I feel I am at a loss for words with my boyfriend and I need some insight into how ADHD may be affecting my relationship.
Almost a year ago I began dating my boyfriend exclusively. We had been friends for a couple of years prior and I would question his promptness to events and even questioned if I felt I would be able to be in a relationship with someone who is always late. He was so sweet and genuine and I believed he adored me so dealing with his chronic lateness seemed worth it to me.
After doing research I believe that when we started dating he was hyper focusing on me and our relationship. It was GREAT! He was so attentive to me and constantly wanted to be around me. That only lasted for about a month and a half until we started having problems.
He often times does things to people that are disrespectful yet I can tell those are not his intentions. He just doesn't seem to understand how some of his actions are rude.
We are now about 11 months into our relationship and I am at my wits end. I care about him so much but he tells me every few days when a SIMPLE issue comes up how he feels he is "forcing" himself to be in a relationship with me. Yet, we will spend time together over the weekend and everything seems perfect between us. But when he is angry he says things that seem out of character to me. He gets EXTREMELY angry when he is trying to focus on something for work and I am "in the way". He says now he just wants to be alone and he's "exhausted" with all our fighting. He will never admit to doing anything wrong and most recently he pushed a business partner and mutual friend so far with his unreliability that she does not want anything to do with him anymore. To him this is everyone else's fault but his own and he refuses to seek help when he was the first person to mention to me that he thought he had ADD.
I'm wondering if this type of behavior is normal for a person dealing with untreated ADD. He constantly tells me that I'm the problem because I "cannot accept that he doesn't want to be with me", yet we are still technically together and when things are fine between us there does not seem to be reason to break up.
Oh Honey-get out, NOW.
Submitted by Lynn-lost on
Oh Honey-get out, NOW.
Do you say to get out now
Submitted by Cmag82 on
Do you say to get out now because you see similar qualities or because it just seems like the easiest solution?
Everyone tells me to "run" but we also know how hard it is to walk away and give up on someone we can for very much.
I understand about caring for
Submitted by Lynn-lost on
I understand about caring for someone very much and clinging to whatever is good, but, he is telling you who he is. Like Dr. Phil said, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them!" , You must care for yourself, too. So early in your relationship to be feeling this way, dear. The odds are not good at all. If I had heard those comments early on, it would have raised all kinds of red flags. We as women want to nurture and help, and we often get trapped by our good intentions. Imagine if you could, accepting him just the way he is, no changes on his part. How fulfilling a relationship will this be?? Being friends is important, first and foremost. Think of how you would react to a friend telling you those things. Being in a romantic relationship doesn't mean that you tolerate being hurt and disrespected! Unfortunately, a lot of folks w ADHD have other issues related to their self esteem, coping, and intimacy issues. It's just the tip of the iceberg. Don't be the Titanic.
Listen
Submitted by vabeachgal on
If he's telling you that he is forcing himself to be with you , needs to be alone and that you can't accept that he doesn't want to be with you, I suggest you really listen to what he's saying. Maybe the question isn't whether or not the behavior is consistent with untreated ADD (I don't know if it is or isn't) but whether or not you want to continue on this emotional roller coaster. ADD or not, it's behavior that bodes well for a successful long term relationship. The stonewalling alone is a bad indicator.
This is the advice I wish someone had given me and the same advice I would give my son or daughter.
Well of course I agree with
Submitted by Cmag82 on
Well of course I agree with you that this behavior is not right for a successful long term relationship but that's why I am asking whether this is consistent with ADD behavior. We spoke last night about him possibly seeking help for the sake of our relationship but mostly for him. I don't want to just give up on someone I care VERY much for if there is an underlining problem such as ADD.
I've told him myself that if I didn't feel this would ever change I would've walked away A LONG time ago.
Not good
Submitted by bluesky on
I have to agree with the other posters. It is not really about the ADD at this point. There is no magic wand or pill to fix ADHD. From what I understand from much research is that people who really want to get a grip on their ADHD get somewhat better, but they will never be non-ADHD. So the question is again, can you accept this person the way he is.
Cmag82, agree with others also
Submitted by dedelight4 on
HI, Cmag82. Glad you found this site, but sorry you're in this situation. I wish I could tell you that by "loving him enough", somehow he will see what he's doing, but, he isn't right now, and if he's ADHD, he can't until he gets help. (. Dr. Russell Barkley taught me that, and he's an ADHD expert) Before we all knew about our spouse's ADHD, we all thought we could do that, but when someone is in denial of something (whether they have ADHD or not) you can't help them out of it. I even thought that my husband would take cues from me and learn.....he didn't, and he can't. People with ADHD have a brain disorder, which Dr. Russell Barkley, who is on Youtube, talks about eloquently. It would be good for you to watch his videos, and he's pleasant to watch as well, funny and well spoken.
Also, we as people, often, think that if we hang in there and love someone enough through their rough spots, the person we care for will learn and be grateful for us loving them 'through it". It mostly doesn't work out that way. I'm sorry if I sound very pessimistic, because I'm NOT a pessimistic person at all, I'm very much the optimist, but this long term marriage with an ADHD'er who has stayed in denial of his condition, has taken a serious toll on me. It would be good if you read several others on here, so you can get an overall picture.
Really, I don't mean to be a downer, or anything. I would hope your relationship would or could work, but like the others have said, if he is already telling you WHO is he "believe him". Don't try to believe he's better than he is, because he's being honest with you currently. He just may not be in the right place right now, to truly appreciate who YOU are, and love the good and decent person who you are. Sometimes letting go is the more "loving" thing to do in certain situations. I wish you the best, and hope everything works out for you.
Dede
Doesn't get better
Submitted by adhd32 on
Cmag82,
You asked so I'm answering and you probably won't like the answer. You seem young from your post because you are still counting the length of your relationship in months. My advise is do not let it become years before you open your eyes to the man he has shown you he is. Actually his revelation that he is forcing himself to be with you should be enough to make you move on. How hurtful does he have to get before you take the hint?
Trust me that all the love and nurturing and fixing and helping and contorting yourself in a hundred different ways will never cause him to change. What you are beginning to see is the real person he is. This is probably scary for you because now you have to accept that you were vulnerable to someone who was not who you imagined he was. Don't let your version of him cloud your ability to see what is presenting. You are offering excuses for his behavior regarding his disrespectful behavior saying "He just doesn't seem to understand how some of his actions are rude". He doesn't care if he is rude, or if you stay. You are in his way!!! You may want to work on finding an answer to why it is that you cannot accept the fact that he doesn't want to be with you even though he told you so.
Understand that someone with ADD does not get cured and then they just become better. The condition is lifelong and behaviors tend to worsen as stress and pressures build. With the pressures of a life together and its added expectations of marriage, children, home ownership build, the ADDer tends to withdraw and underperform and then refuse to accept that they have a problem. Then they foist blame on the NON partner when the NON partner calls them out on not holding up their end. If you have the time to read through the comments on this forum you will see that many of us have dealt with things as best as we could because we were unaware what the problem was. You cannot imagine how much you can come to resent someone who doesn't have your back. You have the good fortune of knowing there is a problem and a good idea of its origin. Please get counseling, you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them.
Well said!
Submitted by Lynn-lost on
Well said!
Cmag82 Some Things to Consider
Submitted by kellyj on
Being the ADHD man here, I can tell you a couple of things that are true and not true in some of the comments made. But that is less important to you and trying to make a decision. If I can be a sounding board for you and pointing out some of things I heard you say? I heard you say "unreliable". I heard you say "rude to others". And the first one you listed that seamed to really bother you was "promptness" and "chromic lateness" which appears that you have dealt with but only by saying it was worth it, because "he adored me so." And "rudeness" seemed to come up a couple of times but as you say, you don't think it's intentional. But then there is this extreme anger too...you can't ignore that?
I wanted to give you example that you might be able to use to sort this all out and help you make a decision? Or just resolve all these issues and come to a final conclusion that you can live with and act on? You do have options and "leaving" and "getting out now while you have the chance" are options but somewhat fatalistic? Understand, that the people saying these things have had to deal with this for a long time and they are probably at the end of the rope with not much change and things haven't changed much.
This is what I've really come to understand and what I need to here in order to make a change in the first place? There is a lot of assumptions being made that do jot apply to everyone who has ADHD. The one example that came to mind was my own sister. She is undiagnosed so she is a good example here? Out of all the things that you mentioned.....there is only one that I see with her that applies. Chronic lateness. Too this day, that has never changed with my older sister. And it probably never will? But she is responsible and she does make it on time, when it really matters...aside from a few rare exceptions.....she manages to get by and make it where it counts? What that means is....at her job or where it required...other than with her family and personal relationships.
Everything else though that you mentioned, does not apply at all? She never get angry with people...she never blames others for what she did wrong...and she is simply not seeing far enough ahead, to see how her lateness...might be considered rude sometimes? That much is true.
But she has 3 wonderful children that Love her....and husband that Loves her and really appreciates all the other wonderful qualities she has, and for the most part....I;d say her marriage is a good one and even better than most I've seen in a lot of ways.
So I guess this depends on how you look at it. What is "Rude"? What is "unreliable" are all judgments of his behavior from how you see it which they probably do feel rude to you and so that's what it looks like too? The chronic lateness though...there is no judgment in that? Either a person is on time, or they aren't. The clock doesn't lie?
But the one thing that my sister for example has never said....is "I don't want to be with you"...to her husband as far as I know? She may have, but here they are....after 30 years together..and the reports that I get from my other sister and from what I see....I don't see a big problem that her husband or her 3 kids have with her being late all the time? In fact....as a kid growing up with my ADHD mother...we were waiting on her...all the time!! I don't know how many games of Gin Rummy...I played with my Dad.....waiting on my mother and that never changed? In my case and our whole family....that was just the way she was? And waiting for her....was just the way it was? No big deal..par for the course? We..did not see that as rude at all? Annoying yes!! We needed to push her a lot, to get her moving sometimes. And my sisters family says the same thing. They have to push her a lot, to keep her moving and on track so they are all not late to things. And her husband...as my Dad appeared to me.....just got use to that part. That is...and was for my mother too....the ADHD part that never changed?
The only difference between what you are saying is.....neither my sister or my mother....got angry when someone said something or we "pushed" her to get moving? In fact....neither do I...when someone has said to "shake a leg" when I get behind? As long as being late doesn't cause an actual problem.....then in respect to rudeness......rudeness is just not polite? So what? Did "politeness" ever hurt...or not hurt someone or cause a problem?
I'm making a point that I think you should consider here? I've been in a number of different relationships before..and each had their own issues that were not the same from one person to the next. But right now...with my wife.....she focuses a lot on "rudeness". Rudeness...seems to be a really big deal to her? In fact......she will say a lot as she sees peoples behaviors......"that's just rude".
And the fact is.....I never say that about anyone? Honestly. Rudeness in the big scheme of things....is pretty low on my list of what is really most important. In fact.....kind of at the bottom of my list. That doesn't mean I like "rudeness"...I'm just saying, it's not a priority and it doesn't;t bother me that much. I can write off "rudeness" in about 30 seconds and never even think about that "rude" moment again for the rest of my life? That's how ...unimportant...politeness is to me? And because it's just not that important.....I don't react to it if someone is rude to me? Three words that I have never uttered out my mouth in my entire life are "How dare you". Not once...have I..or will I ever say those words? Not even once because I never fell that way ever?
And since my wife has ADHD undiagnosed ( pretty sure ) but that's not all she has.....when I hear her say...well that's "rude".....I look at that and think ...."look who's talking? She who smelt it, dealt it" Because she cannot see how she is calling the kettlle black either? But I don;t see her as being 'rude" to me doing the same things she does with me, since I understand exactly what the problem is? Rude....can only be with "awareness" as an intentional act. If it's unintentional...it can't be rude? Manner and politeness...are intentional acts...or willful acts to be clear. If someone does something without awareness that they are doing something....then it has to be something other than rude...there's just no two ways around that one?
And as far as other people are concerned ( as you pointed out ) Who cares what other people think? They don't have to live your boyfriend...you do. Other people are completely out of the picture....except what you were saying about his business partner and mutual friend? I have no way of knowing what everyone has said or what they have told you....but, if you weren't there to witness these events...then everything you've heard is hear say? Unless you were there...and saw these things that others say.....then that's just their opinion...and their opinion doesn't count. Only yours does....and you boyfriend. Who cares what anyone else thinks? It's not theirs to say..and they don't have your relationship...only you do...until you decide that you don't?
Opinions...are not even worth rhw paper they are written on? Actually...even less than that? I could say that another way...but it all means the same thing?
If I could offer only one bit of advise? Leave opinions and judgments out of it....and be specific. Saying...."Rude".....or...."unreliable"...........doesn't tell the other person anything? I say that to my wife all the time...and she can't seem to ever be specific about anything? And that leaves me with nothing to work with. Not specifically to the problem....what ever "IT" is? "IT" needs to be something that is "specific"...and not a judgment or I can't know, what she is really honestly talking about, that is causing her to react? Politeness is learned. If you never learned to be polite....then you will always be rude...wouldn't you?' If that's the only problem then....ADHD does not prevent anyone from learning manners. That is a fact not an opinion.
J