I moved this comment I made previously as to my own feelings of why my wife does what she does. I could not wrap my head around her behavior and the motivation that I was seeing as quite obvious to me....as self sabotaging both herself....Me......and us together at the same time.
I wanted to include part of how I arrived at this in terms of the first born....oldest sibling in her household. This get's right back to attachment theory once again and is at the root cause or core of her motivations. And of course.....the mother (her mother in her case) had an instrumental part to play in this at the core or cause of it. ( even if....unintentional ) I think the more extreme the failure is on the mothers part (your spouse's mother if you are trying to apply it to them)....the more extreme the behaviors become. That is....as it works within the theory itself.
FYI: You of course....have your own part to play into this dynamic as well in the same way...for the same reasons.
I'm going to venture as far as to say that with my wife...and everything I know pulling this all together....this is exactly what I see in her actions and the reasons behind it even though she can't see it in herself and the reasons why.
More importantly....I see it....and that takes the control away from her and puts that in my court now and can proceed accordingly as I see fit.
For anyone else dealing with the same thing in their relationship with an avoidant personality....I think this might give you a good reference to work from yourself.....and then proceed as you see fit....for yourself alone...or within your relationship.
I might even venture as far to say.....I'm sure of it this time and I have no reason to doubt what I'm seeing anymore. What I do with it....will be determined by using this as my reference in the future. I think it's worth investigating and taking a closer look at the very least.
(a)Shame(d) A little play on words there. I was thinking about this in terms of my wife and I and I realized something I said in my speculating about my wife's childhood family situation and how she ended up the way she did.
Quiet is good (remaining silent or doing nothing) mmmmmm?
Acceptance of reality? mmmmmm?
Letter of the Law? mmmmmm?
I'm thinking.....who's reality are we accepting? And if so....are we right? And should we keep our mouths shut just to avoid what we don't like,....just to keep the peace? Our peace that is?
At the expense of what or who? mmmmmm?
What I said the other day about my wife being a Tattletale on her little brother to save herself was almost for certain true from what I heard from her brother ( I remembered in grade school....little girls usually tattle'd more than little boys in general but this is not saying it doesn't work both ways either.
The law of the play ground (jungle) during recess was pretty harsh on Tattletales and they usually ended up getting hurt by the group mob mentality.(Lord of the Flies) This was very true when I grew up. I remember one girl...who was tied to the tether ball pole with jump ropes and left alone outside crying after recess and the teacher finally figured out she was not back in her seat and had to go find her and rescue her. True story. No one likes a Tattletale for good reason....it's a form of betrayal for the benefit of only one person ...themselves.
But as I thought about this more....I wondered what the Tattletale is really after and has to gain...knowing, everyone will hate them? To win favor and special attention from the teacher....that's what they gain but doing so at everyone's expense.
And what happened in the early infants experience that created a dissmisve/avoidant child? Mom left the child alone for too long and it didn't get it's needs met or enough attention after mom returned from being away from the child. The attention given was either missing or inconsistent and/or un-nurturing right? Probably because Mom was too interested in herself and the attention she needed? Or the mother was too busy herself and wasn't paying close enough attention to her childs needs......for what ever reasons? What goes around comes around?
So why this self sabotaging behavior and where does it come from or originate from and then.....what do you do about it on your end to put an end to this uncalled for behavior?
I looked up Tattletales and found this interesting article to apply here. Just a thought of my own and a possible way to get to the bottom of this once and for all?
The Tattletale.... How to get a kid to stop ratting out his friends.
By Hara Estroff Marano, published on September 7, 2007 - last reviewed on June 9, 2016
I have a five-year-old grandson who has been snitching on his younger friends and cousins. His mother has talked to him about this and has noticed that his friends are backing away from him. She is unable to stop him. Is there any advice as to what she can do to help her five-year-old.
Your grandson is giving about as clear a signal as it gets that he needs attention. Not a talking to about misbehavior. But genuine, unfettered, for-him-only positive attention from his mother.
Every child needs some. He probably doesn't need a lot of it, but if he felt he had more of it, he wouldn't need to rat on those who are stealing from him the time and attention of his beloved mother. It may be that by the end of the day she is just too exhausted to give her son some exclusive time. But he needs it.
Perhaps mother and son can build in a little bedtime ritual that involves just the two of them, perhaps some reading and talk time. The important thing is that this time is set aside every day, that it occurs as reliably as sunrise and sunset so your grandson can come to count on it, and that—and this is really important—it is 15 or 20 minutes with no other demands on either of them.
Mom can't be doing one or two other things. It is time she shares only with her son. If a child knows he has access to his parent—a signal that he is loved and proof that his needs matter and will get attended to—then there is not the need to engage in behaviors designed to, from his perspective, enhance his status at the expense of others.
Children are amazing little creatures. Like all of us, even their misbehaviors serve a purpose. It is the obligation of the parent to figure out what that purpose is.
And it is especially important not to reward the misbehavior—"tattle telling"—with attention, which, unfortunately, your daughter is doing.
Further, from your grandson's perspective, being "talked to" about "tattle telling" is only compounding the crime already committed against him. He's getting chewed out for wanting an expression of love from his mother.
When your daughter begins giving a little exclusive positive attention to her son, perhaps they can use some of their talk time to come up with some really good and fun ways he can signal that he needs some Mommy time (without having to resort to putting other people down).