Hi, I have been in a Relationship for 8 months, My partner is living with ADHD because we are in a relationship we are living with it together. I love my man. I really do but there is a lot of conflict and confusion in our relationship. I have read about ADHD.
Mess, thats ok I can clean its no big deal, Forgetting things, thats ok I will not point them out or make them too big.
My partner does have a past thing, which I do not want to discuss but it took alot of understanding on my part and real soul searching to come to terms with and accept, He then betrayed me and did the same thing that had caused alot of trouble for him and he had lost all but 1 of his friends. we went and spoke to someone about this problem and he was extremely defensive and it seemed he didn't take responsibility for his actions and certainly didnt understand why I was upset about this. This issue caused me major anxiety. We had gone to see our relationship councilor and he basically said "Marcus walked out of their as if he was perfect and had nothing to work on." This issue continues to be a threat to all he has worked for. Its tough cause after all this rightly or wrongly I still stand by him.
We have a lot of trouble communicating which causes conflicts to escalate, problems to remain unresolved and a lot of confusion he will talk about something and give 3 or so different versions of events etc. We go through a pastern of conflict me wanting to work things out by talking them through, He then withdraws, wont communicate at all blames me for everything, were fine for a few weeks then things blow up and the circle begins again, Things don't seem to get resolved.
He says he wants forever and so do I sometimes i feel hopeful other times not at all.
I like to communicate and love a good conversation,I am an open book to him, I am completely upfront and honest but I don't get the same. my partner communicates facts current affairs etc but doesn’t communicate on a personal level. As a result of this I feel like I don’t really know him. I feel unheard, at times uncared for and often dismissed. We have had a lot of arguments and whenever We try to talk through them and resolve them It feels like they get worse as I do not feel that he understands me or wants to listen. He has made a number of hurtful comments and when I ask what he means he completely shuts down and won’t talk. He is free to express what ever opinion he likes but if mine is different he takes that as an attack on him and he feels that I am telling him he is wrong.
He has made some comments which has made me question our relationship and his values. Some have been scary, some have been really hurtful and some just confusing. This said we have been in counselling to try and work through this stuff but more often than not it seems to escalate into an argument and leaves us sometimes even further apart. He feels that if we have a different opinion on something he feels like I want to make him change his mind, or that I am saying that he is wrong, which can make him turn aggressive.
One day after telling me he loves and needs me a day or so later he told me he didn’t need me and that he “just said that to try and bring us closer”. This really hurt and made / makes me second guess everything he says.
I pointed out that we would have a better relationship if we communicated better and also explained my feelings of feeling unheard and that my thoughts and feelings go ignored. After a session of councelling he tells me that he will work on his communication and withdrawing, Then nothing for a month. I ask again if he would like to do a course, He tells me that he has made enough changes and that he is not going to make more. Then the half an hour later he is booking us in for a course. Now were booked in he says that he thinks our communication is fine. I am really not sure if we are gonna get anything out of this.??
Its so tough we do not have a sex life its just so tough.
I am feeling hurt and resentful right now as I have tried to be there whenever he needed me. He broke his foot and I ran after him for 6 weeks ensuring that he was easily able to get to appointments and made sure shopping etc was done and that he was able to relax and recover. There was also the past thing that unfortunately is still affecting him. I have been as supportive as anyone could be. It took a lot to come to terms with this and I put myself on the line whenever something new related to this arose. But after counseling and attempts to discuss and resolve problems we are no closer to resolving our communications problems.
I am feeling angry resentful defeated and afraid to talk, I feel like I have given my all and made allowances and I am just not getting any clarity.
I love him this said he has some very nice qualities. I want to understand him but It is really tough when I feel like I am doing most of the work.
Can I please have some advice, and please be gentle!
I really worry where this is going, If we are compatible, if this is as good as it gets, at times thinking that I should just look after me and at times trying to look after me. My post is not an attack at him or a poor me. I just need some Guidance or encouragement.
Should I continue trying to communicate or should I give up?
How Do I deal with this?
I just have so many questions.