Here is a new perspective. I have been trying so hard to "make things OK" that I have lost my self. Believing that to get along meant that I must compromise and not fight and not nag and try to soothe H's (and other people's) anger/discomfort and to help his overwhelm.
Well, that has not worked. AND I lost my self, my joy, my strength, my identity. I read this today and it points me in another, happier, more robust future:
"It's impossible to be in a highly inter-dependent relationship without ever being judgmental or being judged. If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your relationship and get it, you will pay the price by becoming dull. If neither of you ever rocks the boat, you will end up with a dull relationship." The Couples Institute
That is what happened to me. It's time for me to rock the boat and try to see if I still have the ability to know myself and feel my own feelings instead of trying to understand and help and change my self for H. And not make it my business to care so much for other people's thoughts and feelings. I don't know how to fight with my own passion and still keep a relationship going. I feel like an over disciplined dog...one that looks out with sad, pathetic eyes and no longer able to bring joy into the room with exuberance and entitlement. I don't know how to get that back. I once definitely had that ability but I lost it. I am going to try to get back into being OK with the difficult conversations and holding my own without second guessing myself and letting myself be heard and taking the chances of disapproval, rejection and being wrong.