From the "Silver Splitters" thread in the anger and frustration subforum

J remarked. And as far as "things that are shiny"? My personal theory on that from my own experience? In's looking for things that give you a "positive expereince" in comparison to the negative once you have in an effort to even this out just by :"feel". If you feel the need for more positive are going to "seek" those more often in the form of "things that are shiny" and fun or rewarding. In the very essence of are doing things to "manage" or offset these experiences which is a form of actually "managing your ADHD" which comes in this form or manifestation.

I've been thinking about this passage from J, as I remember, addressed to Adhd9er. Both of them with ADHD.  

I think the phrase that got me thinking was "managing" That plus J's description of a person seeking to manage himself by counterbalancing negative experiences by looking for things that give positive experience

Which sent me looking for a professional refresher on the dynamics of self regulation (getting yourself and keeping yourself in balance in a good steady state) and relationship regulation, where one partner seeks to get either the other one or the two of them, to do things different, so that the "regulator" of the relationship feels like he/she is in balance in a good steady state.

Part of my dealing with my childhood wounds and dysfunctions included recognizing that as a little kid, yes I did try to do things to regulate terrifying, unpredictable behavior on the part of one parent, especially, but really both of them, too often.  I won't run you the list of what I tried to do to make things go into a good, steady state for me. It didnt bring me security. Life at home remained unpredictable and terrifying.  But as a kid I did try, in my weak, non confrontational ways, to get my parents to not go into their terrible to me fights, and not attack me.  Regulation is about SELF care, not about cooperative creation of something, or is it sharing or co deciding

 So that was my introduction to interpersonal regulation, where one person is trying to convince, explain, badger, gaslight, force someone else, whatever it takes to do something that he or she thinks, realistically or unrealistically, will put that first partner into a safe, good dor the first partner steady, predictable, non threatening, regulated steady state.  Sure there are partners that try to regulate their spouse, for what the first person thinks is the good of the second.  But the secret is that the attempted regulation of the other person always has the piece that if the other person's behavior is changed the first one really believes that things will be better, in balance, for HIM/HER.

I want to think about this some more.  Regulation is not a dirty word.  I suspect that all people who live together daily have to do some regulation first of themselves, but second of the interaction with the other family members.  As J says, its about doing what needs to be done to live in balance.   

But I do think it needs to be seen clearly, who is supposed to get th benefit of the attempt to persuade or the other partner to do something.  It needs to be seen when one in a relation is needing whatever he she needs, and gets into over regulating the other partner.  

There are TWO  people in the relationship who need to be in a good state and in balance.   Not just one.

Anyway, tossing it out there, the topic of adults self regulating, and trying to regulate other people, because they, the regulators, need to be in a good state