Trying to put this succinctly because I am new to being hopeful about the marriage......but this time....this is ....different.
Turning my focus to the "why" my H wouldn't accept the adhd diagnosis was something I chose . It did not make sense that he "kind of" could see it and then not. Sometimes we have to let things that don't make sense go and sometimes we dig and dig until China comes into view....and we are depleted, exhausted, confused, exasperated, frustrated......I think I held on because.....I questioned that I loved my H. HE questioned that. He DID that a lot throughout the marriage. And every time I would be STUNNED. He would state (kind of flatly demand) that he wanted my love and respect.This would often happen after a minor disagreement or fight. I found myself completely astonished that he didn't "see, feel, KNOW) I loved him. WHAT MORE could I do or not do? What was it going to take for him to feel loved?
FAST Forward....43 years. That nagging feeling I had that Adhd was not the ONLY issue here. That something else was preventing him from seeing this...great......ONE more thing he wasn't "seeing"? WHAT wasn't I seeing? GIVE ME SOMETHING HERE LORD !!!!.....a hint, a clue.....
and ...my daughter called. She had a thought(about our situation).....and that idea opened the door, just a crack for me to see something ......that had been right in front of me....ALL THESE YEARS......why did my H not "feel" I loved him?........because he COULD NOT receive it! He could not receive affection, warmth and all that goes with love. He couldn't equate......because he was raised with no affection, positive interaction and praise, validation. It was an emotionless upbringing except for anger, disappointment and indifference. THAT'S why he would say "I love you" rarely, not face to face(he would look down) and with no emotion. BUT...I KNEW he did....so I accepted HIS way even though something was "off".
Look up) Childhood Emotional Neglect ( NOT abuse). Because I am aware of H's background ......it ALL came together.
To say it reduced me to tears is an understatement. To say it took everything I had to go to my H and talk....also understatement. I now KNEW, THAT I KNEW, what was behind his behavior that was awkward, off, ambivalent... even callous at times.
I laid out to him, very carefully and briefly what I was seeing. I printed off a short excellent synapses of it and told him.....please do not respond now. Please give it thought. Take your time. Let me know what you think about this.
He called me 2 days later to talk......we talked for 4 hours straight....(how is that possible with Adhd?) He seemed......relieved and was near tears more times than I EVER saw in our marriage. He said......"all these years I have wanted intimacy with you and I blamed you. I see now......you WERE being intimate...and I didn't KNOW it....it was strange....it's all so strange...but I see myself exactly as they have described.
The emotional lability issue with adhd is a biggie. It makes, to me, the other aspects of adhd insignificant and doable in the big picture of life. But EMOTION is SO HUGE with us humans..........history provides what happens to DENIED, STUFFED EMOTIONS. WE have all dealt with this ourselves. Expecting my H to "deal" with the emotional aspect of the adhd was going to be fruitless, confusing and disheartening for him and me......because there was a separate emotion issue underlying all along.
This is just MY adhd journey,,,so far. It led to other roads to travel as part of the sojourn. I have "met" fantastic people with wit, humor, comfort, pain, eloquence and EXASPERATION.......all because of....love.
I dare.....to have hope again.......because this time........something is very very different.
P.S. This is NOT a BLAME the parents issue. They cannot give what they do not have.....on the flip side .....I did ask my spouse if I could have a "heathen" moment and state....I KNEW IT! ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR PARENTS ALL ALONG!!!!!....and do you know....he smiled and said.......just once.....with everything you've got.