Requests - the sweet spot between 'ignored' and 'explosion'

Non-ADD spouse here.  I'm out of ideas on how to communicate.  I'm rather frustrated at the moment.  I'm stuck without a way to effectively express any needs or complaints.  My attempts fail in two ways.

My polite, earnest, repeated, gentle, feeble, whatever, attempts don't get any results.  I then have to decide if it is important enough to escalate.  I have to give up minor requests or bottle up minor complaints - which would be tolerable if they weren't so many or they didn't remain indefinitely.  That gets old.

The ones I choose to escalate always end up in an explosion.  There is no middle, no understanding, no discussion.  I feel that she punishes me.  She fights unfairly, acts childish, lashes out hatefully, and holds grudges.  Her behavior ensures that I thoroughly regret it.  That gets really old.  I don't like having to set off a bomb in order to get anywhere with anything - and any benefit gained be temporary.

While I love her, I don't particularly like her anymore.  The love is fading too as my relationship with her degrades into "moody inconsiderate roommate".  She is losing me.  I cry as I watch my two boys play in the room here because more rides on this than just my personal happiness and I care less for her happiness every day.

She believes that things are fine between us at the moment.  This is not some ruse on my part.  She is oblivious and things have returned to the usual.  Things work as long as I don't express anything that can't be ignored.  I'm afraid that I could lose hope, escalate everything at once, and blow it up so bad that we would be finished.


Does anybody have any ideas on how to get through without breaking through?