H is “going to get evaluated for ADHD” but I won’t hold my breath while waiting. And I expect him to pop a pill but nothing else. He refuses to take responsibility for so many things and has from the start of our marriage, so I think it would be foolish to get my hopes up that he will do any real work on behaviors.
That leaves me feeling a lot of regret. Regret that I didn’t know what it would be like before we married. Regret that I didn’t know about ADHD. Regret that I didn’t see those hints as icebergs whose tops are all I can see. Regret that I gave him so much benefit of the doubt. Regret that I thought the charming, loving, attentive, hyper focus guy was who he really was.
I have been angry for years. Discouraged for years. Lonely and neglected for years. I need to lay my anger down and my regret down. I need to practice some detachment and just find... peace.
Anger I can lay down moment by moment. It is hard but I can do it, and I have done it over and over, and I will have to keep having to do it. I can learn to put up boundaries to help alleviate some of the anger and frustration. But how do I get past the grief? The regret?