everything "right" on paper and yet he cant even find it in him to actually do any thing to stay with me.  He *said* thats what he wanted, he *said* he tried - but he didnt.  To him - all that I am, and all that I bring to the table - none of it is as important as something as insignificant as World of Warcraft?  Thats hurtful.  After everything I have done, sacrificed and put myself through FOR him - reading a book about his OWN CONDITION to perhaps make his MARRIAGE better is too much work?  Too much effort?  To "hard"?   So he just gives up? 


Cowardice has always made me angry.  I guess because I am scared *ALL THE FREAKING TIME* about stuff - but I have to face it, push through or pay a worse price.  I am terrified of so many things, and yet - I know when pushing through is worth it.  I dont run, I am not a quitter.  And watching him... quit... over and over, watching him be "less than" all the time angers me.  It hurts me because I *DO* it.  I face the fears that he runs from.  He thinks that only he is affected by what happened to him as a child.  But thats not the case - ALL of us around him are, but he cant see it?  My experience is not nearly what his is - but I am certainly what is called a "secondary" victim.  As is his daughter, his mother etc.  But he runs away from it.  Leaves us to clean up his messes and manage things HE should be managing.


In  many ways I am relieved that this will be over soon.  I wont have to live on those eggshells anymore.  I wont have to feel the stab in my heart every time he chooses to slip back down the hole further.  When he is gone, I will be able to put it behind me.  I will have to do alot of work to recover from this.  I feel like a PTSD victim after all this.  It hurts beyond believe that he can walk around with out feeling any of this.  Its absolutely NOT fair.  He is a vulture that skims off of others kills.  Never doing what it takes to get his own.  And the only care he gives is for as long as he gets some of that kill.  When its gone - so is he to the next one.