remembers things I didn't say

My partner was diagnosed almost a year ago and has been trying a variety of ADHD meds, trying to figure out the "right mix". Avoids reading the books we purchased to try to work through and resolve some of our ADHD relationship issues although he did agree to read them initially after diagnosis and felt that they would be helpful.....One of the issues we are having is that after a fight or disagreement , when we try to discuss it (after a half or whole day of cooling off) he has memories of things I never said, and repeats these things back to me in a tone that I would not use. Or he will say "you went on and on about it".. when in fact when I see this pattern emerging I usually clam up to avoid fueling the fire..plus I have become very selective of my words and aware of tones during altercations and am generally pretty calm during fights while he yells and says  nasty things. When I tell him that he misunderstood what I was saying, or that the way I said such a thing was mis heard, or that I didn't actually say all those things, he says I am lying, I am a hypocrite, that I am sugar coating my words, backtracking, denying it to make myself look perfect, that I have the memory problems, not him. So I am being judged and he is angry with me for things that I never said! Tells me I was being a "B...."  and has formed an opinion or perception of me based on false memories! HAs anyone else encounted this, and is it a typical ADHD symptom?

 

Yes, I believe that false

Yes, I believe that false memories can be somewhat of a side effect of the ADD/ADHD.  There are several posts on here about this but I can't recall from whom they came.  My husband has experienced these where he cannot recall a memory accurately so he will add false info to make the memory good in his eyes and other people's eyes but yet it be completely wrong.

Yes...and Yes...

I swear we have the same exact husbands. It's as though we must handle them with extreme care. I constantly have to choose my words, tones, facial expressions and body language very carefully. Something as simple as a question can send my husband into crazy rants. Most times I do not argue and try to walk away because like your husband he makes up stuff.

It's like he has the discussion going on in his head long after it's over and he comes up with the craziest things that I would have never said. Funny thing though...he also forgets a lot of what I do say.

If you would hear my husband's take on our marriage. I am the worst, evil b...lazy and horrible and everything in between. I really try to be objective and I realize that he is placing his insecurities on me. I am not saying that I haven't contributed to our issues...I have but I also contribute a lot of what is great about our marriage and he clearly doesn't.

I have the same issue

I do experience the same too. We argue on these issue as I was foolishly want to protect my "honestly" but he usually gets angry as it might look like I don't trust him. So instead of "winning the battle but losing the war" I learn to not really bother on small issue. Important issue - always use email (he is search and check) or post-it. I did suffer too - but thinking this is the support I can give him.

This happens to us a bit too

What seems to make the difference as to whether it can be easily worked out is if you are willing to give each other the benefit of the doubt as far as what was said and what was meant......ie my husband will make a statement that angers me because of the words he chooses, but if he honestly apologizes and says he used the word that first came to mind but not the one that actually fit the situation or his emotions, then I accept that as a result of ADD he might say it and not really mean it.   By the same token if he is upset by something that I tell him he is remembering wrong, he is willing to accept that I have no reason to lie to him about what I said and what he thinks is certainly not what I meant.

Since it sounds as if your husband is not willing to do that, I would honestly take to carrying around a voice activated recorded when I was at home, and after replaying to him a few times were he is incorrect, he should be forced to acknowledge his memory is failing him.  I can understand why this would be hard for a person to accept as your memory seems to clear.....I have felt SURE I remembered things a certain way only to have other ppl who were there assure me it was a little diff and that was hard for me to take.

 

I really think you are going to have to prove it to him.  Not because you want to show him how wrong he is, but because a marriage cannot flourish while he has such negative ideas about you and your actions and emotions.  And it is all the worse because it isn't true, but right now in his mind, it is absolutely true...and hurtful.

I have said to my DH many

I have said to my DH many times "what reason have I ever given you to think I would lie to you about something like this?" and most of the time he admits that I haven't. I think as long as there is a general understanding between both parties that these things happen, even in the best of marriages, and an agreement that perception and 'recollection' aren't always going to be exactly the same for any two people who interact, then that's a start.

I have never had him tell me that I said something that I didn't. Most of his misinterpretations are simply a look I might have on my face..or if I breathe too loudly he assumes I am sighing or aggrivated. I have tried, with some success, to simply say "look, I understand that what you're saying seems real to you, but I can assure you my perception/recollection is not the same as yours." You have to both admit there will be no meeting of the minds, regardless of who is 'at fault', and just agree to disagree. My DH has even, on occasion, gone so far as to seem to 'get it' that what he was certain I was saying/feeling/thinking was NOT, in fact, what I was actually saying/feeling/thinking.

I have a terrible memory, tend to repeat myself, and often forget things...when he forgets NOTHING. (and yes, he is the one with ADHD) Perceputal differences are going to happen.

***Original poster (sorry I don't remember your name) - do you think he falsely recalls things you said on purpose or do you think it is truly ADHD?
 

"he says you went on and on

"he says you went on and on about it"

1. I developed a tendency to do this after fighting so hard to just be HEARD for so long , not knowing about his ADHD. Precisely why making a point quickly and concisely and then moving on is vital to having your information heard and not lost in the "ok, you passed your 30 second mark...I will no longer listen to you in 15 seconds.." brain.

2. If I speak about any one topic for more than 45-60 seconds then, to him, that is 'going on and on'

3. I have been accused of "talking at" him instead of "to him" (misreading my 'frustration' tone for 'yelling' or 'chastizing') and can honestly say there usually isn't any 'right' way to talk to them when they simply don't want to hear what is being said. On a silver platter with rose petals and champagne won't even cut it. I have concluded it isn't how I am saying it, it is more about what I am saying. MANY times he has accused me of having a 'tone' that I truly don't feel I have. I think just that it was coming from my mouth it was automatically translated in his brain as 'bad tone'/yelling/belittling, etc.

 

How Long will this last's picture

remembers things I didn't say

Thank God I'm not alone.  This trait drives me insane.  How can you reasonably discuss a past fight when he can't remember what was said correctly and makes up things to fill the part he forgets.  I also get accused of having "the tone". I have tried to change my voice higher, lower, just different so he doesn't read me that way, but regardless I always seem to have the tone. I  feel so defeated all the time.  EVERYTHING is an argument with him.  EVERYTHING makes him go off the deep end.  I am at my wits end, we cannot communicate about the simplest of things without it turning into a total escalated conversation.  This week we will celebrate our 16th year of marriage, I am totally exhausted and just wish there was peace in the house on a continual basis. So glad I found this forum, it could be just in time. 

 

Tones of voice

I gotta admit, I almost laughed when I read your response. It reminds me of my first marriage... He would talk to me in a brutally mean and condescending voice yet he was always criticizing my tone of voice. When I'd call him on it, he'd say "Well, I'm just talking how I talk. But you believe in tones of voice, so I can criticize yours." Needless to say, I'm not married to HIM any more.

I don't think this is ADD and non. I am inclined to say this is a Mars/Venus thing.

But my ADD husband remembers things I didn't say too.

How Long will this last's picture

Tones of Voice

His excuse is he is from New Jersey and that's how they talk there.  I am from Florida and no one talks like that here.  I say maybe I learned it from him since that is how he insists on communicating.  (Just a jerk reaction).  Truth is there is no tone.  I work hard at trying to speak in a monotone voice, or even using my Cinderella voice as I call it- but it's still a tone.  Yes he truly is from Mars.

Ha! Ha!

Everyone from Florida I've ever known was from somewhere else. Most of them sound like they are from New York.

I am a Yankee too (Pittsburgh) and my husband, ruled mostly my inertia, has never left the southern state where he as born. Yet he doesn't have much problem with my "tone of voice." He picks my word choice apart instead.

Your Being from florida - and

Your Being from florida - and his from Jersey... Oil and water as far as "tone" is concerened.... When I lived there (FL) and all the snow birds came down, i KNEW who was from Jersey the second they opened their mouths. I now live close to Jersey and it's tough as hell up here. However, when I start talking like DH does or "they" do - I am considered harsh or mean! I learned it too, out of self preservation.... I just feel ugly now. I feel for ya.