Submitted by Daisy on 02/01/2008.
I've been married to my husband for a year and a half. I'm 22- he's 23, no kids (ever). We've been together over two years. I have ADHD and Bipolar- but only deal with hypermanic symptoms that mirror ADHD. I take Vyvanse along with a mood stablilizer and an anti-psychotic. No alcohol or drug use, I've been completely stable for almost a year. Before my husband, I could only stand to be in a reltionship for two or three months before I had to abandon ship because I would literally wake up and be completely disgusted with my partner. And even if I was in a relationship I always cheated. And the relationship with my husband was no different. In September I became aware of his infedelities, and behaviors that made me physically ill. We split for two months but reunited because I honestly thought I could see through his flaws and that he would change. There was a short period I had that flutter of love inside, but it was very short lived. The past month I have been sleeping in the living room. I am on my laptop 12-16 hours a day and rarely talk to him. I can not see myself with him sexually ever again. I want out. Since mid-December I have just created this complete dislike for him. He want's couples counseling and thinks I need new medication. I am finally breaking out of a social shell and getting out of the house. So, is this a common pattern of not being able to commit? Am I always going to grow completely hateful of the relationship I have with my significant other? Should I bother with couples counseling based on my past patterns- or is it worth a shot? I honestly don't want to save this, I have a level of resentment and sourness that makes my mother laugh and ask "Why are you still married?"
Submitted by chinesebob on
Relationship Destruction Response
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I like the response of Chinese Bob to your message, and his advice - follow your heart.
First, the computer. This is doing two things for you: it is "self-medicating" you - literally. When you use the computer, particularly for games or things that move by quickly, your brain gets little squirts of dopamine from the activity that act like medication. Feels good, but is destructive.
The second thing that the computer is allowing you to do is completely avoid any kind of positive interactions with your spouse. By soundly repelling him - moving to the couch, staying completely attached to the computer - you are punishing him for his affair, providing very fertile ground for your anger to fester, and ensuring that there is no way for your relationship to succeed (thus proving to yourself that you can't stay in a longer-term relationship).
You say that you have "created this complete dislike for him" and I think that this is accurate - you have CREATED a dislike. It sounds as if you have done everything you can to alienate him - which is an understandable response to pain and disappointment - I can't imagine what it would feel like to believe that I was incapable of having a long-term relationship, finally find one that I'm interested in, then have my partner turn around and screw it up! Nonetheless, understand that if you can create the destruction of your relationship, you are also capable of creating the resurrection of your relationship.
I would ask myself the following questions:
Affairs are very, very common in the first five years of marriage...which doesn't make them any less painful, but does mean that many couples figure out how to deal with them and put the pain behind them. Since you've cheated yourself, you probably have some understanding of the complexity of cheating - and that lots of times cheating is a symptom of something completely different from "I don't love you".
I suggest you consider getting some counselling for yourself so that you can get past the well of anger and pain that you are holding on to. I think that this will do several things for you - it will allow you to understand what has happened to you without personalizing it, will help you get past your anger so that you can deal with your husband more successfully, and help you see in which direction your life should head now. Counselling may help you better follow your heart in a way that doesn't leave vestiges of self-dislike (which I sniff here in your entry) or man-hating. Once you've had a bit of your own counselling, you can make the decision about whether or not to invest the time, money and energy needed for marriage counselling.
If your husband has had more than one affair he may be showing signs of sexual addiction, for which he may wish to look for help, too.
Oh, and to answer your question about whether ADD people have a common pattern of not being able to commit - ADD people are easily distracted, but many of them commit deeply to others.
self-medicating with the computer
Submitted by clancy on