I am relieved to stumble upon this website today after spending the morning searching for strategies / tips for dealing with ADHD in our marriage. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD almost 10 years ago after his daughter was diagnosed and since then, I have read about symptoms, strategies, and tips for her that helped her get through school. After she graduated, I began reading more and more about adult ADHD and recognized so many of our marital issues over the years are due to issues associated with the diagnosis such as organization, communication, executive functioning, and addictive tendencies. As I browsed this page and the forum topics today, so many of you have expressed what I have kept buried deep down for all these years and many of you with ADHD describe feelings my husband has shared with me about what it's like to have ADHD.
The last 3 years have been the most challenging in our 21 year marriage.
I am exhausted - as I get older and my career continues to progress, I am tired of being his secretary and mother. I have verbalized this to him and have drawn boundaries with what I will and will not do for him (make appointments for him, call the cable provider, manage his paperwork, etc). He is not content with his diagnosis and views it as a failure / weakness / terrible disease so he won't read about it, learn strategies, or accept it. The more I draw healthy boundaries, the more he thinks I'm withdrawing from our marriage and subsequently him. He is content with 100% of my attention is on him at all times. I dream about life without him - a peaceful night at home with no anxiety / no angry outbursts / no mean words, financial freedom (he struggles with spending / charging to credit cards), an uncluttered home (his hoarding takes up 4 rooms in our home). I also grieve about life without him - he has a great sense of humor, he can be very loving when his anxiety & anger don't flare up, he can be my biggest cheerleader (or my greatest critic).
I am choosing to remain hopeful for growth in him, in me, and in our marriage and that better things are to come in 2021.