I just had to write this down in a place where others might understand.
I still keep in touch with my ex's kids and/or their wives. They were pretty confused when we broke up and we had been close so we wanted to try to still be friends. Sadly, the repercussions of my ex's behavior are still affecting the people around him even though he and I are over.
The other night I had his oldest son, his wife and kids over for dinner and his son told me that he was trying to work through the anger he felt toward his father and the loss he feels now that I am no longer around. He is flabbergasted as to why his father would have bailed out on me after 5 years together and after how integrated I was into the family. He's sad because I was there for the birth of his first child, his wedding, holidays, and other life events.... and he's upset that I won't be there anymore. His wife feels the same. She had wanted me to attend their baby shower shortly after the breakup and of course I couldn't go. Instead I sent along a gift and we meet up every few months so that I can see them and the grandchildren.
Of course I told them that I loved them and that I would do my best to always be in their lives, as long as they wanted me to be. But damnit if this isn't all just so heartbreaking. And now my ex is seeing someone new and in just three short months he has already started introducing her to his family. I'm just sitting here shaking my head. It's been less than a year since he and I split up not one thing about his situation has changed. He is still not divorced from his estranged wife, his finances are still a disaster, he does not have steady employment or healthcare, and the house is still full of junk and falling apart. Additionally his daughter and her husband have lived at his house for the past three years with no intention of moving out anytime soon. Meanwhile, he continues to run around ignoring everything.
I am trying very hard to move on with my own life and not concern myself with what he is doing but I cannot help but worry for his kids. I grew to love them over the time when we were together and I know they're adults but the desire to protect them from potential pain is really difficult to deal with. I can't help but worry about what happens if they get close to this new person and then that falls apart too once the curtain is pulled back on his mess... Or what if they close themselves off to protect themselves from the possibility of losing someone important again, which is equally sad in it's own way. Their mom and dad's marriage fell apart, and then our relationship... and now it's like I can see the train coming down the tracks again.
Sigh. Thank you for listening.
The repercussions.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on 10/14/2017.
CaliGirl, the ones who aren't serious
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hi, I know the heartbreak you are going through. (You didnt say whther your ex has adhd, but I'm assuming he does) My DH had a long term affair, and was constantly looking for "something new", and not just in relationships. Always on the quest for something new and shiny and fun. _But the hurt that people like this can cause is devastating. I dont understand why they choose to stay in a denial state, refusing to face any hurt they've caused. Its mind boggling, but yes, its easier to cut and run, blame everyone else, and get a new "shiny thing". There seem to be SO many folks with adhd that do this, moreso than the NT's.
I know they've learned "coping strategies for themselves while growing up, but most of those arent compatible with someone else in the picture. No one wants to be labeled problematic, but their condition symptoms DO create problems. When adhd is diagnosed, I do believe that more needs to be explained to the person who is diagnosed. Because, it seems that too many get diagnosed, get some pills and thats it, when that is NOT going to be much help. I know its better "therapeudically" to let the person come to their OWN realization of what needs to be changed within them, but this doesnt usually happen with adhders until they've already hurt several people,andtheir lives are falling apart. (Sounds like an addiction doesnt it.....hmmm) But, it usually takes an NT to encourage them (or give them an ultimatum )about getting therapy before they actually DO.
I'm so sorry you have been run over by this man's train of denial, but he will just run over the next one in line, and so on. Until we get off the tracks we will continue to get run over if they stay in the denial train. It IS sad to see the devastation this can cause. I feel sorry for children of these folks who cant see how much their own kids want and need their love and stability.
I 'm glad you have a good relationship with his kids. They have to be dissapointed in their father, going from one woman to the next. Sad. He cant possibly care what this is doing to them. Anyway, just wanted to say Hi. And hope and pray your days get easier.
Dede
Thank you
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
Hi Dede, Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I believe my ex has undiagnosed ADHD. The longer story is in my posting history but to summarize - I spent our entire relationship thinking WHAT is going on with this guy? Why is he always late and interrupting me... why does he seem to not pay attention after asking me a question...why does he contradict himself ... what is with this flippant attitude, these circular arguments and explosions of anger? Why is his house falling apart and so full of stuff? Why is he unable to even START his divorce proceedings. And then later, after I learned what else was going on.... - Why is he spending thousands of dollars on motorcycles, bicycles, clothing and gadgets when he hasn't done his taxes for 5 years and has no retirement put away? I asked, begged, cried, reasoned, explained, and yelled about it all but it made no difference. I took us to therapy and he got angry and stormed out. He kept insisting that he was "working on it", telling me it was no big deal or blaming me and everyone else around him for the state of his world. I finally gave him an ultimatum and instead, he ended our relationship.
After we split, it kept eating away at me that something else was going on with him and it wasn't until I got some distance that I came to the conclusion it might be ADHD. All the symptoms and maladaptive coping mechanisms are there, clear as day, I just didn't know what I was looking at before. Based on what I know now, I would bet a thousand dollars that his wife took care of the kids, most if not all of the household duties, dealt with his extramarital affairs (there were two) and whatever else, until their youngest child was a legal adult and that's when she gave up and left. For the most part, all my ex had to do during their marriage was go to work... and now that he's on his own and responsible for everything else and then some... the wheels are falling off.
So, now I come to these forums in order to process what all happened and what I still see happening from afar. If I bring up ADHD to anyone who doesn't have experience with it they don't know what I'm talking about. I really appreciate everyone's insight and validation here. For a long time I was so confused.
I think my ex knows something is "wrong" deep down inside, because he would have brief moments of clarity and it seemed so genuine. Many times he cried, held my face in his hands and swore that he loved me and wanted to build a life for us. Other times he would get frustrated and declare "I really need to work on XYZ"... but he just never made progress. In between it all was a whirlwind of doing whatever he felt like at the moment and getting angry with anyone who tried to tell him otherwise.
He even used to tell me that he couldn't remember things very well and that he was scared because his mother had dementia, that planning was hard for him and required a lot of dedicated focus and that he had to wait for the right mood to strike him in order to do things... but I didn't know what any of that meant at the time. If I remove my own pain from the situation and try to have compassion for him, it's the saddest thing in the world. He is creative and funny and generous and can be incredibly sweet....but he also said horrible, insulting things to me and broke my heart. I told his son that I think ADHD is the culprit. Maybe he will have that conversation with his father some day and maybe then something will change.
If this all really is ADHD then you are right in that it will happen again. There's no way around it. And it would explain why he's just chasing the high of a new relationship without any thought to the fact that everything around him is unstable and unresolved. This woman that he's seeing now lives and works over an hour away from him so I'm sure she hasn't seen the condition of his house and there's no way she would know about the money or anything else yet. When she finally does... hoooo boy.
In the meantime I told the kids that my door is always open. Best I can do.
As always, thank you for listening.