We have a raward system in place for my son who is nearly finsished 2nd grade. The higher his grades are the more money he will get to spend for the summer. My plan was to have him put some of it away in his first bank account and to let him spend the rest more or less as he pleased.
However I am having a couple of concerns. First of all I know that DS is going to be gettting mostly Cs and Bs with his final report card as I am in contact with the school and his teachers on a a regular basis. However DS is acting as if he is going to get rather a lot more money than he will be. I keep trying to explain to him that if he get sthe grade we are expecting him to that he will not be getting enough to buy a brand new bike and video games etc etc. The idea is for him to start learning about money not learning about spending. I just know he is going to be upset and dissapointed when he realises that he won't be getting as much as he thinks he should, even though this has been explained to him, and will have a fit or two *sigh* The joys of raising an ADD kid with no concept of the future or reality.
The other problem is my hubby. I'm having a hard time keeping him on board with the plan. He talks with DS as if he will be able to afford all these things and I've caught him telling DS that he will pay any extra costs for these things if his behaviour is good etc. I think he tries to make up for his crappy childhood by spoiling our kids and he gets caught up in the thrill.
I am going to have to have a sit down with hubby and then DS about this and soon! School is nearly out and the report cards will be out even sooner.
Well I have never raised an ADD child
Submitted by Aspen on
or any other child for that matter :), but I do know the key is consistency. I have a sister that is quite a bit younger and I can remember trying to talk my mom into *bending* the rules for her because she was so cute, and I would get sat down for explanations about how that is actually a disservice to a child. That spoiling her teaches her nothing except that she'll always get her way & that is an unfair & wrong message to message to send a child.
I could see how that worked out in reality. I think first step is going to have you get your husband back on board with the plan. Is it possible that he doesn't fully understand what you are trying to accomplish? Cause offering to pay the difference for what your son wants to buy is in direct opposition to teaching him about money. The way money works is not that you work hard and earn as much as you can, and then someone else pays for the rest :( Wouldn't that be awesome if it did work that way! :) So hubby needs to get reined back in #1.
#2--I'm afraid that your son is going to have to learn a hard lesson. His disconnect could come because he is expecting better grades than he is going to get. My ADD husband always thinks *best case scenario* rather than true reality, so you may have to sit down and show him that he earned those Cs. His disconnect could also come because he is seeing a lump of money in his future, and my ADD husband (in his 30s) sometimes thinks X dollars and then starts dreaming of all the things he can buy with X dollars. Yes he can buy a, b, c, OR d; but sometimes he is talking like he can buy A, B, C, AND D.
He actually did this in the past. Tax refund would come of a couple hundred dollars and he would be verbally spending it 4 or 5 different ways. We talked about how once you buy one of those things the money is gone....you can't get them all. I can even remember sitting down with him with the amount he has to spend at the top and the costs of each of the things he wants below.......so he could visually see the reality. He already *knew* the reality somewhere, but he hadn't accepted it. One thing it has helped him do is to shop around and try to stretch his money...he almost never impulsively buys ANYTHING because he wants the most possible amount of money left over! I WISH his parents had been responsible in the way that you are being in discovering his ADD and in teaching him about money too. Too many parents think this kind of thing is going to come by osmosis.
In the Meyers-Briggs personality test there is a question that goes to the heart of some personality types's feelings about money. It says "Do you feel better about a. Having Purchased or b. Having the option to buy." I have always remembered it because people have such a HUGE reaction to this question. Most ppl feel strongly about the one they prefer....my husband is an *option to buy* guy, so I let him dream big about each of his options, but I do gently remind him that his choice is ONE of the above. Your little guy may be developing that same type of personality.
Best wishes to you. I can't imagine much harder than seeing a disappointed child, but keep talking up the positive of what he CAN get and be sure to stick to the deal you made with him would be my suggestion.
I sat down with hubby today
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
I sat down with hubby today and talked about this. He admits that he kind of lives vicariously through our kids sometimes and gets a little over excited when the little guy is excited. Hubby grew up very poor and he tries to make up for it by wanting the kids to have everything. Until I put my foot down anyway! It’s hard for him to say no when it’s something like buying a toy. When it something like riding a bike without a helmet he can say no.
Some of it is he was treated very abusively by his father growing up. Usually for his ADD traits, like day dreaming. He doesn’t want to punish DS for having ADD. We talked about how rewarding good grades isn’t punishing his ADD even if he gets less good grades because of his ADD. I pointed out that hubby has a PhD, ADD kids can get good grades and they don’t have to be bullied into it like his father did to him.
We are going to do the math with DS again tomorrow to help him understand and plan for how much money he is going to get. We are also going to start an allowance so he can work towards all the things he wants to buy.
It’s tricky. I want my DS to grow up to be functional and capable. I want to teach him about money and all of that. But I also have to take into account the 30% rule, that ADDers (especially the kids) are 30% behind developmentally than their peers. So DS who just turned 7 is more like a 5 year old in a lot of ways. Baby steps baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Like most ADD kids he doesn’t handle disappointment and change and not getting what he wants very well but he is a good kid and he doesn’t have the major meltdowns (screaming, throwing himself around, hitting etc) like a lot of ADD kids do. Thank the Lord he isn't a screamer! I think it helps that we can get inside his head being ADD ourselves.
Hubby came up with the idea of using monopoly money to explain his report card money, allowance and bank account to him tomorrow. I think this will help him to wrap his head around it.
Those sound like AWESOME solutions!
Submitted by Aspen on
You and your husband clearly have a very good way of communicating with eachother so that you both understand where the other is coming from. I also understand what you mean about your husband not wanting to treat his children in the way that he was treated. That is commendable!!
I have a good friend in this situation in her family. Her husband was terribly treated...when his father died some of the kids were sent to an orphanage (even though there was an uncle begging to keep them together and raise them) while his mother kept other kids. They have 4 boys and are loving parents, but he just can't see his way to strict disipline....like asking adult children (30 years old) to move out since they repeatedly break the rules of the household. He says he can never kick a child out because of what he went through (Understandable) but he has lazy lumps of children because they know that he will always support them :(
I think the monopoly money idea is very good. I think it helps to *see* it and have that visual reinforcement.
And I hear you on the joys of NOT raising a screamer......my husband's sister has a little girl (9) and a little boy (3) who both have AD/HD and their screaming and meltdowns are simply horrific to behold. Some of that is obviously AD/HD related, but clearly some of it is parenting. So good job for you and your husband!!
I'm curious about this 30% rule. Is that supposed to be true across the board with ADD? Is there a point where they catch up? Just like it takes them a bit longer to mature into adulthood? Cause based on the stories I've heard, I would definitely say my husband matured more slowly. We didn't meet until he was about 25 and he was just emerging from his work all day/play all night phase...I thought that was more of a teenage thing. But we married when he was 30, and I'd say he's taken to the responsibilities of being a husband better than most. Like maybe he finally got most of the silliness out of his system?
The human brain doesn't stop
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
The human brain doesn't stop growing and developing until your mid-twenties. So ADDers can't even begin to catch up until they hit their late twenties, early thirties. I wish I knew all this when I had my first child at 23 and hubby was 25!
Dr. Barkley did a long study looking at how ADDers develop emotionally, socially and maturity wise. It’s not an intellect thing; you are just as bright as any kid your age. But he found that ADDers are on average 30% or 1/3 behind their peers in the realms of maturity, social skills and emotional development. That’s the average so some ADDers are a little more behind and some not so much.
Hmm... I wonder if that explains...
Submitted by Sueann on
why my husband was still living with his mother when he was 43? Early in the dating process, I asked him if he'd ever lived on his own and he said yes. Otherwise, I'd have dropped him like a hot rock. Eventually, I found out that "living on his own" meant that his mom had a job out of town and an apartment where she worked, and came home on the weekends. He didn't pay rent (the house was paid off, no mortgage), just kept it clean (hah!) and paid the smaller bills like the electricity. Gosh, where can I get that deal?
I was still living at home
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
I was still living at home when I met my hubby, but I was only 21 and going to college. Hubby moved out at 18 but he had a bad home life. I know a lot of ADDers who live at home as adult though. We are selling this house and buying a one with more yard and a carriage house because my mom is going to move into the carriage house. She has been having a hard time on her own and we are happy to have the help with kid number 3 on the way!
21 makes sense
Submitted by Sueann on
I went to college (in the same city as my home) and lived in a dorm. My parents then moved into a smaller house so I could not come home, and I got married when I was 20. Twenty-year olds shouldn't decide what to eat for breakfast, never mind who to spend the rest of their life with.
I still think 43 is excessive. If I'd known he'd never lived away from his parents, I'd have run like the wind. He didn't mean to pull the wool over my eyes, I don't think, he just didn't understand what it means to be responsible for oneself. He never has found out. Sigh...
why do many adders live at home
Submitted by brendab on
Maybe your hubby is just old fashioned
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Hmmm actually most ADDers I know prefer to live alone. You can have your mess, keep your own hours, aren't nagged, eat when you want to.
Living alone is not the usual or proper way of being. Until only in the last couple of decade everyone lived at home until they got married and then when you aged you moved in with your grown children. If you were widowed or divorced you got a roommate, or moved in with friends or family until you married again. In the year 2005 50% of households (in the USA) were one person, 50 years before that only 10% of people lived alone.
The idea that there's something wrong with living your parents, your grown children, a roommate, a spouse is very new. And in fact it does us little good. First of all consider the economy (shared rent is better isn't it?), also consider that people are more lonely than they were when only 10% of the population lived alone.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/may/29/loneliness-report
Maybe your hubby is just old fashioned.
added detail
Submitted by brendab on
Needing to live with other
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
Needing to live with other people is not in the diagnostic criteria and is not a trait common enough to ADDers to say they do this more than others, so I honestly don't know if this is ADD related or just a personality quirk. Likely it is a combination of upbringing, ADD and personality. It could be he has developed some co-dependence or a poor coping strategy for life and ADD by relying on others.
Some people hate to be alone (ADD or not). Some ADDers hate to be alone as they hate or fear the sound of their own minds (all that chattering) and having other people around distracts them from the mind chatter, while others report they hate living with others because they’d rather be lost in their own heads. The difference there might be how strong the hyperactivity is and how good or bad their inner dialogue is. Example: I perfer to live with others and like the hubub of a busy household, yet my hubby is more introverted and likes his alone time.
It wouldn't shock me if a good sized portion of ADDers learn to "cope" by simply relying on others to support them. Though many of us do not do so, plenty of ADDers support themselves and even support others (to varying degrees of success). Some ADDer manage to support themselves through university or make great single parents for example.
Whether an ADDer leans on others to care for them, and how much so, will depend on: The severity of the ADD, if/when it was diagnosed, whether they are receiving treatment, upbringing, cultural pressures (women with ADD are not as likely to “get away with” their ADD traits as much as the men as women are expected to be more organized and women put up with more crap from their husbands and sons than men put up with from wives and daughters), their social circle, any existing comorbids, and personality.
Spot on again, Miss Behaven...
Submitted by sapphyre on
My hubby is one of the people that relies on others to support him.
He was an only child, adopted when his mum was 42. She quit work to stay home and look after him, and of course, adapted to him.
He did move out of home, thank god, but if anything went wrong, he was always able to go home again. He could still do that, but he has moved to Australia and his parents are on the other side of the world... it has caused him much distress on occasions when he wanted to run home, but it's not easy anymore.
We are learning our way through the maze of how to deal with ADHD and comorbid anxiety/depression as we go. I have not left him alone over night since July 2003 when I found out I was pregnant... I'm going away on a mental health carers retreat in a few months, and I'm planning to help him cope with me being away two nights by getting two different friends to come spend the evening with him. (Well, I hope they will come!) Wish me luck :)
Likely it is a combination of
Submitted by brendab on
Likely it is a combination of upbringing, ADD and personality. It could be he has developed some co-dependence or a poor coping strategy for life and ADD by relying on others.
It wouldn't shock me if a good sized portion of ADDers learn to "cope" by simply relying on others to support them.
Miss Behaven,
I had not seen freeloading addressed here before, and I didn't really know how to view his situation. He has created hard feelings among his friends for visiting too long and not sharing any resources for the stay. They view him as selfish even though they allow him to return for a few hours at a time not days/weeks.
I do see the upbringing issue--his mother thought it was a delightful idea for her son to have found a kind older couple to live with. She genuinely thought it was a great idea. He is a very mellow, pleasant extrovert and right now he is very depressed and anxious because he has little contact with anyone except his mother.
I think you are right he is coping and needs to be with others to silence some of his inner negative chatter. Last night we had a long conversation about how he was trapped in a cycle of loneliness and too much time to rehash all his negative past which leads to blame and shame. He has had several months of severe anxiety and depression and can't seem to pull himself out of it.
He said he would earnestly seek to be aware when he found himself in a negative thinking pattern and he would substitute positive thoughts. Sapphyre, thanks for posting that your husband was like this too. I certainly don't understand it, but it really helps to know that adders aren't acting from a place of bad character but genuinely are struggling with hidden issues.
Brenda